WELCOME

Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Monday, 22 November 2010

Forget Cruise Control! We have Motion Control!

Since that gay faggot who I despise so very much "John Smith" has put up a rant on Motion Controls I think I should probably do a little follow up with my opinions, you know, those opinions you all deeply care about. To start off, no I do not HATE motion controls, however I do think that most are overrated, and are almost a step backwards in innovative terms.

Nintendo Wii!
The Wii was like a gleam of gold at the end of the mining tunnel, which grew more and more beautiful as we first started to handle it. However after a few weeks, the gold began to disitegrate, until the miners found that it wasn never gold at all, just a lump of shit dyed gold. The Wii's downfall in my opinion was because of 3 things:

1. The novelty of the motion control evaporated after 10 minutes

2. The controller was about as responsive as a blind, deaf and dumb stream of spunk.

3. The games on the Wii are shit fucking awful 4 years after the release.

If the Wii signalled the beginning of the era of motion controls I hope to god that the era improves sometime soon. Now that the Wii is out of the way, I'll review a couple of games:

New Super Mario Brothers Wii!

Don't let the name fool you, it's the same game as Super Mario Bros. 3 disguised as a brand new one. A normal person may think what the point of this game would be if it's the same as Super Mario Bros. 3, so to help that person out I would point to a huge neon sign behind the Nintendo HQ, which would read: "WE'RE IN THE MONEY!"

Wii Sports Resort!

This is the game that saw WiiMotionPlus gallop onto the scene to save the Wii, however the horse it was riding on still had the response time of a retarded quadraplegic. Half of the games have been copied and pasted shamelessly from Wii Sports by Nintendo, which leads me to refer to my neon sign analogy in the previous paragraph. The rest of the games are pathetic to say the least. Basketball feels like making a gay hand gesture to a passing aeroplane, and Power Cruising is about as immersive as a chocolate salad.

Wii Fit Plus!

Me being a fat bastard I was foolishly swept up by Wii Fit thinking that it would help me loose weight. However after roughly 11 months of playing the game I have lost about 4 pounds. Overall in this last year I've lost nearly 10 pounds, which I have to say I am extremely proud of, but that isn't because of the shitness of Wii Fit Plus. All the games are either fun... well fun-ish but don't help you lose any weight at all, or boring and still don't help you lose any weight at all.

Now I look back on the Wii's life I can weirdly compare it to Matilda's father in Roald Dahl's book Matilda. He was a used car salesman who did tricks like putting sawdust in the gear box so it runs smoothly for about a hundred miles before it broke again. Nintendo are Matilda's father, gleefully selling the thing they know everyone will discover is shit but before then make enough money to buy and sell God, and the Wii is the second hand car.

PlayStation Move!

Ah yes the delights of playing with a Wii Controller with a bell end on the end that can change colours. Actually that's not very fair is it, to say that PlayStation Move is a blind rip-off of the Wii would be to tell the absolute truth. PlayStation Move is now the most pathetic motion control system out there, even worse than the Wii because at least the Wii was fucking original. You can get the Wii with the shit controller and all you need to play is a lot of free hours in which the console can register your movement. With Kinect you get the joy of controller free gaming, say Microsoft and a tiny array of games with enough versatility for casual and hardcore gamers as a box of red grapes. But with Move, wow you just get the Wii all over again, how incredible.

One thing I actually like about the Move system is that Sony clearly hadn't forgotten about all the harcore gamers who play the PS3, God rest their souls, and released a few retardedly named games for retards who like doing retarded stuff retardly. There's THE Fight and THE Shoot, like we're all phenominal idiots who need everything spelling out like we're all four year olds writing out a witness statement.

Now since I have no intention to EVER get PlayStation Move then I can't do any game reviews for it, OOPS A DAISY BACON GREASE!

Sorry about that. Moving on:

Kinect for Xbox 360!

I believe that the Xbox 360 is the best console on the market, however slender that lead is. Because of this, it also needs the best motion control system on the market. So does it have it? Let's find out.

A good motion control system needs a good control system, so the Wii's out, I swung the Wii remote about an hour ago, so hopefully by the time I write this fucking thing maybe my Mii will swing his racket. It needs to be original so Move's out. And it also will need some good games, whether they are being released with the control system or just in the near future. And that is Kinect's downfall.

The first time I saw Kinect I thought it was magical, me being a fucking stupid arsehole back then who couldn't tell a good thing if it farted in my face. But I loved it, and when I went to London in August I tried the actual thing out. It was great, I loved mostly every second I played. It's not within spunking level of Half-Life 2 brilliance or the 3 years of my life dominated by the behemoth Halo 1.

If I based this review thing on just Kinect itself I would give it at least 8/10, but unfortunately, I'm also basing it on the games. So here we go:

Kinect Joy Ride!

Simple enough for even an American to understand, that is if he hasn't eaten the fucking game yet. You hold out your arms like you're holding a steering wheel, then just steer around the track. There isn't any accelerate control or brake or reverse control, its all done for you. That, unfortunately makes this game incredibly annoying, so annoying I nearly took a leaf out of the above mentioned American's book and nearly ate the disc. The game only realises that you need to reverse about an hour after you crash into the wall, and an hour after all your opponents get first, second, third and fourth place. The game is alright, but it comes across as a game you can play once at a friend's house and you've done everything the game has to offer.

Kinect Adventures!

This is the game you get packaged with Kinect, and fortunately it is a blast. The 5 different type of adventures are all great, I enjoyed them enormously, and there are plenty of different variations on these to make it a game that you won't have explored properly for at least 5 hours. Better than Joy Ride at least.

Kinect Sports!

By far the best game on Kinect, there are only a few annoyances with Sports. The first is that the Beautiful Game (football and yes it is football, it will never ever be soccer) is not the Beautiful Game any more in this game. The bowling is so transparently taken from Wii Sports it could pass for a fucking window, but these are all tiny niggling doubts. The Track and Field stuff is amazing, so is volleyball and everything else I've left out. Get this game.

The Verdict

Nintendo Wii: 4/10

Playstation Move: 4/10

Kinect: 6.5/10

Kinect is the winnar!

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Religion is SHIT. Also, People don't understand what Racism is.

Yeah that's right religion is shit. All religions. Not just one religion. Every. Single. One. In. Existance. Of all time.

First let me argue my stance before you shout about how racist I am. There is no God. It's pretty fucking obvious when you look at it. No God, who is supposed to be all-loving, and merciful, would say that being gay is a "despisable" act. He is supposed to love us all, no matter what we do. Plus the bible keeps contradicting itself. Most of the time we hear the "give peace a chance" bullshit, telling us we should forgive each other and be nice to each other, or else. Then we get God making child birth incredibly painful for women instead of forgiving them, valuing one people over another (Israelites over Egyptians) instead of loving them both equally as he preaches all the fucking time.

And I also know that God doesn't exist because I know why religion was invented. It was invented to exploit peoples' ignorance. For example the church during the Medieval period extorted money from peasants, telling them "give us money and you won't go to hell". What kind of all-loving deity would allow that? There are so many things God, if he existed, which he doesn't, wouldn't fucking allow. The religion of Islam keep their children in special schools where they are taught how great Islam is over and over again, basically brainwashing them. Other reasons God doesn't exist include:

1. Why do bad things happen if he is all powerful?

2. Why the fuck does Satan PUNISH bad people when he's God's enemy, doesn't that mean he's helping him.

3. Jesus is really fucking touchy. One of the disciples says he's going to die because their boat is sinking and then Jesus shouts that he has no faith. Excuse him for not fucking thinking that some fat bearded guy stuffing his face with fried chicken would help him when he's dying.

4. If God created the world, who created God?

5. Why does the bible not make sense?

There that'll do for this section. Moving on:

The world today is so fucking sensitive. Now you can't even think about the word "Black person" without being accused of being racist. Even this bloody blog post will be accused of racism soon. To start off I think I will explain the term racism. Telling someone who is a Muslim that they are a Muslim is about as racist as Martin Luther King. Telling someone you don't like them because they are Muslim is mild racism, it being mild compared to burning down their house and shitting in their arse crack being strong racism.

At school the other day one of my friends called one of my friends a Jew, then another friend said "He's not a Jew, he's a Muslim." (he's neither) At which point the first friend had trouble breathing in for a few seconds before he finally managed to pump out the words: "That is so racist!" before collapsing on the floor and masturbating over Call of Duty: Black Ops, while struggling to draw in the tiniest breath because of his shock.

That is not fucking racist. Idiots who say stuff like that need to look up the definition of racism. When someone tells me I'm white I don't freak out and tell the police that you were being racist about me, I just say "Well no shit you fucking honky." Yes as you can tell, I am being sarcastic. About the honky part anyway.

Also, the Music of Black Origin Awards are racist. And no, that's not because I think white people are better, it's because proper tolerance means being equal. If someone set up the Music of White Origin Awards it would immediately be accused of discriminating against black people, but the MOBO awards aren't accused of discriminating against white people. It's the same with Black History Month. Every year white kids and black kids dress up as a famous black person (in America that is) and say about how great they are. There is no White History Month, oh no because that would be racist wouldn't it. No why force white children to dress up as black people and not force black children to dress up as white people, that makes a whole lot of fucking sense doesn't it.

I have no problem with black people. What I want is for a truly tolerant society where people aren't discriminated against or valued because of the colour of their skin or their religion. And the closer the world tries to get to this dream, the further away we get from it. By trying to get white people equal with black people we end up over compensating, valuing black people over white. And the longer this stays around, the bigger the effect of it. Recently I overheard the weirdest coversation ever between 2 people in my class. They were arguing about the Pope and President Obama, when one said "Has there ever been a black Pope? No, so shut up." I immediately said "What does that have to do with anything. Being black doesn't make you better than anyone else." At which point I was accused of being racist, surprise surprise.

Obama shouldn't have been elected because he was black. He should have been elected because of his policies and how he would help the country. Explain how him being black effects his quality as a president. It doesn't, which explains why Obama is a shit president.

Now I'm so agnry I cna't eevn tpye porprley, so I'l fniish now.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

The Christmas Video Game Release Rundown!

Right no intro this time let's just get going:

Halo: Reach!

I love the Halo series and this game has lived up to the standard. I like to think of the Halo series like going down the side of a gentle slope. Halo: Combat Evolved was amazing, and if it weren't for Half-Life 2 it'd be the best game of the decade. There's really not much to complain about for it, so I'll just say it's so good it'll make the most religious catholic have sex with another man and jack off over the devil. Halo 2 was a slightly worse than Halo 1, but the slope wasn't steep enough to be much trouble for a great franchise. Halo 3 made the slope difficult to keep walking at the same pace, but there wasn't anything really wrong with it. Then Halo 3: ODST came along and turned the slope into a fucking cliff, the series having no chance of survival as he plummeted the thousands of feet to the classic franchise's death. Finally along came Halo: Reach, using defibulaters to revive the franchise and urging him on, and the climb back up the mountain started again.

Fable III!

If the number wasn't different to Fable 2's then I would have said fuck off to Fable 3 because I thought it was just Fable 2 in disguise as a new game. Peter Molyneux, when he isn't ejaculating over being able to interact with a virtual boy, has once again exclaimed about the great choices you get, like in Fable 2. You can become King! Like in Fable 2. You can... ah fuck off. Regardless of this I am still getting it, I like Fable.

PlayStation Move!

This makes me piss myself laughing everytime I see a trailer or a picture for it. All Move is is just the Wii without needing your relfexes to be strong enough to act before something happens. OK that was a bit confusing so I'll shorten it down: Wii = shit, PS Move = improves on sensitivity issues but is exactly the fucking same as Wii in every other way. At least with Kinect the technology improves a lot on the Wii, as is the point of the 4 years longer development on the Wii, but PlayStation Move just says fuck it and uses the same thing as the Wii. One of the only things that slightly redeems Move in my eyes is the game line-up. While the Wii's games consist of the unholy creation of pouring liquid nostalgia into a game making machine and Kinect's games being a giant middle finger in all the faces of hardcore Xbox gamers, Move considers the people who like shooters and brawlers by releasing The Fight and The Shoot etc. In conclusion I piss myself whenever I see something about Move, something about shit motion controls and an alright game list. Moving on now.

Kinect for Xbox 360!

Having my excitement receptors torn out of me about a year ago leaves me unable to get excited about anything anymore. The only thing that came close to making me look forward to a release this year was the Kinect Demo at Covent Garden in London. And no before anyone says how sad I am going to London just to bum off Kinect I was already going there when I found out about Kinect's demo. Deal with it fuckers. Kinect was a blast, I liked beating my Dad at Kinect Sports and he enjoyed (thoroughly) beating me at Joyride. On the day I failed to notice what would happen to the games on Kinect 2 months after release. The novelty would wear off and everyone would stop caring that the camera reads your whole body. Just like the Wii. I am extremely disappointed to the point of angry with Kinect's game list. Microsoft said, no promised that they wouldn't neglect hardcore gamers with the game list, so I guess that was a blatant lie then? All the games aren't really games at all. They seem to be messages saying "FUCK YOU, WII! LOL WE'RE BETTER THAN YOU!".

Call of Duty: Black Ops!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

Well then Crap Ops, or Call of Duty 7 (doesn't time fly when you're having fun) the latest in the string of urine-soaked shit that is the Call of Duty franchise. Call of Duty 4 was amazing, truly amazing and so brilliant that every other CoD game should admit how shit they are and call CoD 4 the king of all CoD's. But unfortunately that doesn't happen because the idiots that make up the general public squeal with delight like pigs in a trough when a new CoD game is released. Like I said before CoD 4 is amazing, CoD 5 was just CoD 4 again re-skinned for WW2 and CoD MW2 took everything that was great about CoD 4 and chucked it into the meat-grinder while laughing and spitting in my forlorn face as I realise that every single CoD game from now will be shit. And now along comes CoD: Crap Ops that will just be CoD MW2 re-skinned for the most ridiculous setting imaginable. Even in the reveal trailer I thought wow this is a MW2 rip off. In MW2 one line was: "History is written by the victor. History is filled with liars." which is a famous Churchill quote and in the Crap Ops trailer a line was: "A lie is a lie. Just because you write it down and call it history doesn't make it the truth." To be honest I don't even fucking care enough about CoD games any more to make up an analogy for it. It'll be shit, get over it and play something actually worth playing for once you brainless fucks!

Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock!

Over the last 5 years we've had so many Guitar Hero's that I had to buy special nose plugs to stop them flowing out of my nostrils. Ever since Guitar Hero World Tour all these games have been pointless; anything Guitar Hero 5 changed in the series could have just been shipped onto Guitar Hero World Tour with downloadable content. Guitar Hero is like Call of Duty, the developers will keep milking the franchise by adding small and very stupid things to Guitar Hero, and when they run out of stupid stuff to add they'll keep milking untill finally the franchise collapses, screaming no more then shoots itself in the udders.

Rock Band 3!

See above comments for similar comments on Rock Band 3, but the thing that Rock Band 3 has added is probably worth getting the game for (keyboard).

DJ Hero 2!

DJ Hero is on my worst games of the decade list so you'll excuse me for saying some extremely rude words about the shit fest that is DJ Hero. The person that commisioned a sequel to this god awful game should be locked in a soundproof room while his own shit remixes are played over and over again at 1000dB until their head explodes.

Well that's about all I'm going to type today, thanks for reading my blog post. And if you are sat there right now reading this and saying how shocked you are at my sudden nice-ness, then 1) Stop using Bacon Grease in your hair you weirdo and 2) You're a fucking idiot if you didn't recognise the sarcasm.

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Top 5 Game Developers of All Time

OK, to start off this list will NOT include any god-awful game developers that everyone loves because of nostalgia, it will contain GOOD game developers. The criteria of this list is not only making great games, but also what the game developers are LIKE, by which I mean there will be no sell-outs on this list.

#5: Infinity Ward

OK, relatively easy start, Infinity Ward made all the GOOD Call of Duty games (CoD 4, 2 and 1). They aren't higher on this list because of how painfully bad Modern Warfare 2 is. Imagine Infinity Ward's CoD games as a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. It starts off lovely and delicious then when you get near the bottom of the bowl you realise it's not chocolate at all, but dog shit. However Infinity Ward take their customers as retards, who only want bigger guns and more shooty bits, so they are actively spoon feeding the begging players there bowl of dog shit.

#4: Bungie

If you're now thinking "who are Bungie, again?" and scratching your head in thought, then the word "Halo" will immediately jog your memory. Some call Bungie the greatest game developers of all time, while some call them a one trick pony. While this is partly true, Oni was a great game too, also developed by Bungie. The reasons they are number 4 on this list is 1) They made my favourite gaming series of all time and 2) I love how involved they are in their fanbase. While some developers just ignore their fans like freaky ex-girlfriends, Bungie listen to them. They have games with them and they watch and play what their fans have done in Halo. However the Halo games and Bungie aren't perfect. Bungie spend so much time thinking of great stuff to put in the multiplayer that the Campaign always feels very rushed. The problem with Bungie is that most people start to think they have developed a case of Infinity ward syndrome, doing the exact same thing over again like a man stuck in a time warp, if they were real, which there not. Halo incredibly has remained the same since 2001, fucking hell even Apple managed to change something in 9 years. It was only Steve Jobs' weight but at least Apple changed!

#3: Blizzard

Ah, Blizzard. I've wasted days of my life because of these brilliant bastards. The Warcraft series always appealed to RTS guy in me, but their number 3 slot was secured with the phenomenem that is World of Warcraft. Unfortunately almost everyone in the world thinks World of Warcraft is nerdier than a Warhammer 40k collector at a Star Wars convention with tickets to the Star Trek invention after it. This is almost as stupid as the PlayStation Move (zing). First of all, people who play World of Warcraft so excessively that they don't go out at all and wear adult nappies while they play are not nerds... they're freaks. Blizzard has been controversial game developers because of a Korean couple leaving their child at home who died because they were playing World of Warcraft, but seriously what the fuck, I doubt that has anything to do with the game and more about them being worse parents than gary Glitter and Ian Huntley. And anyway, if they had a home computer that would never have happened. Which leads to mine and Johns campaign, free computers for everybody, which we just made up, because we are dicks.

#2 Rockstar

If you though Blizzard were controversial, then you haven't seen anything yet. Despite having developed excellent games such as Grand Theft Auto and Red Dead Redemption, nearly all of their games having caused angry and often hilarious news reports about them. To see what I'm talking about, watch Glenn Beck's news report on GTA IV. It is so funny to see how naive it is. Here's Part 1 and Part 2. Beck rants about it like it's worse than a new Hitler-Stalin hybrid that plants Nazi brains into Al-Qaeda heads with an IRA ice cream scoop. Manhunt 2 was banned in the UK, which fucking astounded me. I knew that the Australian Censor guys banned a game if it included women with breasts, or it showed that humans have blood. But in the UK we're a bit more lenient. Well, the Defence Secretary did have a go at Medal of Honour because of the Taliban in the Multiplayer. You'd think that he'd have bigger things to worry about, like you know winning the war. Only problem with Rockstar is that they fucked up the pc more than a person fucking something up to fuck it up. they left the PC which made it famous and went to console, giving computer gamers an unplayable game where the floor disappears half way through and you get sent back in time to the Battle of Hastings.

AND FINALLY, THE GREATEST GAME DEVELOPER OF ALL TIME:

#1 Nintendo

It's obvious that Nintendo deserve this number 1 spot. They are excellent game developers, who give us excellent game series that don't drag out at all. What Nintendo definitely DON'T do, is stretch on their game series on and on like a prostitute attempting to make double. And they DON'T just use nostalgia as a way to sell their games. They're plain awesome.

Hahahahahahahaha, but seriously.

AND FINALLY, THE REAL GREATEST GAME DEVELOPER OF ALL TIME:

#1 Valve

This may come as a bit of a shock for a lot of gamers, but come on. The Half-Life series is better than a wireless blow-job dispenser. As is Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead, Counter-Strike, the list goes on. While they do have a few mediocre games under their belt, like Portal. But even that isn't much of a criticism because Portal wasn't meant to be a big game like Half-Life, it was just a side-game that took off like a thing that took off in a big taking off factory. Ol' "Johnny Smith" agrees with my number 1 but he hates Left for Dead because Valve made that instead of Half-Life 2 Episode 3, however that may be because if they eventually did its awesomness would blow up the earth and send body parts and shit flying off into space for a cannibalising, faeces loving alien to eat. And for dessert he'd eat cake. For all this Valve get my The Best Gaming Developers Of All Time Badge... Sponsored by EA (sorry guys but your corruption diamonds wernt enough for me, what do you mean you'll send mobsters around to my house?)

Overall to NOT choose Valve as the best game developer of all time would be like saying Hitler really got on with the Jewish population, or Nick Griffin was a very tolerant man, or that Americans aren't arrogant, fat and stupid. Your wrong and it what your saying doesn't make sense to American readers/listeners, you know 'cause they're stupid.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Joint Review: X Factor Series 7

Today we have a special treat for all you cynics reading this out there (no-one). I say "we" because I am going to do a collaborated review of the X Factor this year with "John Smith". This review will also be on his blog, found here. Enjoy.

Dan: The X Factor draws millions of viewers with each series, it would be like if the Queen's Christmas message featured Her Majesty shouting along to rap music and break dancing with Barack Obama (with David Cameron DJing in the back). Everyone would tune in to watch that, just like everyone tunes in to watch the X Factor. Even though the X Factor is just as hilariously stupid as the above mentioned analogy, no one seems to realise it. They all seem to think it's a reality TV show to find the next big thing in music, when all it is is a sitcom to discover who can come up with the biggest sobstory.

John: The sob stories get worse every year, and I'm pretty sure most of them make them up. In fact I might go on and say "My grandma died before I was born and my grandfather and father both got killed in Zimbabwe. My Mum commited suicide and my sister had been shot by Mugabe for being a political prisoner.". Then again only the good people get the stories. A lot easier to make fun of people without saying "hahaha your mum's dead!". Thats like adding insult to injury in the same way you could give a BNP member a black eye. They might aswell as say, fuck the music, if you're dad's dead you will be a star. To be honest I'm surprised thousands of teenagers haven't gone out to kill their fathers.

Dan: This year's series has become the most controversial series ever, partly because Dermot O'Leary can't say "controversy" right and partly because of this whole "Gamu Nhengu" storyline. After I saw the Judge's Houses episode and Gamu was sent home I immediately predicted what one of the paper's would say the next day: "CHERYL COLE IS RACIST BECAUSE GAMU DIDN'T GET THROUGH!" Sure enough I went on the Daily Mail and there it was. Even though a) She put another black person through, b) Will.I.Am helped pick her final 3, who is also black, c) She was married to Ashley Cole and d) GAMU IS INCREDIBLY OVERRATED. I keep feeling like Gamu is one of those sitcom or film characters whose one short stint on that TV Show or movie destroyed her whole life. That's certainly what the X Factor did for her. After she was deservedly sent away by Cheryl Cole her visa status was thrown into question and now her residensy in the UK hangs by a thread. Sorry make that a few thousand threads stitched together because now she's got the whole might of Simon Cowell's wealth behind her.

John: Many people want her to stay in this country for 1) She is supposedly a political prisoner and the X Factor is classed as politics now. and 2) Nobody gives a shit about that as the only reason they say she should stay is becos she can sing a little. Nobody cares about the money her family are milking out of the country more than a chronic masturbator ejaculates. I went onto the Daily Mail as this is one of the few things I can agree with them on, but even there their are thousand of comments supporting her. They are all voted down but thats not the point. This whole story makes The X Factor seem like the new Immigration test and has proably sent a messege to oppressed North Koreans.... If they could watch TV or get on the internet. Anyway Nevermind at least she can compete on the Zimbabwean singing contest, she could win her life and a bowl of rice supposed to last the year. It really dosn't bother me at least then she isn't ruining the economy more than Gordon Brown while deppressed.

Dan: My final word on the Gamu controversy is that the idiots saying that it's "tight" on Gamu for deporting her ARE FUCKING RETARDS! No it is not tight, that's like saying paedophiles shouldn't be sent to jail because it's not very nice to them. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO THEM, THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG SO THEY NEED TO PAY THEIR DEBT TO SOCIETY, just like paedophiles feel children and Gamu's mother illegally claimed benefits and her visa was refused. As far as I'm concerned it's bye-bye back to Zimbabwe for Gamu. Moving on from Gamu, this year in a bigger effort to steal more money from the idiotic drones in the population than Steve Jobs releasing the iGun to shoot you in your iHead because your iPhone 4 has lost it's fucking reception again, I bet the X Factor winner will get the Christmas number 1. It didn't happen last time, which was fucking hilarious, but it's gonna get this year, I can feel it.

John: Songs from ex-stars clog up the charts more than constipation, bringing more joys to girls than a Justin Bieber nude photoshoot. They get so much money it makes Simon Cowell shove more up his own arse than a double jointed man experimenting. He pretends to hate the rubbish acts, but in fact sits at home, twiddling a fake moustache and lauging evilly "Chart domination is mine, young Cheryl!". They are even releasing the songs on iTunes, in a blatant copy of That's the music, or We are better than X Factor's music, whatever that thing on Sky 1 was called. It had 50 cent clone 101 on it. Anyway now onto the contestants.

Dan: The final 12 this year are probably the feeblest in the history of the show, with people like Aiden Grimshaw getting though. I kept yelling at my TV for him to OPEN HIS FUCKING EYES YOU COCKY BASTARD! What makes it so infuriating is that he's not even any fucking good so he has no reason to think he's brilliant. But he is no where near as bad as supposed superstar Cher Lloyd. Seconds after she finished her audition there were controversies brewing in the minds of the news, like some sort of cynical eyeball stew that thinks eyeball stew is horrible so it hates itself. I heard news stories about how she was too nervous to go on the live shows even though by putting a crowd on the auditions systematically made it the same as the live shows without the addition of blinding neon lights every five seconds, so why would she be more nervouse of the live shows? I read in a paper how she wouldn't be able to compete because her exams were coming up. All of this doesn't take away the fact that her act gets very old very fast and she isn't that good anyway. If she wins it will be a travesty. Who do you think should win? I hear the one reader ask. Wagner of course.

John: Katie Weasel I mean Waisell is one of the most complained about acts this year, mainly because some people take the X Factor as serious as the Afghan War. She is supposedly being bullied so has threatened to quit, because unlike basically the rest of the population, she was brought up as a mentally retarded princess who was never bullied before so she can't stand it now. Her costume on the first live show made her look like she was wearing a beetle on her head or she was a gay stormtrooper.
What pains me about this competition is that Wagner is the best contestant this year, and he looks like a stereotypical Paedophile. Well he was an ex PE teacher. He also sings worse than a man with a porcupine up his arse.
Aiden's face actually scared me, his faces made him seem so much like a psycopath I felt like turning off my TV and ringing a Mental Institution.
The first to get booted off was some Italian called Nicolo, who looked like a gay Bond villain who would randomly burst into song. Sure enough he nearly cried when he was booted off, you know like almost everyone else. They cry when they stay in, when they are voted out and when they have a poo.

Dan: To finish off I think this year's X Factor has been one of the worst series yet, it is bloody awful. If people like Aiden, Nicolo and Wagner can get to the live shows then even I can. That's it, the end. Well, I'll do another column when the X Factor finishes, but for now goodbye.

John: Yeah, now piss off.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Friedberg and Seltzer, same as always

Who would have thought that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who are to the film industry what radioactive fleas are to an itchy dog, would not only make their fifth movie, but it would be just as shit as their last 4. Seriously, Disaster Movie is probably one of the worst films of the 21st Century, bar none.

Monday, 4 October 2010

House MD: Season 7 Opener

House MD. I think the only thing more overrated than this TV show is Modern Warfare 2. This TV show has gotten rave reviews from critics all over the world, but I'm left thinking simply: "What the fuck is this shit? How is this so popular?" etc etc.

Almost every episode I've seen is just tedious and often boring. Boredom is a massive part of this show. The medical team are discussing what could be wrong with a guy (Blonde bitch thinks infection, Generic Black Guy thinks Lupus, while Annoying Australian Fuck agrees with House), meanwhile I'm led on my sofa, eyelids getting heavy...

Even the most "exciting" parts quickly become gratuitous and sleep-provoking. In every single episode the patient crashes. Seriously, every episode. It's like the sight of all the annoying fucks on House's team is enough for their heart to stop.

I watched House for a while. Mainly Season 4 and parts of 5 and 6. The rest I've only seen smippets of. I really liked Season 4. Back then I had only seen about 3 episodes of the show, thanks to John Smith's raving about it (it being his favourite show). I borrowed his DVD of Season 4 and watched all of it. It was great, I loved some of the storylines and the finale was fucking amazing.

It didn't last. Season 5 wasn't too bad, I liked the finale, not a patch on the Season 4 ending, but still good enough to get a smiley face from me... :). Season 6. The biggest piece of shit I've seen since the local cesspool exploded next to the blocked up sewers. That's a bit harsh, the season opener was alright. But from there it span out of control, going around and around like a paranoid helicopter. In one episode early in the season Annoying Australian Fuck kills an evil dictator. At the time I thought oh right, this sounds quite good, it had the potential to be a good and interesting storyline. The House writers don't seem to realise that it storyline isn't made good by how long it is. Fucking hell, the whole Lesbian Fatal Disease Woman and Generic Black Guy love story was dragged out for AN ENTIRE SEASON. WHO CARES!? It's the same thing with this. "I killed him." "OMG MURDERER!" 10 episodes later: "I killed the evil dictator a few months ago." "OMG MURDERER!", then cut to a shot of my on my sofa: "Ah fuck off."

That was the last episode of House I ever watched. When I heard about the new season of House I had no intention of watching it. What changed my mind was the hilariously bad story involving House and Cuddy falling in love. WHO WANTS TO WATCH HOUSE HAPPY AND LOVED UP?! What made House good for about one season was the fact that House was a grumpy old get with no bedside manner, so this "happy" thing will never work, never in a million years.

I watched the episode and I thought it was the best piece of entertainment on a screen since my favourite movie of all time; Meet the Spartans (That scene where all the spartans dance around for 15 minutes was fucking awesome). The episode had a love story in it that took up the entire episode, but there were some parts where the writers seemed to have a brief moment of self realisation and realised that what they're writing is bullshit worthy of a large bull with a bad diet, so the actors try to take the mick out of the storyline.

I don't want to write anymore, so I'll just give my opinion.

The season opener of House Season 7 was a pile of shit so high it makes the Burj Dubai look like a toothpick standing on it's end. Truly awful, the worst thing on TV since the premiere of the Middle last month.

0.5/10. I'm completely serious.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Me on Portal

Portal has got to be the best game of all time. Action-packed, innovative and absolutely perfect, this game... wait a second.

Am I playing the same fucking game here? Portal is nothing special. Sure it's innovative, a lot of games are. But this game is NOT the best game of all time, and it never will be.

The basic story of Portal is that you are a random person in a random laboratory and you have to pass random tests to get absolutely nothing. Oh no I'm sorry, you do it to get a piece of fucking cake. How motivating. And if you think my use of the word random is a critcism, then you're wrong. I like how random it is. It leaves you guessing what is going to happen, if every detail was explained the experience wouldn't be the same. It would be even worse.

The gameplay elements are a sprinkling of a lot of genres. There's the obvious puzzle game involvment, some certain parts remind me of an action game, and others a First Person Shooter. There's also some "hilarious" black comedy in the game, all of which are funny enough to turn the happiest man on earth into a cynic.

The best game of all time cannot be completed in half an hour. I hear game critics saying "I got about 2-3 hours out of this game". Bullshit. The most a normal gamer can get out of this game is an hour and that's if they stopped to have a wank in the middle.

Sure the game is fun. For about 3 test chambers. Near the end. The game treats you like a retarded, blind, deaf and dumb alien from the USA. The first 8 test chambers are a piece of piss, it's basically shoot portal here, walk through, you win. It's only on the 9th chamber that the difficulty is raised to a challenging experience for a brain-damaged four year old.

By the end the puzzles are so hard I had to really think about them. It was only for a second, but I still had to think damn it! The only part I really enjoyed was the boss fight with GLaDoS. Glados (I'm just saying it like that now fuck it) is an AI in the random laboratory you are in, and she is supposed to be funny. I found the Lockerbie bomber's release funnier than her.

I'll finish by saying that Portal is the most overrated thing since House MD. It does NOT deserve all the critical acclaim it's getting, it deserves to be what it truly is: A little side game with The Orange Box that no one can remember the name of but they thought it was mildly amusing.

It's OK, but it doesn't astound me like it does EVERYONE else.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Important Post: About Me

My name is Daniel Barker, but have a few aliases that I'm known by: My Xbox Live name is Slayer Dan 101, my name on Youtube is Slayerd101, other names include Fatass, Fat shit, Lard arse, Jabba the Chub and my last alias is the Rofling Officer.

I used to make Halo machinima, which is basically making little cinematic movies with characters in the video game Halo 3. Let me just say that video game hating twats are not welcome on this blog, and if you do hate video games then instead of commenting on this saying how sad I am and how video games are the "symbolisation of the decay of modern society", please superglue your nipples to the piston of a speeding train.

I grew bored with making machinima, so decided to make a live action satirical series on YouTube, called Both Extremes. After nearly 15 years on this horrible planet, surrounded by bullshit religions and a horseshit school, I have been left a cynical huske. Deprived of all happiness until I see something shit to review, coming up with analogies and sarcastic comments to put my above average intelligence to use.

So far Both Extremes remains in production after a solid 4 or 5 months of sitting around on my arse. But rest assured that it is going to be uploaded soon.

Well that's about what your going to find in my "work". On this blog you will mainly find reviews of games, rants about pop culture, and updates on Both Extremes. Thank you very much, please subscribe on YouTube.

Dan.

Monday, 20 September 2010

The Glorified Dicks at Nintendo

I hate Nintendo almost as much as I hate Apple. Apple spends half of its time trying to make Microsoft look bad (they have a strange method that involves releasing shitter products than Microsoft), and the other half selling the same shiny oblong over and over again to all the brain damaged retards stupid enough to fall for them. Which is why it isn't surprising that they are one of the richest companies out there.

Nintendo meanwhile, are a game developing company. This difference aside, they function almost the same as Apple. Except they have no other companies to compete with on their scale. They're huge. And the reason they are so rich and powerful is...

Nostalgia.

A world without nostalgia would mean a world without Nintendo. The original Super Mario Bros. is a prime example of Nintendo milking the nostalgia. Except they milk it so hard nostalgia has to run into the bathroom to tape its udders back on a daily basis. Everyone thinks Super Mario Bros. is great because it was the best looking game out then and Mario was a character people were able to explore. Over 20 years later the Super Mario series is still going on.

People may say "that's because its a great series with so many new ideas". Bullshit. Saying Mario games are original is like saying Justin Bieber sounds like Barry White. You play one Mario game you've played them all. There are no changes to the story, just changes to the graphics and settings. As I say many times, the state of the graphics do not make a good game. Take Resident Evil 5. Some of the most breathtaking graphics I've ever seen are in that game, but that doesn't stop it being a pile of shite. No one would want to play a game where you just continually throw paper aeroplanes all day would they, so why would people think it better if you can make out a little speck of dust on the paper?

As the Mario series progressed, new characters were introduced, and the settings went from grassland to cave to more grassland to the sun to a 3D realm and then to space in Super Mario Galaxy. The plot remains the same: "Princess Generic is captured by lizard crocodile, Italian plumber saves Princess, lizard thing dies, Plumber and Princess have cake. That isn't a joke to those who don't know what Mario is.

This plot raises a few questions. Have the people in the mushroom kingdom always been this retarded, or did they all have an accident? How can the same lizard thing kidnap the same princess over and over again and keep getting away with it? Have they not locked Bowser up or just killed him? Oh yeah he dies everytime Mario confronts him so what the hell is that? Is he an immortal lizard?

It boggles the mind. What astounds me the most about Mario is that despite being exactly the same right down to the dialogue (there isn't any) in each game, its just as successful now as it was 25 years ago. Perhaps more so. If another studio tried this they would flop immediately. Imagine the Call of Duty series if all the games were exactly the same each time just with better graphics and a different setting. Oh wait...

Mario isn't the only Nintendo series powered by nostalgia, there's Metroid, Zelda (which also suffers from having the same fucking plot over and over again), Donkey Kong... I could go on.

But I don't want to. Nintendo are the longest running competirors in the console wars, but they also happen to be the shittest. I've thought up a few slogans for Nintendo: "We're the best game developers ever. Why you ask? Our games from 20 years ago are good." and "We can't stop making original games... because we never started." and who could forget "Fuck those guys, we did it first!"

Sooner or later Nintendo will run out of different settings for Mario. After space, where can you go next? An alternate dimension? No matter what I say about Mario I can't deny I didn't enjoy the first games he was in, so it makes me strangely sad to see him going down the same route as Sonic (a sort of spiky hedgehog that runs around collecting rings, cor how exciting). Sonic games nowadays make me think "how long until Mario goes like this?".

But that's enough waffling from me for one day. Go ahead and enjoy you life for what it is, a pile of crap, shitty enough to rival Nintendo without enough stink left over to challenge Apple too.

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Review: Call of Duty 3

'S up,

Since Both Extremes is taking its sweet time to come out, the bastard, I've decided to do something I like. Ranting about crappy games to no one in particular.

Now calling Call of Duty (lol Calling and Call rofl God I'm a tit) a game is like calling Steve Jobs Bill Gates. Sure they both have nearly the same jobs but one keeps trying to get one over the other by adding horrible things like the iPad or the iPhone huge Edition as I like calling it. Enough of the analogy, what I mean is, Call of Duty 3 thinks it has to go that extra bit further than Call of Duty 2 by adding new features.

And by new features, I mean the suicide inducing "melee scenes". They tried to mix things up by having these little parts where you mashed different buttons to wrestle off a Nazi attacker (basically a quick time event, one of those things that comes just above the IRA in my things to destroy list). There are about five in total, and don't make the slightest bit of sense. First of all, if a Nazi was at a doorway, why the hell would he try to wrestle with his ambush victim when he has a loaded rifle in his hands.

Plus its a stupid idea really since the Nazi wouldn't know if your squad was with you, so they could just pick him off, you know if they weren't condom-on-tongue retarded. The main problem with these WWE scenes is that it feels so much like a film that once a put down my Xbox controller and starting try to pause it with my DVD remote, so I could escape the nightmare of a game. I also noticed it borrowed heavily from Saving Private Ryan, it even had the pussy guy who's too scared to save his friend so he hides in the corner. Except he was an entire squad of retards.

I've mentioned your retarded squad and I will again. RETARDS! It's ridiculous its like one of the training regimes included bouncing the soldiers on their heads until froth started coming out of their mouths. They spend half of the firefights admiring the pretty dirt on the floor, and the other half spouting stupid dialogue that almost made me admire the Resident Evil 4 cutscene talking between Leon and Salazar. Particular favourite sayings from the Americans include: "You're going home in a coffin, prick!" and "I got one! I got one!" But the worst of all would have to be in the tutorial section with the southerner continually shouting "You're supposed throw the grenade, not the pin!" in the same monotone over and over again until you throw the grenade right. Since I bought it on the Wii last year it takes a while to get used to so I heard him say it at least 20 times. My brain was leaking by the time I blew the barn up successfully.

My favourite part of the game would have to be the British SAS levels. Unfortunately there aren't nearly enough and it's obvious the writers couldn't be arsed thinking out of any storyline for the British characters apart from: guy gets captured, other guy wants to go, French guy doesn't, all hate each other. But the story in WW2 games is always something like that. It has to be historically accurate, so there are never any surprising plots eg. Hitler finds magic plutonium that gives the power to molest Churchill from a thousand mils away. The stories are always based on something that happened in the Second World War, which isn't a bad thing, it's just that people know what happens at the end.

Anyway back to the British. I am British myself as you probably already know, and I loath Americans with every sense of the word. Call of Duty 3 doesn't go like Medal of Honour (yes it's spelled with a u), thank god, but it gets close. In Medal of Honour it shows the Americans as all ruggedly handsome, courageous heroes, and all have voices sounding like the engine of an Audi TT. The soundtrack in MoH is ludicrously bad, just contstant trumpet wails, so herioc and in tribute to the soldiers it made me want to puke. No British soldiers are featured. Zilch. It was all the Americans at D-Day according to MoH, even though we took just as many beaches as them.

The British in Call of Duty 3 are at least in the bloody game. They may take a backseat and be shoved into unconvincing scenarios, but they're there. They even have traditional British wit and humour, that made me generally laugh at one point: "Hey Gerrie! Fancy a pineapple?" (Chucks a grenade).

What makes me laugh about Treyarch's game developing, is that to write their story they just watch films like Saving Private Ryan, A Bridge to Far, etc etc. Maybe if they read a book about it, or asked war veterans who were actually there the story would have been great and convincing, just like Band of Brothers. Anyway I won't say too much about Treyarch now, because "John Smith" is doing a rant on them.

My final point about Call of Duty 3 is the historical innaccuracy. Now I've been told there are a number of mistakes throughout the game, but I don't know enough about the Paris liberation to notice. I saw two. The first made me think "Medal of Honour! Medal of Honour!", because it said that the Battle of Saint-Lo was the bloodiest battle of the war. So I guess the Battle of Stalingrad never happened then. While the battle of Saint-Lo deaths were in the thousands, the Battle of Stalingrad reached millions. The second innaccuracy occured throughout the game. The narrator guy who just happened to be American said things like "The battles in the Falaise Gap, saw some of the most brutal fighting of the last Great War." Again, the Eastern Front didn't exist did it?

I'm not going to say anything about the multiplayer in this review, because that will be covered in an episode of Both Extremes.

Verdict:

An OK game, Treyarch could do to brush up on their history a bit. The graphics were decent, the characters needed to be killed off and replaced with likeable ones, and remove the melee scenes.

My final score: 5/10

Monday, 9 August 2010

New Machinima

So I said I would never make another machinima, well in truth I got bored of making Both Extremes the other week and I had decided to make a new machinima (see video description for reason). Anyway here it is.

Also I have two more machinimas in the works with my good friend John Smith. One of them is a action-based video, partly based on an episode of this machinima series I had written. The other is a comedy and I all I will say about it for the time being is if you not American, you'll love it. Probably.

Thanks,

Dan.

Friday, 23 July 2010

Dizzee Bloody Rascal and Modern Music

14 years on God's green earth has left me gnarled and cynical. God I wish I was a sociopath. Everything in the world would be funny then: Raoul Moat shooting himself, the death of Michael Jackson, launching of the iPhone 4. But alas, I was born a normal human with normal human empathy (unlike John Smith, who is a sociopath). Fortunately, over the years of my life, I have grown to hate almost everything I see, touch, hear, taste or play. That is why I have hated the music of 2010.

I thought I could see no worse in 2009 when "Dizzee Rascal" shouted his way onto the scene. His rapping sounded like 50 Cent with a bad throat crossed with four dying cats in a burlap sack. He ran onto the stage wearing a Mr T reject outfit, then started rapping about "backbones" and "room for imrpovement". God when I was 9 years old, in 2005, everything was wonderful. There was good music in the charts, and I was in Primary School, a land where cynism didn't exist.

Anyway 2010 entered in style when the X Factor winner (I don't even remember his name, he's disappeared that fast) DIDN'T get the Christmas number 1. In January all was pretty much well and good. I think a Lady Gaga song was released and Cheryl Cole was enjoying her time without malaria. But all good things must come to an end and sure enough Dizzee Rascal was back, after a brilliant performance telling people he's bonkers. He then teamed up with Florence and the Machine, a group that had never really sticken me as the type who would lower themselves to the dizzyingly bad songs by the Rascal.

A new song was then released called "You Got the Dirtee Love", in which Dizzee tries and fails to rap suitable verses instead of the actual song lyrics. He just comes across as a dumb shit in the strange yobbo accent when he raps. Unsurprisingly (and worryingly) it went straight to number 1 and people raved about it for months an I went through the same suffering as I did with DANCE WIV ME BRAP MY HOMIE CHA CHA.

A new crime against music is "California Gurls" by Katy Perry and Snoopy. This song is NOT cover of California Girls by the Beach Boys, but a cover version sung by Justin Bieber with Nick Griffin presenting his political views over the top would make for a better song.

That brings me to my final point. No, not Nick "I hate black people WAH WAH" Griffin, but the ball-less wonder Justin Bieber, who's claim to fame is being 16 years old and sounding like Alvin and the Chipmunks on helium. His songs sound so whiney and the videos are just disturbing. In Baby for example he stalks a frightened girl around a bowling alley before trying to rape her. Then again, being ball-less, he wouldn't be able to rape her. I get people (mainly girls and gay men) saying: "OMG JUSTIN BIEBER IS SUCH A FITTEH!" When his hair makes him look like the Beatles mop tops crossed with road kill.

Well that's it for Modern Music, I hope you found it funny, unless your a chav who by now would have called his drug dealer to "put a cap in my head".

Thanks,

Dan.

Battle of Britain tribute Video

Today I posted my own personal tibute to the pilots who fought in the Battle of Britain, so I hope you check that out. It can be found here

One more thing, I did film an episode of Both Extremes over the world cup, then realised it was even worse that Nick Griffin in a black neighbourhood. So I'm doing it again.

Thanks,

Dan.

Friday, 11 June 2010

Both Extremes Continues...

Hey Guys,

Unfortunately the 3 of us making Both Extremes just wouldn't work out, so I decided to do it on my own. One reason was that we didn't have enough time together, but I don't care to reveal the main one.

Production on Both Extremes will start this weekend, even though I'm trying to watch the world cup. On the lighter side today, "John Smith" finally revealed his blog to me so I am going to put a link at the side. I know it insults me at the end but that was because I wasn't going to use his rants for a while but then thought better of it and he was nice (WOW THATS A FIRST) enough to let me use them again. Thanks "John"!

Yeah so this blog will be subject to more updates, and please don't forget to subscribe to Morgan or IFunkyFlump and Zack or rotflolzrjh even though we dont work together anymore.

Thanks a lot guys, don't forget to check out Both Extremes,

Dan.

Monday, 10 May 2010

Video: Introduction!

Sup,

I've just put up an introduction video for Both Extremes and other stuff, please check it out here.

Thanks and have a pleasant today and tomorrow!

Dan AKA Slayer Dan 101

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Us... that's it.

Sup,

Check out our Youtube channels, Zack puts out some cool videos and Morgan favourites things and subcribes to people, and shit like that. And I have done a couple of machinimas on my channel. I've also got a blog. Check us out at these links:

Morgan's Channel is here.
Zack's Channel is here.
My Channel is here.
My blog is here.

I think some of my stuff is pretty bad so I stopped making them. If by some miracle people start watching them, I'll make more.

Thankks guys, =3

Dan

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Welcome to the site!

Hello friends,

Thank you for visiting this blog, and official website for Rofling Officerz Productions, we are a bunch of idiot 'kids' who were bored one day and decided to start making videos on youtube :). The site is currently inactive, but will become active again once we start making videos, which should be very soon. So we're sorry if you visited this site hoping to see some interesting shit, no I'm just kidding its your own fault your so damn nosy!

JK, but thanks anyway!