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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Christmas and 2012 Music - Belated Day 16/4 Advent Rant


Jooseman: Jesus Christ this is late. Blame the Rofling Officer.

Rofling Officer: It’s the most wonderful time of the year according to Andy Williams. Unfortunately this timeless message comes in the form of an incredibly monotonous Christmas song. SPEAKING OF WHICH, welcome to Jooseman and I’s rundown of some of the worst Christmas songs we could think of, which will be another part of our Advent Calendar.

Jooseman: So here we are, reviewing music. I'm possibly the most hypocritical bastard since PETA tried to make my skin into a coat. After I did the huge rant last week about how I hate pretty much all music critics for being pretentious fucks, and now I am doing this myself, thus showing once and for all I am the greatest person in the universe. Then again, Christmas Music can't really be considered music anyway, more a guy hammering strawberry jelly into your brain over and over again. Now on to the first song.

Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard

Joose: Ah Cliff Richard, that man who at a mention, will instantly cause all women above the age of 60 to drop their pants and start to masturbate furiously . Every Christmas he turns up like an annoying wart on a very warty person, to sing in a voice which sounds as if he has some guy shoving bags of gravel down his throat, and this song is no different.  The song has the monotone styling's of harmonizing Daleks, as he sings about wine and mistletoe. He may as well be singing about mistletoe and incinerating Father Christmas in a furnace for how related those two things are, it would make a better song anyway. I would make jokes about the video itself, but him gliding around possibly the most prickish imaginary village possible is extremely boring to talk about. Then again, he is still releasing shirtless calendars at seemingly the age of 296 years old, so he must be doing something right.

RO: Even just thinking about writing these words makes me ill: Cliff Fucking Richard. Oh Christ(mas)… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t tell you how much I despise this man, he’s hideous and always was, no matter what he thinks (by now his ego is so enormous that he has to book an entire train cart to rest it in), and he’s an appalling and smarmy singer. Hence, one of the worst Christmas songs of all time: Mistletoe and Wine… Watching this cunt sing the song is like ripping out each pube one by one with solidified semen, but it rubs off onto your hands with the pubes and you find out it wasn’t semen all along, but super glue (I don’t know where I’m going with this, I hate this song so much). It’s also repetitive to the point of brain trauma, and excruciating to the point where I have castrated myself through cringing. Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine/ makes me want to commit some crimes/ put Cliff on the fire/ And watch him scream/ A time to rejoice when your PC blue-screens.

8 Days of Christmas - Destiny's Child

Joose: Now for the biggest ear exploding travesty since I shoved a Tnt fed marmoset into them. The song has the musical styling's of a dead parrot in a wind machine. How can anybody listen to this song without very slowly going insane and systematically commit genocide on anybody who even dares pick up a microphone to sing. But that's just me thinking about what I would do if I ruled the world. I wish I did. The video itself is a load of consumer obssessed, scantily clad women, walking around a shop, buying shit and seemingly giving blowjobs to cashiers on the side. It's basically the worlds shittest description of Capitalism ever, like if Karl Marx happened to have a prostitute habit while writing the Communist Manifesto. But that's an alternate History scenario for you.

RO: Destiny’s Child… what have you done? Imagine crossing the Human Centipede with Pretty Woman, and you get the feeling I get when I listen to this… This truly is the worst butchering of a classic I’ve ever seen, it’d be like making Bugs Bunny in!... Schindler’s List or have an appalling girl band make a traditional song all about being a superficial whore. The singing/rapping/squalling doesn’t match the music at all, it just makes me imagine the guys recording the music were hired from the top of the nearest building and mixed the track with suicidal thoughts going through their head. Truly, the only thing that slightly redeems this song is Destiny’s Child singing and dancing in incredibly tight fitting Santa outfits anytime they sing it. An awful Christmas song, but ironically is truly reflective of what human beings are like, so kudos Destiny’s Child, you’re geniuses. On the 8th Day of Christmas my Baby Gave to Me/ a chloroform soaked rag so I can’t fucking sing/On the 7th Day of Christmas My baby Gave to Me/a knife to my brain and a hrblegrblesrbling… (collapses dead).

Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney

Joose: Ah, Wonderful Christmastime, a song which has so many synthesisers popping out of it like your intestines after you catch the Ebola virus, but also a song by one of the greatest musical geniuses of all time, Paul McCartney, yet it still ended up shitter than a cats litter tray after you force fed it laxatives you horrible fuck. The song has the lyrical capabilities of a lobotomised dog, as Paul McCartney sings while sounding half constipated. The video itself is almost not even worse discussing, as it switches between him singing in a smoke filled room, which after the song you wish was Carbon Monoxide, and to some depressed looking families. This is what the musical genius behind songs like Let it Be and Hey Jude did. I think I'll cry.

RO: Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas time is one of those songs I feel so bad for. It’s like if you googled an ex-girlfriend to try and hook up with again now Satan is in danger of tripping over your standards to find out they’d been committed after attempting to eat a live rodent: it could have been something special, but it just tastes of the plague. Paul McCartney is a living British icon, and one of the greatest musicians of our time, but this song is shit. It barely even SOUNDS like Paul McCartney; just sounds like a speech synthesiser set to cliché mode which some guy making beats off of that. Granted, it’s good for dancing to at Christmas parties, but every other aspect of the song makes it sound quite reprehensively appalling. I’m afraid to actually attack this song or the artist as I have so much respect for him, so let’s just leave it at this song is disappointing drab and plain bad… I can’t do the song lyrics thing for this one, it’s too depressing…

Last Christmas - Wham

Joose: Last Christmas, now coming to any shopping centre music player near you, with nonsensical lyrics, apparently about a butcher giving away any leftovers to people for Christmas before having his heart broken by you. YOU BASTARD. The song is played so much at Christmas, you feel like the song would induce an aneurysm in a deaf person. The song represents what Christmas means, if, for Christmas, you happened to want to kill any last vestiges of humanity in the world. I sure do, so why don't you? Also we may be doing something special with this song.

RO: Wham are one of those really old boy bands that just seem creepy now that all the members have grown into grizzled middle aged men, same with people like David Bowie and the Lockerbie bomber (holy shit). Then again even at the time their music was shit, and I was born in 1996 for fuck’s sake. This is a prime example of using Christmas just to choke out another love song that will rake in the pennies. To quote the great philosopher Adam Levine, “if I hear one more fuckin’ love song I’ll be sick” Now I’m at a payphone… writing this down for you all to read you lucky bastards, and it just occurred to me that I don’t hate this song as much as I think I do, because this Friday I’ll be singing it for you ,you lucky shits! Check the channel for that. Anyway: the song is drearily boring and predictable, and it’s nothing you haven’t heard a billion times before in other better and worse songs. It’s a popcorn song; nothing brand new and exciting, just something you stick on at tedious get togethers to delay the inevitable realisation that we’re all going to die (possibly on the 21st of December [note to morons, this won’t happen]). Good for white noise, but little else. Last Christmas, I ripped out my heart/Then the very next day/I gave it to you/This year, to save me from jail/I’ll keep to my restraining order, order…

Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

Joose: Finally a good Christmas song, and one of the few which can keep me sane around Christmas time. I don't know why, it just seems to sum up mine, and the rest of Britain's (yes it's a British song, not an Irish song, I can rant with you about it if you want, but that's not funny, you humourless arsehole. Please go jump into a pit of burning Komodo Dragons) spirit around Christmas time. It just warms my heart... as much as you can warm the darkness of space, to hear me represented in a song. Because it is about me, and anybody who disagrees is a dirty, stinking liar. Also Shane MacGowan looks like a rat who has had his face imploded into itself, while under attack by a shovel, but t'songs still good.

RO:  At the beginning of the end, here is my favourite Christmas song: A Fairytale of New York, a bitterly cynical and refreshing story in the guise of a Christmas song. Listen to the chorus and you might be forgiven for mistaking it to be a happy feelgood song, but in reality it’s about a break up, Taylor Swift style (not really). The tune is great, and Kirsty McColl is a good singer. Shame about the Pogues singer sounding like they pulled in a random drunken homeless man in mid shitting stance to record his lines, but overall it’s a fantastic song and is the recipe for a wonderful Christmas time. There really isn’t much I can say to entertain myself, never mind you, so check that song out, it's really really good! Enjoy.

Joose: And now time for song of the year. Which song will it be, oooh ahhhh, you already fucking know as you'll have read below, so here it is.

Call me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen

Joose: If there was one song which deserves to be archived by congress and stored in the Smithsonian for later generations, it is this song. It is really the greatest use of human creativeness since the paining of the Sistine Chapel. Is it bad that I'm only being slightly ironic here, I liked this song so ironically that it has come round to being fucking amazing, and I actually love it now. I'm confused. It's much better than most Modern Pop.
I don't know what the best song would be if you want a non Modern Pop song, . I still stand by Call me Maybe being song of the year, if not the fucking decade though. And if anybody disagrees, please go lubricate your head and shove it up a dogs shitter.

RO: Here's our favourite song of the year. And it is… Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen! When Jooseman suggested this, I thought he was speaking ironically, as it seems like the kind of song he despises, full of feelings of love and warmth and a woman getting soap all over her (no complaints from him about the topless man however), but no, he was serious. And so am I, this song is ludicrously catchy, like a baseball glove crossed with a catch on a door (Most Trippy Analogy 2012?), and it has one of the best endings to a song I’ve ever seen (I’m talking about where the guy turns out to be gay and she has the best facial expression I’ve ever seen). Relentlessly addictive, hilarious, and actually a pretty excellent spoof, probably the year’s best (unless I remember another song from this year that was really good, I can’t think of too many at the moment) Listen to this on the strike on Midnight on the 31st of December, and magically, a new year will begin. Merry Christmas! Hey, I just met you/And this is crazy/But we used no condom/So here’s your baby.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Crusader Kings 2 - Advent Rant Day 8

Jooseman: Hello and welcome to the first of the Beyond Stupid Christmas Rants, which we will be doing every Saturday up to Christmas Eve, as well as the big rant itself in Christmas Eve. The Christmas Eve rant isn't necessarily our Game of the Year, and if you believe it is, you have the brains of a dead Chimpanzee whose head has been replaced by a Jam Sandwich. We will, however, have our top 15 games of the year rant on New Year's Eve, so cling onto your pants until then (Please do, I don't want any lawsuits about you losing them on the bus.) So, for the first rant CRUSADER KINGS 2!

Crusader Kings 2 was one of my favourite games of this year. It was made by Paradox and is a Grand Strategy game, in the vein of Europa Universalise and Hearts of Iron, made by the same company. It is also one of the first Grand Strategy games I have ever actually played enough of to learn and enjoy. Compared to some of the other games like this, which have you thrown off the cliff by Popeye on steroids, this one has a gentle (and this is a relative term, like how having you head kicked in by a chav is probably more gentle than a Great White Shark) learning curve. Hell I didn't use the tutorial at all, but managed to pick up the game within a few hours, but I'm just an egotistical bastard.

The premise of the game is that you take control of a dynasty across medieval Europe (starting in 1066 before the Battle of Stamford Bridge and the possibility to exist until 1453, with the end of the medieval period as the Byzantine Empire falls) this is in comparison to Europa Universalise, in which you take control of a country instead of a character. You must then plot, backstab, marry, war and probably play monopoly in order to take territories in Europe and become the most powerful Dynasty, as others fall around you, like if the world was controlled by dominoes.  The problem is, it is exceptionally hard work to keep your dynasty running when people plot to do the same to you, the bastards (bastards also included),  and one weak heir could spell doom to you, which brings me to my first hint, don't have your heir as a Celibate Snowman, because then you're screwed.

Rofling Officer: Ah, Crusader Kings 2! You marvellous bastard... the biggest time leech I've played since we genetically crossed a vampire and a tick that feast on the space time continuum. Hands down the best strategy game of the year, and one of the best I've played for a while. It's tough to pin down why I like it so much, as when I first played it I was a little baffled as of what to do. But now, six months on my empire stretches across Europe and the Middle East, through marrying off ugly daughters and sending ugly sons off to die. And god forbid I have an ugly wife who refuses to put out, or makes more ugly children. Did I mention I hate ugly people in this game?

Joose: Characters have different traits which determine how they cope in the world, for example a character who is a kinslayer may be hated by almost everyone the entire world over, or a dwarf may lack stats in pretty much everything, or a fat person may have the possibility to crush anyone in his way (this is not in game.) This makes the game interesting as it mixes up how you play, for example your first leader may have extremely good intrigue, essentially making him a less bad ass James Bond and in the process be able to stop plots against him by learning about them beforehand, however his son may lack in almost everything, and you have to throw money at almost everyone in order to make them like him, like he's at a strip club. This keeps you always at attention, thinking of new schemes in order to succeed.

RO: Moving on from people with severe aesthetic deficiencies, why else do I like the game? Well it's probably the deepest feudalism game ever made, and that's what first attracted me to it: it's a Game of Thrones game essentially (which is convenient as a GoT mod has been made for it, watch out for that later). There are a few niggling annoyances here and there, like how you can only declare war with a valid cassus beli, instead of just attacking by right of conquest. Though I suppose for realism, no wars have ever been fought purely for megalomania with some cock and bull story about WMDs in a middle eastern country as a cover story have they? So anyway, it's a gorgeous deep and detailed feudalism simulator, which sucks away hours and hours of your life.

Character Creator
Joose: This is one of my main bits of disappointment with the game. (You can ignore this bit if you want to because it's not essential at all.) The character creator could have been one of the best additions to the game, making it so you can mould a character how you want, even if you wanted to lead the Smurf Kingdom of Jerusalem, and then take that characters dynasty to world domination, or fail at it. Instead you get about as much customisation as if you visited a shit Plastic Surgeon, or if you stole a Mr Potato Head from a bin, you're given about 5 faces to choose from, and they all look like hamsters who have had their faces stuffed with a guys balls . It is absolutely pointless, as you can't create much character traits either, like all your characters have the education of lobotomised Stick Insect.  What it essentially is, is The Sims if the game had been created on paper by a dog... which had lost its legs.
RO: This one isn't the worst of the bunch thought, but it's still a rip off. Whereas most games have a 3D editor with detailed options (particularly as you pay extra) CK2 just has a 2D system with about 3 different faces and 12 personalities. But that isn't the worst of it, not by a long shot...

Sword of Islam
Joose: I don't understand why The Rofling Officer hates this piece of DLC. This is probably one of the best uses of DLC I have seen in a game. It doesn't just add features which had been ripped out of the game at launch, like I assume the event which allowed aliens to anally probe you was, this adds a completely new play style,  overhauling the UI, creating new gameplay events (with the introduction of decadence.) The whole point of the DLC is that it introduces the ability to play Islamic characters, which when you hear this you might say "Hey, this should be in at launch because you could change the game files already and be able to play them. Now I'm going to try have sex with a dishwasher." Well you know how I respond to you, I call you an idiot and believe that you should go sunbathe in a nuclear reactor, you tit. This does much more than just make Islamic factions playable, it also expands the map more south, to include the empire of Mali, because what you've always wanted to do in games was control an empire from Mali, being right up there with a game about being able to be a Forklift Truck Driver or being able to wash the arsehole of Mario. It a new interface to the game, as well as new gameplay techniques such as decadence, which if it gets to high, it can lead to your empire splitting up, and the fact you can declare war on any territories next you. Which kind of makes the game slightly, much easier as you can just constantly wage wars. Nevertheless, this added a lot of content into the game, as well as quite a bit of content in the free patch with it, this is how all DLC for this game should be, and I hope they add even more content in for the Republics DLC... Wait did someone say Republics? 'MERICA!!!

RO: While he has a point with it adding the new gameplay elements, it's still not enough to warrant the insane amount of money that you have to pay for this garbage. All it essentially does is green up the UI like you're monitor has been submerged in slime and let you play factions that should have been in the bloody game in the first bloody place. I feel the same about the Legacy of Rome, if Jooseman hadn't bought it me I would have boycotted it on sight. The only DLC that has interested me so far is the one where the Aztecs invade from the East. I've no idea why they took in this direction, seeing as how the game is supposed to be very realistic, but it sounds hilarious nonetheless. Then I heard about the republics DLC and now I hate the developers again. Make the DLC better please, don't just remove features from the main game and add them later on for extortionate prices...

Joose: I don't get the argument that they should be in the game when it started. They added completely new gameplay features and added to the map. By those standards, Shivering Isles shouldn't have been a DLC, or that Warcraft 3: The Frozen Throne shouldn't be an expansion, it should be in the actual game. It's bullshit reasoning, and can be used against every piece of DLC or Expansion in history.

Rofling Officer: It is not "bullshit reasoning", and I will explain more in an episode of the Waffling Officer. In the meantime, shut up Jooseman you stupid moron.

Legacy of Rome
Joose: This is the DLC I didn't like. It's not necessarily bad, as it does add some new content, but this does feel like it should have been in the game to begin with. It added editions to Orthodox nations, such as the Byzantine Empire, nations which have been playable in the game for the start, except with as much depth as a hole created by a one legged Tapir. This annoys me, if you were going to put these nations in from the start, why didn't they improve them, and give them the features then when the game was released, instead of making them a lacklustre edition of the game, and then making you pay to fix it later on. They're like Con Artist Builders... They're like Builders.
Don't let this DLC put you off an amazing game though, as you don't need it to play anyway, and even if you so wanted it, then you can pick it up in a sale. The DLC doesn't make the game any worse.

Game of Thrones Mod
RO: Now then: the game of thrones mod. A great idea, and very well pulled off mostly. I'll first run through what I hate: the updated combat system. I hate it so much, you send Ned Stark's army into battle and you get a window up that tells you that Ned has charged into the middle of a load of Lannister troops. You click an option, and 9 times out of ten Ned dies. It's horribly inorganic and rapes the immersion factor with a cactus full of ebola. Also, the Nights Watch are there for you to essentially have a nice relaxing snooze while you watch the months and years tick by while Winter Approaches Like An Angry Beast (the Wildlings haven't been added yet). The rest of the game is everything I could hope for, it's really, really good, and killing off your least favourite game of thrones characters is always a joy. Take that Cersei, you slutty bitch, hope you like eating knives!

Conclusion
Joose: In conclusion, this is one of my favourite games of the year, and has sucked the life out of me like a Prostituting Dalek. It really is amazing, and while there has been some bad DLC, and some arguable DLC, it doesn't stop the game from being any worse, and even the bad DLC does improve the game, even if slightly to make it not worthwhile to buy. You should buy this game, because even if you don't enjoy the original setting of the game (but that shouldn't matter for the game to be time confusing) there is a wide range of mods, such as the Game of Thrones one, floating around the internet like a thing that floats around the DLC and is almost nothing like what I just described. How do I finish this. Oh yeah, blah blah, buy this game now as it is amazing.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

The Beyond Stupid Halloween Scare’athon (Inc. Costume Quest Rant + 2 Videos)

Originally uploaded on John's Blog, reuploaded here. Happy Halloween!

Jooseman: Hello and welcome to mine, Jooseman, and the Rofling Officer annual scare’athon (that is what I will call it, and don’t even complain about false advertising) for this year’s Halloween, even though Halloween is about as exciting to me as eating burnt toast. I get scared way too easily to even celebrate Halloween by doing anything of note, hell I got scared by My Little Pony, no Mr Unicorn, don’t shove your horn there... Ahem, where was I? Ah yes, so this year we both decided to do our own thing, with him playing two games and recording them, including SCP Containment Breach, and me playing and writing a rant about the Tim Schafer game, Costume Quest, because I backed out. Now sit down with your nice mug of cocoa around the fire while watching Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror episodes and read this. Unless you take inspiration from Jimmy Savile, in which case, sit by the, door, watching and waiting. (Topical Jokes, I’ll be here until Monday)
Costume Quest
Jooseman: Costume Quest is essentially a Halloween Trick or Treat, Role Playing Game made by Tim Schafer, who made games that would make even the most amateur point and click fan have to change his pants because they are so wet with Semen. Not me, however, because I have a hatred for point and click in general, and was pretty happy to find this wasn’t such a game. In this game you have to select a child (Insert Jimmy Savile joke here again) and then you go around Trick or Treating with them until your sibling gets kidnapped by a guy who looks like Mr Toad got fucked by an Orc. You then set off on a mission to get him back, collecting other costumes to fight in along the way, like a really bad fashion designer.
And now onto the combat, which feels about as satisfying as masturbating with sandpaper, except not as painful. It is your standard, Turn Based RPG affair, like Final Fantasy and the like, which I find really annoying, and harder to get right than recreating the Sistine Chapel with cheese. It involves quickly pressing buttons which I apparently lack the skill to do properly and constantly get it wrong because of this. Now to bring it back to the costumes, each costume has different powers in combat, as well as different powers to move around, such as the first Robot suit, being able to Roller-skate, which sounds like an amazing power, up there with being able to massage a cat.
Anyway, the art style now, which is ridiculously nice. It all has a nice, cartoon feel to it, which is actually a style I enjoy in games, including things such as World of Warcraft. You don’t need amazing graphics in order for the developers to get off at night, all you need is something as nice looking as this. Anyway, this has suddenly got too nice again, so fuck shit balls cunt burger. Still would rather play this than any of the horror games people like to play at Halloween.
And now, that is my short Halloween Rant over. Now for something completely different, here is a dog riding a Unicycle (Imagine it yourself, you uncreative fucks)

Rofling Officer




 

Monday, 29 October 2012

War of the Roses Joint Review


Rofling Officer: Hello there, internet delinquents! And welcome back to another joint review/rant by me, the Rofling Officer, your Messiah and Saviour, and Jooseman Jonith Huckelberry III esq., some random douche I found wandering the streets. Over a four hour period our partnership blossomed, and well here we are once again to review a game. This time: War of the Roses, a medieval combat multiplayer game that we have both played for a while now. We were going to do a comparison with Chivalry, but that was binned (neither of us own it and I never even mentioned it to him).  So to start us off, here is Jooseman:

Jooseman: Ah yes, Chivalry that game that we are a absolutely qualified to compare and contrast War of the Roses to. See, I even have a faked degree from some school (degree not attached.) So, War of the Roses, a game I have been waiting a long time for. It felt like it took so long to come out, I may as well have invented a time machine and gone to get it. As a proud bloody northerner, the game spoke to me, like a dildo may speak to a sexually unsatisfied whore, and I felt the need to buy it. The basic premise is obviously that it's set in the War of the Roses, which is like questioning when a game called 1776, America's Year of Asskicking Awesomness is set. It is a multiplayer game with a twist, that every man, woman, dog and snowman (latter 3 may be included in DLC never) have swords, bows, arrows and the like, as you play as either Yorkshire or Lancashire, in the War of the Bad Accents.

RO: Well thank you for that Jooseman, very informative about nothing at all. You should run for office. Anyway, the game feels much like Battlefield or Call of Duty, but implanted in medieval times. For example there is an enormous amount of customisation (but not for your character bizarrely, when I saw the guy who look like he had a lobotomy with a garden shovel I instantly thought: all my men will look like that, so it’s the Army of Dumbasses), you can change your arrow type, armour type, sword sharpness, fighting style, what finger you pick your nose with, whether you have sticky keys on or off or whether you use Mac or Windows (Windows). The great thing about the War of the Roses is the sheer amount of stuff to buy, all sorts of armours and weapons and horses, and there is a fair few maps too. While this does add to the longevity of the game, it’s too little too late as the game is more barren than a woman living in the desert with no uterus who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. There are a measly TWO game modes, and both are nothing new. Team Deathmatch is always welcome in these games, and it’s certainly very enjoyable, but as for Conquest… What a pile of shite. Imagine running across three fields. That’s what conquest feels like to me, lots of effort and boredom for nothing at all. I’ll come back to this a little later, but for now: Jooseman?

Jooseman: I enjoy Conquest, the problem is, you get points quicker than a man with premature ejaculation gets off. Seriously, you can get out of games with way over 5000 points a game, which is enough to buy most weapons, armour and icecream topping one at a time. This means you buy can rapidly buy things and the only thing adding longevity is the levels (Which also advance with the points) and that doesn't itself last long. Once you have built your optimum build. you have no reason to continue playing the game really... Except because you find it fun. Now let's talk about the classes some more. The one I'm using is essentially a Guy on steroids moulded into armour and carrying a sword so huge that it's designed to compensate for something. The thing is, I can never see myself switching to a different classes except maybe to choose some heavier armour. That's another problem, the effect that heavier armour has on you. Yes you start sprinting, and it feels like you're trying to run while carrying a fucking elephant in really heavy armour, but it all round doesn't make a difference that is game changing. I have a solution to this. Make the people in light armour into fucking superman. Have them fly around helping children in a way that is completely different to Jimmy Saville, and then shoot people as they run past. Maybe they can even fight themselves not in costume at some point. No matter what I say however, this game is still ridiculously good fun to play with a few friends and the scale of some of the battles are pretty amazing, when you have 32 people on each side just charging at each other like angry Scotsmen... Or Scotsmen. As they get picked off by archers, and you wade into conflict, swinging your huge sword like Gregor Clegane from A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones for you TV watchers) or a violent pornstar. It's immense and fun enough to look over the faults I've said so far.

Rofling Officer: Now then, more criticism… (you should take this as a good sign that I’m struggling to take the piss at this point) Well the hand to hand combat isn’t much good, but that’s gonna take a little while to explain, and here it is. While swinging a sword is insanely accurate (I dread to think how the people making the hitboxes were treated, their family were probably forced into prostitution unless they get it precisely right), there isn’t any real weight behind the swing. It looks like your character is about as into the battle as he would be when cleaning up his dog’s shit. It really is a shame, but it’s MORE than made up for by the awesome ranged combat. While swords and other melee weapons have zero weight and momentum, the bows and crossbows are amazingly powerful, and the sound design is gorgeous. And when you pull off an instakill headshot and the Quake announcer yells “HEADSHOT!” I can’t help but cross my legs with joy. An absolute delight from the round start to the round end, worth it just for that.

Jooseman: Talking about the combat, another criticism of the combat is how insanely difficult it is to tell how much damage you have taken. Sometimes the game doesn't even allow you to have strawberries rammed into your eyes by a hammer before you drop dead, it just does it. It's hard to know if you are being slowly sliced in half by a massive sword, or if some annoying prick as started trying to poke at you with the effective battlefield weapon of a toothpick. They may as well have gone down the realistic option, and given you the number of hitpoints you have in the corner, because that's how real life works.

Rofling Officer: Now to conclude: this game is good. Really good. And it’s pretty cheap, but multiplayer only. The bows and crossbows are amazing, but the melee weapons aren’t so good though. So is it a recommendation? Yeah sure. Get it! This is Master Chief Petty Officer James Rofling, 007 signing off.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Game Previews

I'm not going to acknowledge the fact it's been ages since I've wrote a post; come on I've just become a college student and had ten weeks off, I've been more busy than a lumberjack in Narnia. So to make up for weeks of absence, here is a little post about the games I'll be getting (probably) this year in the pre-Christmas releases.

1. Dishonored!

The big one, the game I'm most looking forward to this year, and a good-looking new intellectual property to boot (I say good looking as in the game is shaping up well, I fucking hate the models, the characters look like blow up dolls drawn by Phillip K Dick). The art design is by the Half-Life 2 fellow, which excites me a deal, but what seals the deal is the look of how diverse the stealth, can't wait.

So any issues then, RO? Why yes, my presumptive friend! The game looks about as difficult as eating a grape. The actually eating is paint-dryingly easy, but there's always the annoying chance you become complacent and swallow a stone. By which I mean, like Batman, you have a gadget or power for everything. Seeing cones of visions, seeing enemies through walls, travelling at light speed, possessing things, parkour, it's all too much. So yeah if there's one concern, then it's the difficulty.

2. War of the Roses!

Another game I'm quite excited for, as the combat looks satisfying and challenging. After watching some TotalBiscuit and Yogscast (I've plugged them, hopefully they'll plug me) pre alpha footage, I bought the Mount and Blade games on Steam and I didn't like them. They just seemed like really weak and shallow RPGs with about seventy-hundred billion superior models on the market, but the multiplayer was fun, so I'm hoping War of the Roses will be fun. I particularly look forward to using a longbow on horseback, or lances on horseback, or Japanese Beaver on horseback.

3. Assassin's Creed 3!

Despite a few little blips with the idiotic portrayal of the British in some of the trailers, it still does resemble Assassin's Creed, which I'm sad to say I'm falling out with after Revelations. Assassin's Creed 1 was boring, slow, tedious, interminable, repetitive and dull, and I still have some major vitriol towards for wasting 9 hours of my life with unskippable monologues, bland emotionless characters and the same quests repeated ad nauseum...

Anyway to get to the point, Screed 2 was awesome, Brotherhood had a cool story focusing on the Borgias, and Revelations was a step too far and a little boring. Screed 3 mixes it up with a new protaganist, new setting etc., but what about gameplay changes? Well there are moving hay carts now... moving on.

My point is it's still Assassin's Creed so I'm willing to be it'll be an enjoyable and ridiculous romp about Templars and Assassins and that wanker Desmond.

4. Fable: The Journey!

FUCK OFF.

5. Halo 4!

Still 90% sure that it'll be absolute shite, but I'm willing to give 343i a chance.

Friday, 20 July 2012

Why Shooters Need to Change

In the past I've used lots of vulgar comments to show my distaste towards recent shooter tropes like a really limited number of weapons, health regeneration and cover mechanics, but now I'd like to be a little more mature and discuss why my problems are objectively bad for the shooter genre, not just my subjective opinion.

First of all: two weapon slots. OK this is a very bad idea; it tainted my enjoyment of stuff like Halo: CE. Why? Because you lose versatility. You find a new weapon! But... why take it when the two weapons you have now are best for taking out enemies at any range? Compare this to something like Serious Sam 3 when you can run through a group of enemies with your shotgun before switching out to your railgun for a few long ranged kills, then take out your rocket launcher to destroy the massive walking mech. With two weapon slots, it's very flow breaking to keep switching out to other weapons to take on the newest obstacle.

Another, more obvious reason is that it's simply more fun to run around with twelve weapons switching between them to your leisure than just using one, then switching to another as your backup.

Moving on; health regeneration. The reason this is a bad idea is that it's just pretty boring to sit down in cover waiting for you to wipe the food colouring out of your eyes. With health packs, its really tense as you dodge the bullets while crawling with coordinated blinking. Trying to reach a health pack can be really exciting (granted, sometimes it can be frustrating knowing that you've got 1 health and yo can't possibly survive), much more so than twiddling your thumbs and sighing as your health magically reappears. I don't even know why regenerating health is used, its not realistic at all, even though realistic shooters love it so much. Also, sitting in cover is really fucking boring. I want to shoot things in a shooter, not wait a couple of seconds or die.

Finally: cover mechanics. Now this can be a cool idea, especially for stealth games or games like S.T.A.L.K.E.R. (boy typing that title is very very annoying) where it fits the atmosphere, but cover based shooters are incredibly ubiquitous and as a result, boooooring. Plus in a first-person cover shooter you can't notice the bloody artwork that so many hours and neglected children were sunk into, except the guy who worked on the ceramic walls I guess. Like I said, cover can work. But in large doses? No. Back in 2007 when I first played Gears of War, I was faintly intrigued by cover based shooting. Then in 2011 beginning Gears of War 3, I was fucking sick of it.

So how should shooters change? Well, they should be more like shooters like Doom, Painkiller, Serious Sam etc. These are really fun games yes, but in the story department not so much. BUT games like that can have really excellent stories. Take my favourite game, Half-Life 2; no health regeneration or cover mechanics, and loads and loads of weapons, but also had a fantastic and dynamic story with a surprisingly well realised setting. So yeah, be more like that.

I just felt like writing something a little more serious today, but anyway. DEVELOPERS: HEED MY WORDS!

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Video: Orcs Must DANCE!

Uh...

I dunno why this idea came into my mind, but it just seemed like something I had to do...

Well, enjoy I guess.