14 years on God's green earth has left me gnarled and cynical. God I wish I was a sociopath. Everything in the world would be funny then: Raoul Moat shooting himself, the death of Michael Jackson, launching of the iPhone 4. But alas, I was born a normal human with normal human empathy (unlike John Smith, who is a sociopath). Fortunately, over the years of my life, I have grown to hate almost everything I see, touch, hear, taste or play. That is why I have hated the music of 2010.
I thought I could see no worse in 2009 when "Dizzee Rascal" shouted his way onto the scene. His rapping sounded like 50 Cent with a bad throat crossed with four dying cats in a burlap sack. He ran onto the stage wearing a Mr T reject outfit, then started rapping about "backbones" and "room for imrpovement". God when I was 9 years old, in 2005, everything was wonderful. There was good music in the charts, and I was in Primary School, a land where cynism didn't exist.
Anyway 2010 entered in style when the X Factor winner (I don't even remember his name, he's disappeared that fast) DIDN'T get the Christmas number 1. In January all was pretty much well and good. I think a Lady Gaga song was released and Cheryl Cole was enjoying her time without malaria. But all good things must come to an end and sure enough Dizzee Rascal was back, after a brilliant performance telling people he's bonkers. He then teamed up with Florence and the Machine, a group that had never really sticken me as the type who would lower themselves to the dizzyingly bad songs by the Rascal.
A new song was then released called "You Got the Dirtee Love", in which Dizzee tries and fails to rap suitable verses instead of the actual song lyrics. He just comes across as a dumb shit in the strange yobbo accent when he raps. Unsurprisingly (and worryingly) it went straight to number 1 and people raved about it for months an I went through the same suffering as I did with DANCE WIV ME BRAP MY HOMIE CHA CHA.
A new crime against music is "California Gurls" by Katy Perry and Snoopy. This song is NOT cover of California Girls by the Beach Boys, but a cover version sung by Justin Bieber with Nick Griffin presenting his political views over the top would make for a better song.
That brings me to my final point. No, not Nick "I hate black people WAH WAH" Griffin, but the ball-less wonder Justin Bieber, who's claim to fame is being 16 years old and sounding like Alvin and the Chipmunks on helium. His songs sound so whiney and the videos are just disturbing. In Baby for example he stalks a frightened girl around a bowling alley before trying to rape her. Then again, being ball-less, he wouldn't be able to rape her. I get people (mainly girls and gay men) saying: "OMG JUSTIN BIEBER IS SUCH A FITTEH!" When his hair makes him look like the Beatles mop tops crossed with road kill.
Well that's it for Modern Music, I hope you found it funny, unless your a chav who by now would have called his drug dealer to "put a cap in my head".