WELCOME

Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

Logo

Logo

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Top 5 Game Developers of All Time

OK, to start off this list will NOT include any god-awful game developers that everyone loves because of nostalgia, it will contain GOOD game developers. The criteria of this list is not only making great games, but also what the game developers are LIKE, by which I mean there will be no sell-outs on this list.

#5: Infinity Ward

OK, relatively easy start, Infinity Ward made all the GOOD Call of Duty games (CoD 4, 2 and 1). They aren't higher on this list because of how painfully bad Modern Warfare 2 is. Imagine Infinity Ward's CoD games as a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. It starts off lovely and delicious then when you get near the bottom of the bowl you realise it's not chocolate at all, but dog shit. However Infinity Ward take their customers as retards, who only want bigger guns and more shooty bits, so they are actively spoon feeding the begging players there bowl of dog shit.

#4: Bungie

If you're now thinking "who are Bungie, again?" and scratching your head in thought, then the word "Halo" will immediately jog your memory. Some call Bungie the greatest game developers of all time, while some call them a one trick pony. While this is partly true, Oni was a great game too, also developed by Bungie. The reasons they are number 4 on this list is 1) They made my favourite gaming series of all time and 2) I love how involved they are in their fanbase. While some developers just ignore their fans like freaky ex-girlfriends, Bungie listen to them. They have games with them and they watch and play what their fans have done in Halo. However the Halo games and Bungie aren't perfect. Bungie spend so much time thinking of great stuff to put in the multiplayer that the Campaign always feels very rushed. The problem with Bungie is that most people start to think they have developed a case of Infinity ward syndrome, doing the exact same thing over again like a man stuck in a time warp, if they were real, which there not. Halo incredibly has remained the same since 2001, fucking hell even Apple managed to change something in 9 years. It was only Steve Jobs' weight but at least Apple changed!

#3: Blizzard

Ah, Blizzard. I've wasted days of my life because of these brilliant bastards. The Warcraft series always appealed to RTS guy in me, but their number 3 slot was secured with the phenomenem that is World of Warcraft. Unfortunately almost everyone in the world thinks World of Warcraft is nerdier than a Warhammer 40k collector at a Star Wars convention with tickets to the Star Trek invention after it. This is almost as stupid as the PlayStation Move (zing). First of all, people who play World of Warcraft so excessively that they don't go out at all and wear adult nappies while they play are not nerds... they're freaks. Blizzard has been controversial game developers because of a Korean couple leaving their child at home who died because they were playing World of Warcraft, but seriously what the fuck, I doubt that has anything to do with the game and more about them being worse parents than gary Glitter and Ian Huntley. And anyway, if they had a home computer that would never have happened. Which leads to mine and Johns campaign, free computers for everybody, which we just made up, because we are dicks.

#2 Rockstar

If you though Blizzard were controversial, then you haven't seen anything yet. Despite having developed excellent games such as Grand Theft Auto and Red Dead Redemption, nearly all of their games having caused angry and often hilarious news reports about them. To see what I'm talking about, watch Glenn Beck's news report on GTA IV. It is so funny to see how naive it is. Here's Part 1 and Part 2. Beck rants about it like it's worse than a new Hitler-Stalin hybrid that plants Nazi brains into Al-Qaeda heads with an IRA ice cream scoop. Manhunt 2 was banned in the UK, which fucking astounded me. I knew that the Australian Censor guys banned a game if it included women with breasts, or it showed that humans have blood. But in the UK we're a bit more lenient. Well, the Defence Secretary did have a go at Medal of Honour because of the Taliban in the Multiplayer. You'd think that he'd have bigger things to worry about, like you know winning the war. Only problem with Rockstar is that they fucked up the pc more than a person fucking something up to fuck it up. they left the PC which made it famous and went to console, giving computer gamers an unplayable game where the floor disappears half way through and you get sent back in time to the Battle of Hastings.

AND FINALLY, THE GREATEST GAME DEVELOPER OF ALL TIME:

#1 Nintendo

It's obvious that Nintendo deserve this number 1 spot. They are excellent game developers, who give us excellent game series that don't drag out at all. What Nintendo definitely DON'T do, is stretch on their game series on and on like a prostitute attempting to make double. And they DON'T just use nostalgia as a way to sell their games. They're plain awesome.

Hahahahahahahaha, but seriously.

AND FINALLY, THE REAL GREATEST GAME DEVELOPER OF ALL TIME:

#1 Valve

This may come as a bit of a shock for a lot of gamers, but come on. The Half-Life series is better than a wireless blow-job dispenser. As is Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead, Counter-Strike, the list goes on. While they do have a few mediocre games under their belt, like Portal. But even that isn't much of a criticism because Portal wasn't meant to be a big game like Half-Life, it was just a side-game that took off like a thing that took off in a big taking off factory. Ol' "Johnny Smith" agrees with my number 1 but he hates Left for Dead because Valve made that instead of Half-Life 2 Episode 3, however that may be because if they eventually did its awesomness would blow up the earth and send body parts and shit flying off into space for a cannibalising, faeces loving alien to eat. And for dessert he'd eat cake. For all this Valve get my The Best Gaming Developers Of All Time Badge... Sponsored by EA (sorry guys but your corruption diamonds wernt enough for me, what do you mean you'll send mobsters around to my house?)

Overall to NOT choose Valve as the best game developer of all time would be like saying Hitler really got on with the Jewish population, or Nick Griffin was a very tolerant man, or that Americans aren't arrogant, fat and stupid. Your wrong and it what your saying doesn't make sense to American readers/listeners, you know 'cause they're stupid.

No comments:

Post a Comment