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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Saturday, 28 August 2010

Review: Call of Duty 3

'S up,

Since Both Extremes is taking its sweet time to come out, the bastard, I've decided to do something I like. Ranting about crappy games to no one in particular.

Now calling Call of Duty (lol Calling and Call rofl God I'm a tit) a game is like calling Steve Jobs Bill Gates. Sure they both have nearly the same jobs but one keeps trying to get one over the other by adding horrible things like the iPad or the iPhone huge Edition as I like calling it. Enough of the analogy, what I mean is, Call of Duty 3 thinks it has to go that extra bit further than Call of Duty 2 by adding new features.

And by new features, I mean the suicide inducing "melee scenes". They tried to mix things up by having these little parts where you mashed different buttons to wrestle off a Nazi attacker (basically a quick time event, one of those things that comes just above the IRA in my things to destroy list). There are about five in total, and don't make the slightest bit of sense. First of all, if a Nazi was at a doorway, why the hell would he try to wrestle with his ambush victim when he has a loaded rifle in his hands.

Plus its a stupid idea really since the Nazi wouldn't know if your squad was with you, so they could just pick him off, you know if they weren't condom-on-tongue retarded. The main problem with these WWE scenes is that it feels so much like a film that once a put down my Xbox controller and starting try to pause it with my DVD remote, so I could escape the nightmare of a game. I also noticed it borrowed heavily from Saving Private Ryan, it even had the pussy guy who's too scared to save his friend so he hides in the corner. Except he was an entire squad of retards.

I've mentioned your retarded squad and I will again. RETARDS! It's ridiculous its like one of the training regimes included bouncing the soldiers on their heads until froth started coming out of their mouths. They spend half of the firefights admiring the pretty dirt on the floor, and the other half spouting stupid dialogue that almost made me admire the Resident Evil 4 cutscene talking between Leon and Salazar. Particular favourite sayings from the Americans include: "You're going home in a coffin, prick!" and "I got one! I got one!" But the worst of all would have to be in the tutorial section with the southerner continually shouting "You're supposed throw the grenade, not the pin!" in the same monotone over and over again until you throw the grenade right. Since I bought it on the Wii last year it takes a while to get used to so I heard him say it at least 20 times. My brain was leaking by the time I blew the barn up successfully.

My favourite part of the game would have to be the British SAS levels. Unfortunately there aren't nearly enough and it's obvious the writers couldn't be arsed thinking out of any storyline for the British characters apart from: guy gets captured, other guy wants to go, French guy doesn't, all hate each other. But the story in WW2 games is always something like that. It has to be historically accurate, so there are never any surprising plots eg. Hitler finds magic plutonium that gives the power to molest Churchill from a thousand mils away. The stories are always based on something that happened in the Second World War, which isn't a bad thing, it's just that people know what happens at the end.

Anyway back to the British. I am British myself as you probably already know, and I loath Americans with every sense of the word. Call of Duty 3 doesn't go like Medal of Honour (yes it's spelled with a u), thank god, but it gets close. In Medal of Honour it shows the Americans as all ruggedly handsome, courageous heroes, and all have voices sounding like the engine of an Audi TT. The soundtrack in MoH is ludicrously bad, just contstant trumpet wails, so herioc and in tribute to the soldiers it made me want to puke. No British soldiers are featured. Zilch. It was all the Americans at D-Day according to MoH, even though we took just as many beaches as them.

The British in Call of Duty 3 are at least in the bloody game. They may take a backseat and be shoved into unconvincing scenarios, but they're there. They even have traditional British wit and humour, that made me generally laugh at one point: "Hey Gerrie! Fancy a pineapple?" (Chucks a grenade).

What makes me laugh about Treyarch's game developing, is that to write their story they just watch films like Saving Private Ryan, A Bridge to Far, etc etc. Maybe if they read a book about it, or asked war veterans who were actually there the story would have been great and convincing, just like Band of Brothers. Anyway I won't say too much about Treyarch now, because "John Smith" is doing a rant on them.

My final point about Call of Duty 3 is the historical innaccuracy. Now I've been told there are a number of mistakes throughout the game, but I don't know enough about the Paris liberation to notice. I saw two. The first made me think "Medal of Honour! Medal of Honour!", because it said that the Battle of Saint-Lo was the bloodiest battle of the war. So I guess the Battle of Stalingrad never happened then. While the battle of Saint-Lo deaths were in the thousands, the Battle of Stalingrad reached millions. The second innaccuracy occured throughout the game. The narrator guy who just happened to be American said things like "The battles in the Falaise Gap, saw some of the most brutal fighting of the last Great War." Again, the Eastern Front didn't exist did it?

I'm not going to say anything about the multiplayer in this review, because that will be covered in an episode of Both Extremes.

Verdict:

An OK game, Treyarch could do to brush up on their history a bit. The graphics were decent, the characters needed to be killed off and replaced with likeable ones, and remove the melee scenes.

My final score: 5/10

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