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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Saturday, 30 October 2010

Top 5 Game Developers of All Time

OK, to start off this list will NOT include any god-awful game developers that everyone loves because of nostalgia, it will contain GOOD game developers. The criteria of this list is not only making great games, but also what the game developers are LIKE, by which I mean there will be no sell-outs on this list.

#5: Infinity Ward

OK, relatively easy start, Infinity Ward made all the GOOD Call of Duty games (CoD 4, 2 and 1). They aren't higher on this list because of how painfully bad Modern Warfare 2 is. Imagine Infinity Ward's CoD games as a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. It starts off lovely and delicious then when you get near the bottom of the bowl you realise it's not chocolate at all, but dog shit. However Infinity Ward take their customers as retards, who only want bigger guns and more shooty bits, so they are actively spoon feeding the begging players there bowl of dog shit.

#4: Bungie

If you're now thinking "who are Bungie, again?" and scratching your head in thought, then the word "Halo" will immediately jog your memory. Some call Bungie the greatest game developers of all time, while some call them a one trick pony. While this is partly true, Oni was a great game too, also developed by Bungie. The reasons they are number 4 on this list is 1) They made my favourite gaming series of all time and 2) I love how involved they are in their fanbase. While some developers just ignore their fans like freaky ex-girlfriends, Bungie listen to them. They have games with them and they watch and play what their fans have done in Halo. However the Halo games and Bungie aren't perfect. Bungie spend so much time thinking of great stuff to put in the multiplayer that the Campaign always feels very rushed. The problem with Bungie is that most people start to think they have developed a case of Infinity ward syndrome, doing the exact same thing over again like a man stuck in a time warp, if they were real, which there not. Halo incredibly has remained the same since 2001, fucking hell even Apple managed to change something in 9 years. It was only Steve Jobs' weight but at least Apple changed!

#3: Blizzard

Ah, Blizzard. I've wasted days of my life because of these brilliant bastards. The Warcraft series always appealed to RTS guy in me, but their number 3 slot was secured with the phenomenem that is World of Warcraft. Unfortunately almost everyone in the world thinks World of Warcraft is nerdier than a Warhammer 40k collector at a Star Wars convention with tickets to the Star Trek invention after it. This is almost as stupid as the PlayStation Move (zing). First of all, people who play World of Warcraft so excessively that they don't go out at all and wear adult nappies while they play are not nerds... they're freaks. Blizzard has been controversial game developers because of a Korean couple leaving their child at home who died because they were playing World of Warcraft, but seriously what the fuck, I doubt that has anything to do with the game and more about them being worse parents than gary Glitter and Ian Huntley. And anyway, if they had a home computer that would never have happened. Which leads to mine and Johns campaign, free computers for everybody, which we just made up, because we are dicks.

#2 Rockstar

If you though Blizzard were controversial, then you haven't seen anything yet. Despite having developed excellent games such as Grand Theft Auto and Red Dead Redemption, nearly all of their games having caused angry and often hilarious news reports about them. To see what I'm talking about, watch Glenn Beck's news report on GTA IV. It is so funny to see how naive it is. Here's Part 1 and Part 2. Beck rants about it like it's worse than a new Hitler-Stalin hybrid that plants Nazi brains into Al-Qaeda heads with an IRA ice cream scoop. Manhunt 2 was banned in the UK, which fucking astounded me. I knew that the Australian Censor guys banned a game if it included women with breasts, or it showed that humans have blood. But in the UK we're a bit more lenient. Well, the Defence Secretary did have a go at Medal of Honour because of the Taliban in the Multiplayer. You'd think that he'd have bigger things to worry about, like you know winning the war. Only problem with Rockstar is that they fucked up the pc more than a person fucking something up to fuck it up. they left the PC which made it famous and went to console, giving computer gamers an unplayable game where the floor disappears half way through and you get sent back in time to the Battle of Hastings.

AND FINALLY, THE GREATEST GAME DEVELOPER OF ALL TIME:

#1 Nintendo

It's obvious that Nintendo deserve this number 1 spot. They are excellent game developers, who give us excellent game series that don't drag out at all. What Nintendo definitely DON'T do, is stretch on their game series on and on like a prostitute attempting to make double. And they DON'T just use nostalgia as a way to sell their games. They're plain awesome.

Hahahahahahahaha, but seriously.

AND FINALLY, THE REAL GREATEST GAME DEVELOPER OF ALL TIME:

#1 Valve

This may come as a bit of a shock for a lot of gamers, but come on. The Half-Life series is better than a wireless blow-job dispenser. As is Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead, Counter-Strike, the list goes on. While they do have a few mediocre games under their belt, like Portal. But even that isn't much of a criticism because Portal wasn't meant to be a big game like Half-Life, it was just a side-game that took off like a thing that took off in a big taking off factory. Ol' "Johnny Smith" agrees with my number 1 but he hates Left for Dead because Valve made that instead of Half-Life 2 Episode 3, however that may be because if they eventually did its awesomness would blow up the earth and send body parts and shit flying off into space for a cannibalising, faeces loving alien to eat. And for dessert he'd eat cake. For all this Valve get my The Best Gaming Developers Of All Time Badge... Sponsored by EA (sorry guys but your corruption diamonds wernt enough for me, what do you mean you'll send mobsters around to my house?)

Overall to NOT choose Valve as the best game developer of all time would be like saying Hitler really got on with the Jewish population, or Nick Griffin was a very tolerant man, or that Americans aren't arrogant, fat and stupid. Your wrong and it what your saying doesn't make sense to American readers/listeners, you know 'cause they're stupid.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Joint Review: X Factor Series 7

Today we have a special treat for all you cynics reading this out there (no-one). I say "we" because I am going to do a collaborated review of the X Factor this year with "John Smith". This review will also be on his blog, found here. Enjoy.

Dan: The X Factor draws millions of viewers with each series, it would be like if the Queen's Christmas message featured Her Majesty shouting along to rap music and break dancing with Barack Obama (with David Cameron DJing in the back). Everyone would tune in to watch that, just like everyone tunes in to watch the X Factor. Even though the X Factor is just as hilariously stupid as the above mentioned analogy, no one seems to realise it. They all seem to think it's a reality TV show to find the next big thing in music, when all it is is a sitcom to discover who can come up with the biggest sobstory.

John: The sob stories get worse every year, and I'm pretty sure most of them make them up. In fact I might go on and say "My grandma died before I was born and my grandfather and father both got killed in Zimbabwe. My Mum commited suicide and my sister had been shot by Mugabe for being a political prisoner.". Then again only the good people get the stories. A lot easier to make fun of people without saying "hahaha your mum's dead!". Thats like adding insult to injury in the same way you could give a BNP member a black eye. They might aswell as say, fuck the music, if you're dad's dead you will be a star. To be honest I'm surprised thousands of teenagers haven't gone out to kill their fathers.

Dan: This year's series has become the most controversial series ever, partly because Dermot O'Leary can't say "controversy" right and partly because of this whole "Gamu Nhengu" storyline. After I saw the Judge's Houses episode and Gamu was sent home I immediately predicted what one of the paper's would say the next day: "CHERYL COLE IS RACIST BECAUSE GAMU DIDN'T GET THROUGH!" Sure enough I went on the Daily Mail and there it was. Even though a) She put another black person through, b) Will.I.Am helped pick her final 3, who is also black, c) She was married to Ashley Cole and d) GAMU IS INCREDIBLY OVERRATED. I keep feeling like Gamu is one of those sitcom or film characters whose one short stint on that TV Show or movie destroyed her whole life. That's certainly what the X Factor did for her. After she was deservedly sent away by Cheryl Cole her visa status was thrown into question and now her residensy in the UK hangs by a thread. Sorry make that a few thousand threads stitched together because now she's got the whole might of Simon Cowell's wealth behind her.

John: Many people want her to stay in this country for 1) She is supposedly a political prisoner and the X Factor is classed as politics now. and 2) Nobody gives a shit about that as the only reason they say she should stay is becos she can sing a little. Nobody cares about the money her family are milking out of the country more than a chronic masturbator ejaculates. I went onto the Daily Mail as this is one of the few things I can agree with them on, but even there their are thousand of comments supporting her. They are all voted down but thats not the point. This whole story makes The X Factor seem like the new Immigration test and has proably sent a messege to oppressed North Koreans.... If they could watch TV or get on the internet. Anyway Nevermind at least she can compete on the Zimbabwean singing contest, she could win her life and a bowl of rice supposed to last the year. It really dosn't bother me at least then she isn't ruining the economy more than Gordon Brown while deppressed.

Dan: My final word on the Gamu controversy is that the idiots saying that it's "tight" on Gamu for deporting her ARE FUCKING RETARDS! No it is not tight, that's like saying paedophiles shouldn't be sent to jail because it's not very nice to them. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO THEM, THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG SO THEY NEED TO PAY THEIR DEBT TO SOCIETY, just like paedophiles feel children and Gamu's mother illegally claimed benefits and her visa was refused. As far as I'm concerned it's bye-bye back to Zimbabwe for Gamu. Moving on from Gamu, this year in a bigger effort to steal more money from the idiotic drones in the population than Steve Jobs releasing the iGun to shoot you in your iHead because your iPhone 4 has lost it's fucking reception again, I bet the X Factor winner will get the Christmas number 1. It didn't happen last time, which was fucking hilarious, but it's gonna get this year, I can feel it.

John: Songs from ex-stars clog up the charts more than constipation, bringing more joys to girls than a Justin Bieber nude photoshoot. They get so much money it makes Simon Cowell shove more up his own arse than a double jointed man experimenting. He pretends to hate the rubbish acts, but in fact sits at home, twiddling a fake moustache and lauging evilly "Chart domination is mine, young Cheryl!". They are even releasing the songs on iTunes, in a blatant copy of That's the music, or We are better than X Factor's music, whatever that thing on Sky 1 was called. It had 50 cent clone 101 on it. Anyway now onto the contestants.

Dan: The final 12 this year are probably the feeblest in the history of the show, with people like Aiden Grimshaw getting though. I kept yelling at my TV for him to OPEN HIS FUCKING EYES YOU COCKY BASTARD! What makes it so infuriating is that he's not even any fucking good so he has no reason to think he's brilliant. But he is no where near as bad as supposed superstar Cher Lloyd. Seconds after she finished her audition there were controversies brewing in the minds of the news, like some sort of cynical eyeball stew that thinks eyeball stew is horrible so it hates itself. I heard news stories about how she was too nervous to go on the live shows even though by putting a crowd on the auditions systematically made it the same as the live shows without the addition of blinding neon lights every five seconds, so why would she be more nervouse of the live shows? I read in a paper how she wouldn't be able to compete because her exams were coming up. All of this doesn't take away the fact that her act gets very old very fast and she isn't that good anyway. If she wins it will be a travesty. Who do you think should win? I hear the one reader ask. Wagner of course.

John: Katie Weasel I mean Waisell is one of the most complained about acts this year, mainly because some people take the X Factor as serious as the Afghan War. She is supposedly being bullied so has threatened to quit, because unlike basically the rest of the population, she was brought up as a mentally retarded princess who was never bullied before so she can't stand it now. Her costume on the first live show made her look like she was wearing a beetle on her head or she was a gay stormtrooper.
What pains me about this competition is that Wagner is the best contestant this year, and he looks like a stereotypical Paedophile. Well he was an ex PE teacher. He also sings worse than a man with a porcupine up his arse.
Aiden's face actually scared me, his faces made him seem so much like a psycopath I felt like turning off my TV and ringing a Mental Institution.
The first to get booted off was some Italian called Nicolo, who looked like a gay Bond villain who would randomly burst into song. Sure enough he nearly cried when he was booted off, you know like almost everyone else. They cry when they stay in, when they are voted out and when they have a poo.

Dan: To finish off I think this year's X Factor has been one of the worst series yet, it is bloody awful. If people like Aiden, Nicolo and Wagner can get to the live shows then even I can. That's it, the end. Well, I'll do another column when the X Factor finishes, but for now goodbye.

John: Yeah, now piss off.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Friedberg and Seltzer, same as always

Who would have thought that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who are to the film industry what radioactive fleas are to an itchy dog, would not only make their fifth movie, but it would be just as shit as their last 4. Seriously, Disaster Movie is probably one of the worst films of the 21st Century, bar none.

Monday, 4 October 2010

House MD: Season 7 Opener

House MD. I think the only thing more overrated than this TV show is Modern Warfare 2. This TV show has gotten rave reviews from critics all over the world, but I'm left thinking simply: "What the fuck is this shit? How is this so popular?" etc etc.

Almost every episode I've seen is just tedious and often boring. Boredom is a massive part of this show. The medical team are discussing what could be wrong with a guy (Blonde bitch thinks infection, Generic Black Guy thinks Lupus, while Annoying Australian Fuck agrees with House), meanwhile I'm led on my sofa, eyelids getting heavy...

Even the most "exciting" parts quickly become gratuitous and sleep-provoking. In every single episode the patient crashes. Seriously, every episode. It's like the sight of all the annoying fucks on House's team is enough for their heart to stop.

I watched House for a while. Mainly Season 4 and parts of 5 and 6. The rest I've only seen smippets of. I really liked Season 4. Back then I had only seen about 3 episodes of the show, thanks to John Smith's raving about it (it being his favourite show). I borrowed his DVD of Season 4 and watched all of it. It was great, I loved some of the storylines and the finale was fucking amazing.

It didn't last. Season 5 wasn't too bad, I liked the finale, not a patch on the Season 4 ending, but still good enough to get a smiley face from me... :). Season 6. The biggest piece of shit I've seen since the local cesspool exploded next to the blocked up sewers. That's a bit harsh, the season opener was alright. But from there it span out of control, going around and around like a paranoid helicopter. In one episode early in the season Annoying Australian Fuck kills an evil dictator. At the time I thought oh right, this sounds quite good, it had the potential to be a good and interesting storyline. The House writers don't seem to realise that it storyline isn't made good by how long it is. Fucking hell, the whole Lesbian Fatal Disease Woman and Generic Black Guy love story was dragged out for AN ENTIRE SEASON. WHO CARES!? It's the same thing with this. "I killed him." "OMG MURDERER!" 10 episodes later: "I killed the evil dictator a few months ago." "OMG MURDERER!", then cut to a shot of my on my sofa: "Ah fuck off."

That was the last episode of House I ever watched. When I heard about the new season of House I had no intention of watching it. What changed my mind was the hilariously bad story involving House and Cuddy falling in love. WHO WANTS TO WATCH HOUSE HAPPY AND LOVED UP?! What made House good for about one season was the fact that House was a grumpy old get with no bedside manner, so this "happy" thing will never work, never in a million years.

I watched the episode and I thought it was the best piece of entertainment on a screen since my favourite movie of all time; Meet the Spartans (That scene where all the spartans dance around for 15 minutes was fucking awesome). The episode had a love story in it that took up the entire episode, but there were some parts where the writers seemed to have a brief moment of self realisation and realised that what they're writing is bullshit worthy of a large bull with a bad diet, so the actors try to take the mick out of the storyline.

I don't want to write anymore, so I'll just give my opinion.

The season opener of House Season 7 was a pile of shit so high it makes the Burj Dubai look like a toothpick standing on it's end. Truly awful, the worst thing on TV since the premiere of the Middle last month.

0.5/10. I'm completely serious.