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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Monday, 20 September 2010

The Glorified Dicks at Nintendo

I hate Nintendo almost as much as I hate Apple. Apple spends half of its time trying to make Microsoft look bad (they have a strange method that involves releasing shitter products than Microsoft), and the other half selling the same shiny oblong over and over again to all the brain damaged retards stupid enough to fall for them. Which is why it isn't surprising that they are one of the richest companies out there.

Nintendo meanwhile, are a game developing company. This difference aside, they function almost the same as Apple. Except they have no other companies to compete with on their scale. They're huge. And the reason they are so rich and powerful is...

Nostalgia.

A world without nostalgia would mean a world without Nintendo. The original Super Mario Bros. is a prime example of Nintendo milking the nostalgia. Except they milk it so hard nostalgia has to run into the bathroom to tape its udders back on a daily basis. Everyone thinks Super Mario Bros. is great because it was the best looking game out then and Mario was a character people were able to explore. Over 20 years later the Super Mario series is still going on.

People may say "that's because its a great series with so many new ideas". Bullshit. Saying Mario games are original is like saying Justin Bieber sounds like Barry White. You play one Mario game you've played them all. There are no changes to the story, just changes to the graphics and settings. As I say many times, the state of the graphics do not make a good game. Take Resident Evil 5. Some of the most breathtaking graphics I've ever seen are in that game, but that doesn't stop it being a pile of shite. No one would want to play a game where you just continually throw paper aeroplanes all day would they, so why would people think it better if you can make out a little speck of dust on the paper?

As the Mario series progressed, new characters were introduced, and the settings went from grassland to cave to more grassland to the sun to a 3D realm and then to space in Super Mario Galaxy. The plot remains the same: "Princess Generic is captured by lizard crocodile, Italian plumber saves Princess, lizard thing dies, Plumber and Princess have cake. That isn't a joke to those who don't know what Mario is.

This plot raises a few questions. Have the people in the mushroom kingdom always been this retarded, or did they all have an accident? How can the same lizard thing kidnap the same princess over and over again and keep getting away with it? Have they not locked Bowser up or just killed him? Oh yeah he dies everytime Mario confronts him so what the hell is that? Is he an immortal lizard?

It boggles the mind. What astounds me the most about Mario is that despite being exactly the same right down to the dialogue (there isn't any) in each game, its just as successful now as it was 25 years ago. Perhaps more so. If another studio tried this they would flop immediately. Imagine the Call of Duty series if all the games were exactly the same each time just with better graphics and a different setting. Oh wait...

Mario isn't the only Nintendo series powered by nostalgia, there's Metroid, Zelda (which also suffers from having the same fucking plot over and over again), Donkey Kong... I could go on.

But I don't want to. Nintendo are the longest running competirors in the console wars, but they also happen to be the shittest. I've thought up a few slogans for Nintendo: "We're the best game developers ever. Why you ask? Our games from 20 years ago are good." and "We can't stop making original games... because we never started." and who could forget "Fuck those guys, we did it first!"

Sooner or later Nintendo will run out of different settings for Mario. After space, where can you go next? An alternate dimension? No matter what I say about Mario I can't deny I didn't enjoy the first games he was in, so it makes me strangely sad to see him going down the same route as Sonic (a sort of spiky hedgehog that runs around collecting rings, cor how exciting). Sonic games nowadays make me think "how long until Mario goes like this?".

But that's enough waffling from me for one day. Go ahead and enjoy you life for what it is, a pile of crap, shitty enough to rival Nintendo without enough stink left over to challenge Apple too.

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