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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Thursday, 23 September 2010

Me on Portal

Portal has got to be the best game of all time. Action-packed, innovative and absolutely perfect, this game... wait a second.

Am I playing the same fucking game here? Portal is nothing special. Sure it's innovative, a lot of games are. But this game is NOT the best game of all time, and it never will be.

The basic story of Portal is that you are a random person in a random laboratory and you have to pass random tests to get absolutely nothing. Oh no I'm sorry, you do it to get a piece of fucking cake. How motivating. And if you think my use of the word random is a critcism, then you're wrong. I like how random it is. It leaves you guessing what is going to happen, if every detail was explained the experience wouldn't be the same. It would be even worse.

The gameplay elements are a sprinkling of a lot of genres. There's the obvious puzzle game involvment, some certain parts remind me of an action game, and others a First Person Shooter. There's also some "hilarious" black comedy in the game, all of which are funny enough to turn the happiest man on earth into a cynic.

The best game of all time cannot be completed in half an hour. I hear game critics saying "I got about 2-3 hours out of this game". Bullshit. The most a normal gamer can get out of this game is an hour and that's if they stopped to have a wank in the middle.

Sure the game is fun. For about 3 test chambers. Near the end. The game treats you like a retarded, blind, deaf and dumb alien from the USA. The first 8 test chambers are a piece of piss, it's basically shoot portal here, walk through, you win. It's only on the 9th chamber that the difficulty is raised to a challenging experience for a brain-damaged four year old.

By the end the puzzles are so hard I had to really think about them. It was only for a second, but I still had to think damn it! The only part I really enjoyed was the boss fight with GLaDoS. Glados (I'm just saying it like that now fuck it) is an AI in the random laboratory you are in, and she is supposed to be funny. I found the Lockerbie bomber's release funnier than her.

I'll finish by saying that Portal is the most overrated thing since House MD. It does NOT deserve all the critical acclaim it's getting, it deserves to be what it truly is: A little side game with The Orange Box that no one can remember the name of but they thought it was mildly amusing.

It's OK, but it doesn't astound me like it does EVERYONE else.

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