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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Thursday, 23 September 2010

Me on Portal

Portal has got to be the best game of all time. Action-packed, innovative and absolutely perfect, this game... wait a second.

Am I playing the same fucking game here? Portal is nothing special. Sure it's innovative, a lot of games are. But this game is NOT the best game of all time, and it never will be.

The basic story of Portal is that you are a random person in a random laboratory and you have to pass random tests to get absolutely nothing. Oh no I'm sorry, you do it to get a piece of fucking cake. How motivating. And if you think my use of the word random is a critcism, then you're wrong. I like how random it is. It leaves you guessing what is going to happen, if every detail was explained the experience wouldn't be the same. It would be even worse.

The gameplay elements are a sprinkling of a lot of genres. There's the obvious puzzle game involvment, some certain parts remind me of an action game, and others a First Person Shooter. There's also some "hilarious" black comedy in the game, all of which are funny enough to turn the happiest man on earth into a cynic.

The best game of all time cannot be completed in half an hour. I hear game critics saying "I got about 2-3 hours out of this game". Bullshit. The most a normal gamer can get out of this game is an hour and that's if they stopped to have a wank in the middle.

Sure the game is fun. For about 3 test chambers. Near the end. The game treats you like a retarded, blind, deaf and dumb alien from the USA. The first 8 test chambers are a piece of piss, it's basically shoot portal here, walk through, you win. It's only on the 9th chamber that the difficulty is raised to a challenging experience for a brain-damaged four year old.

By the end the puzzles are so hard I had to really think about them. It was only for a second, but I still had to think damn it! The only part I really enjoyed was the boss fight with GLaDoS. Glados (I'm just saying it like that now fuck it) is an AI in the random laboratory you are in, and she is supposed to be funny. I found the Lockerbie bomber's release funnier than her.

I'll finish by saying that Portal is the most overrated thing since House MD. It does NOT deserve all the critical acclaim it's getting, it deserves to be what it truly is: A little side game with The Orange Box that no one can remember the name of but they thought it was mildly amusing.

It's OK, but it doesn't astound me like it does EVERYONE else.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Important Post: About Me

My name is Daniel Barker, but have a few aliases that I'm known by: My Xbox Live name is Slayer Dan 101, my name on Youtube is Slayerd101, other names include Fatass, Fat shit, Lard arse, Jabba the Chub and my last alias is the Rofling Officer.

I used to make Halo machinima, which is basically making little cinematic movies with characters in the video game Halo 3. Let me just say that video game hating twats are not welcome on this blog, and if you do hate video games then instead of commenting on this saying how sad I am and how video games are the "symbolisation of the decay of modern society", please superglue your nipples to the piston of a speeding train.

I grew bored with making machinima, so decided to make a live action satirical series on YouTube, called Both Extremes. After nearly 15 years on this horrible planet, surrounded by bullshit religions and a horseshit school, I have been left a cynical huske. Deprived of all happiness until I see something shit to review, coming up with analogies and sarcastic comments to put my above average intelligence to use.

So far Both Extremes remains in production after a solid 4 or 5 months of sitting around on my arse. But rest assured that it is going to be uploaded soon.

Well that's about what your going to find in my "work". On this blog you will mainly find reviews of games, rants about pop culture, and updates on Both Extremes. Thank you very much, please subscribe on YouTube.

Dan.

Monday, 20 September 2010

The Glorified Dicks at Nintendo

I hate Nintendo almost as much as I hate Apple. Apple spends half of its time trying to make Microsoft look bad (they have a strange method that involves releasing shitter products than Microsoft), and the other half selling the same shiny oblong over and over again to all the brain damaged retards stupid enough to fall for them. Which is why it isn't surprising that they are one of the richest companies out there.

Nintendo meanwhile, are a game developing company. This difference aside, they function almost the same as Apple. Except they have no other companies to compete with on their scale. They're huge. And the reason they are so rich and powerful is...

Nostalgia.

A world without nostalgia would mean a world without Nintendo. The original Super Mario Bros. is a prime example of Nintendo milking the nostalgia. Except they milk it so hard nostalgia has to run into the bathroom to tape its udders back on a daily basis. Everyone thinks Super Mario Bros. is great because it was the best looking game out then and Mario was a character people were able to explore. Over 20 years later the Super Mario series is still going on.

People may say "that's because its a great series with so many new ideas". Bullshit. Saying Mario games are original is like saying Justin Bieber sounds like Barry White. You play one Mario game you've played them all. There are no changes to the story, just changes to the graphics and settings. As I say many times, the state of the graphics do not make a good game. Take Resident Evil 5. Some of the most breathtaking graphics I've ever seen are in that game, but that doesn't stop it being a pile of shite. No one would want to play a game where you just continually throw paper aeroplanes all day would they, so why would people think it better if you can make out a little speck of dust on the paper?

As the Mario series progressed, new characters were introduced, and the settings went from grassland to cave to more grassland to the sun to a 3D realm and then to space in Super Mario Galaxy. The plot remains the same: "Princess Generic is captured by lizard crocodile, Italian plumber saves Princess, lizard thing dies, Plumber and Princess have cake. That isn't a joke to those who don't know what Mario is.

This plot raises a few questions. Have the people in the mushroom kingdom always been this retarded, or did they all have an accident? How can the same lizard thing kidnap the same princess over and over again and keep getting away with it? Have they not locked Bowser up or just killed him? Oh yeah he dies everytime Mario confronts him so what the hell is that? Is he an immortal lizard?

It boggles the mind. What astounds me the most about Mario is that despite being exactly the same right down to the dialogue (there isn't any) in each game, its just as successful now as it was 25 years ago. Perhaps more so. If another studio tried this they would flop immediately. Imagine the Call of Duty series if all the games were exactly the same each time just with better graphics and a different setting. Oh wait...

Mario isn't the only Nintendo series powered by nostalgia, there's Metroid, Zelda (which also suffers from having the same fucking plot over and over again), Donkey Kong... I could go on.

But I don't want to. Nintendo are the longest running competirors in the console wars, but they also happen to be the shittest. I've thought up a few slogans for Nintendo: "We're the best game developers ever. Why you ask? Our games from 20 years ago are good." and "We can't stop making original games... because we never started." and who could forget "Fuck those guys, we did it first!"

Sooner or later Nintendo will run out of different settings for Mario. After space, where can you go next? An alternate dimension? No matter what I say about Mario I can't deny I didn't enjoy the first games he was in, so it makes me strangely sad to see him going down the same route as Sonic (a sort of spiky hedgehog that runs around collecting rings, cor how exciting). Sonic games nowadays make me think "how long until Mario goes like this?".

But that's enough waffling from me for one day. Go ahead and enjoy you life for what it is, a pile of crap, shitty enough to rival Nintendo without enough stink left over to challenge Apple too.