Today we have a special treat for all you cynics reading this out there (no-one). I say "we" because I am going to do a collaborated review of the X Factor this year with "John Smith". This review will also be on his blog, found here. Enjoy.
Dan: The X Factor draws millions of viewers with each series, it would be like if the Queen's Christmas message featured Her Majesty shouting along to rap music and break dancing with Barack Obama (with David Cameron DJing in the back). Everyone would tune in to watch that, just like everyone tunes in to watch the X Factor. Even though the X Factor is just as hilariously stupid as the above mentioned analogy, no one seems to realise it. They all seem to think it's a reality TV show to find the next big thing in music, when all it is is a sitcom to discover who can come up with the biggest sobstory.
John: The sob stories get worse every year, and I'm pretty sure most of them make them up. In fact I might go on and say "My grandma died before I was born and my grandfather and father both got killed in Zimbabwe. My Mum commited suicide and my sister had been shot by Mugabe for being a political prisoner.". Then again only the good people get the stories. A lot easier to make fun of people without saying "hahaha your mum's dead!". Thats like adding insult to injury in the same way you could give a BNP member a black eye. They might aswell as say, fuck the music, if you're dad's dead you will be a star. To be honest I'm surprised thousands of teenagers haven't gone out to kill their fathers.
Dan: This year's series has become the most controversial series ever, partly because Dermot O'Leary can't say "controversy" right and partly because of this whole "Gamu Nhengu" storyline. After I saw the Judge's Houses episode and Gamu was sent home I immediately predicted what one of the paper's would say the next day: "CHERYL COLE IS RACIST BECAUSE GAMU DIDN'T GET THROUGH!" Sure enough I went on the Daily Mail and there it was. Even though a) She put another black person through, b) Will.I.Am helped pick her final 3, who is also black, c) She was married to Ashley Cole and d) GAMU IS INCREDIBLY OVERRATED. I keep feeling like Gamu is one of those sitcom or film characters whose one short stint on that TV Show or movie destroyed her whole life. That's certainly what the X Factor did for her. After she was deservedly sent away by Cheryl Cole her visa status was thrown into question and now her residensy in the UK hangs by a thread. Sorry make that a few thousand threads stitched together because now she's got the whole might of Simon Cowell's wealth behind her.
John: Many people want her to stay in this country for 1) She is supposedly a political prisoner and the X Factor is classed as politics now. and 2) Nobody gives a shit about that as the only reason they say she should stay is becos she can sing a little. Nobody cares about the money her family are milking out of the country more than a chronic masturbator ejaculates. I went onto the Daily Mail as this is one of the few things I can agree with them on, but even there their are thousand of comments supporting her. They are all voted down but thats not the point. This whole story makes The X Factor seem like the new Immigration test and has proably sent a messege to oppressed North Koreans.... If they could watch TV or get on the internet. Anyway Nevermind at least she can compete on the Zimbabwean singing contest, she could win her life and a bowl of rice supposed to last the year. It really dosn't bother me at least then she isn't ruining the economy more than Gordon Brown while deppressed.
Dan: My final word on the Gamu controversy is that the idiots saying that it's "tight" on Gamu for deporting her ARE FUCKING RETARDS! No it is not tight, that's like saying paedophiles shouldn't be sent to jail because it's not very nice to them. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO THEM, THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG SO THEY NEED TO PAY THEIR DEBT TO SOCIETY, just like paedophiles feel children and Gamu's mother illegally claimed benefits and her visa was refused. As far as I'm concerned it's bye-bye back to Zimbabwe for Gamu. Moving on from Gamu, this year in a bigger effort to steal more money from the idiotic drones in the population than Steve Jobs releasing the iGun to shoot you in your iHead because your iPhone 4 has lost it's fucking reception again, I bet the X Factor winner will get the Christmas number 1. It didn't happen last time, which was fucking hilarious, but it's gonna get this year, I can feel it.
John: Songs from ex-stars clog up the charts more than constipation, bringing more joys to girls than a Justin Bieber nude photoshoot. They get so much money it makes Simon Cowell shove more up his own arse than a double jointed man experimenting. He pretends to hate the rubbish acts, but in fact sits at home, twiddling a fake moustache and lauging evilly "Chart domination is mine, young Cheryl!". They are even releasing the songs on iTunes, in a blatant copy of That's the music, or We are better than X Factor's music, whatever that thing on Sky 1 was called. It had 50 cent clone 101 on it. Anyway now onto the contestants.
Dan: The final 12 this year are probably the feeblest in the history of the show, with people like Aiden Grimshaw getting though. I kept yelling at my TV for him to OPEN HIS FUCKING EYES YOU COCKY BASTARD! What makes it so infuriating is that he's not even any fucking good so he has no reason to think he's brilliant. But he is no where near as bad as supposed superstar Cher Lloyd. Seconds after she finished her audition there were controversies brewing in the minds of the news, like some sort of cynical eyeball stew that thinks eyeball stew is horrible so it hates itself. I heard news stories about how she was too nervous to go on the live shows even though by putting a crowd on the auditions systematically made it the same as the live shows without the addition of blinding neon lights every five seconds, so why would she be more nervouse of the live shows? I read in a paper how she wouldn't be able to compete because her exams were coming up. All of this doesn't take away the fact that her act gets very old very fast and she isn't that good anyway. If she wins it will be a travesty. Who do you think should win? I hear the one reader ask. Wagner of course.
John: Katie Weasel I mean Waisell is one of the most complained about acts this year, mainly because some people take the X Factor as serious as the Afghan War. She is supposedly being bullied so has threatened to quit, because unlike basically the rest of the population, she was brought up as a mentally retarded princess who was never bullied before so she can't stand it now. Her costume on the first live show made her look like she was wearing a beetle on her head or she was a gay stormtrooper.
What pains me about this competition is that Wagner is the best contestant this year, and he looks like a stereotypical Paedophile. Well he was an ex PE teacher. He also sings worse than a man with a porcupine up his arse.
Aiden's face actually scared me, his faces made him seem so much like a psycopath I felt like turning off my TV and ringing a Mental Institution.
The first to get booted off was some Italian called Nicolo, who looked like a gay Bond villain who would randomly burst into song. Sure enough he nearly cried when he was booted off, you know like almost everyone else. They cry when they stay in, when they are voted out and when they have a poo.
Dan: To finish off I think this year's X Factor has been one of the worst series yet, it is bloody awful. If people like Aiden, Nicolo and Wagner can get to the live shows then even I can. That's it, the end. Well, I'll do another column when the X Factor finishes, but for now goodbye.
John: Yeah, now piss off.