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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Monday, 22 November 2010

Forget Cruise Control! We have Motion Control!

Since that gay faggot who I despise so very much "John Smith" has put up a rant on Motion Controls I think I should probably do a little follow up with my opinions, you know, those opinions you all deeply care about. To start off, no I do not HATE motion controls, however I do think that most are overrated, and are almost a step backwards in innovative terms.

Nintendo Wii!
The Wii was like a gleam of gold at the end of the mining tunnel, which grew more and more beautiful as we first started to handle it. However after a few weeks, the gold began to disitegrate, until the miners found that it wasn never gold at all, just a lump of shit dyed gold. The Wii's downfall in my opinion was because of 3 things:

1. The novelty of the motion control evaporated after 10 minutes

2. The controller was about as responsive as a blind, deaf and dumb stream of spunk.

3. The games on the Wii are shit fucking awful 4 years after the release.

If the Wii signalled the beginning of the era of motion controls I hope to god that the era improves sometime soon. Now that the Wii is out of the way, I'll review a couple of games:

New Super Mario Brothers Wii!

Don't let the name fool you, it's the same game as Super Mario Bros. 3 disguised as a brand new one. A normal person may think what the point of this game would be if it's the same as Super Mario Bros. 3, so to help that person out I would point to a huge neon sign behind the Nintendo HQ, which would read: "WE'RE IN THE MONEY!"

Wii Sports Resort!

This is the game that saw WiiMotionPlus gallop onto the scene to save the Wii, however the horse it was riding on still had the response time of a retarded quadraplegic. Half of the games have been copied and pasted shamelessly from Wii Sports by Nintendo, which leads me to refer to my neon sign analogy in the previous paragraph. The rest of the games are pathetic to say the least. Basketball feels like making a gay hand gesture to a passing aeroplane, and Power Cruising is about as immersive as a chocolate salad.

Wii Fit Plus!

Me being a fat bastard I was foolishly swept up by Wii Fit thinking that it would help me loose weight. However after roughly 11 months of playing the game I have lost about 4 pounds. Overall in this last year I've lost nearly 10 pounds, which I have to say I am extremely proud of, but that isn't because of the shitness of Wii Fit Plus. All the games are either fun... well fun-ish but don't help you lose any weight at all, or boring and still don't help you lose any weight at all.

Now I look back on the Wii's life I can weirdly compare it to Matilda's father in Roald Dahl's book Matilda. He was a used car salesman who did tricks like putting sawdust in the gear box so it runs smoothly for about a hundred miles before it broke again. Nintendo are Matilda's father, gleefully selling the thing they know everyone will discover is shit but before then make enough money to buy and sell God, and the Wii is the second hand car.

PlayStation Move!

Ah yes the delights of playing with a Wii Controller with a bell end on the end that can change colours. Actually that's not very fair is it, to say that PlayStation Move is a blind rip-off of the Wii would be to tell the absolute truth. PlayStation Move is now the most pathetic motion control system out there, even worse than the Wii because at least the Wii was fucking original. You can get the Wii with the shit controller and all you need to play is a lot of free hours in which the console can register your movement. With Kinect you get the joy of controller free gaming, say Microsoft and a tiny array of games with enough versatility for casual and hardcore gamers as a box of red grapes. But with Move, wow you just get the Wii all over again, how incredible.

One thing I actually like about the Move system is that Sony clearly hadn't forgotten about all the harcore gamers who play the PS3, God rest their souls, and released a few retardedly named games for retards who like doing retarded stuff retardly. There's THE Fight and THE Shoot, like we're all phenominal idiots who need everything spelling out like we're all four year olds writing out a witness statement.

Now since I have no intention to EVER get PlayStation Move then I can't do any game reviews for it, OOPS A DAISY BACON GREASE!

Sorry about that. Moving on:

Kinect for Xbox 360!

I believe that the Xbox 360 is the best console on the market, however slender that lead is. Because of this, it also needs the best motion control system on the market. So does it have it? Let's find out.

A good motion control system needs a good control system, so the Wii's out, I swung the Wii remote about an hour ago, so hopefully by the time I write this fucking thing maybe my Mii will swing his racket. It needs to be original so Move's out. And it also will need some good games, whether they are being released with the control system or just in the near future. And that is Kinect's downfall.

The first time I saw Kinect I thought it was magical, me being a fucking stupid arsehole back then who couldn't tell a good thing if it farted in my face. But I loved it, and when I went to London in August I tried the actual thing out. It was great, I loved mostly every second I played. It's not within spunking level of Half-Life 2 brilliance or the 3 years of my life dominated by the behemoth Halo 1.

If I based this review thing on just Kinect itself I would give it at least 8/10, but unfortunately, I'm also basing it on the games. So here we go:

Kinect Joy Ride!

Simple enough for even an American to understand, that is if he hasn't eaten the fucking game yet. You hold out your arms like you're holding a steering wheel, then just steer around the track. There isn't any accelerate control or brake or reverse control, its all done for you. That, unfortunately makes this game incredibly annoying, so annoying I nearly took a leaf out of the above mentioned American's book and nearly ate the disc. The game only realises that you need to reverse about an hour after you crash into the wall, and an hour after all your opponents get first, second, third and fourth place. The game is alright, but it comes across as a game you can play once at a friend's house and you've done everything the game has to offer.

Kinect Adventures!

This is the game you get packaged with Kinect, and fortunately it is a blast. The 5 different type of adventures are all great, I enjoyed them enormously, and there are plenty of different variations on these to make it a game that you won't have explored properly for at least 5 hours. Better than Joy Ride at least.

Kinect Sports!

By far the best game on Kinect, there are only a few annoyances with Sports. The first is that the Beautiful Game (football and yes it is football, it will never ever be soccer) is not the Beautiful Game any more in this game. The bowling is so transparently taken from Wii Sports it could pass for a fucking window, but these are all tiny niggling doubts. The Track and Field stuff is amazing, so is volleyball and everything else I've left out. Get this game.

The Verdict

Nintendo Wii: 4/10

Playstation Move: 4/10

Kinect: 6.5/10

Kinect is the winnar!

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Religion is SHIT. Also, People don't understand what Racism is.

Yeah that's right religion is shit. All religions. Not just one religion. Every. Single. One. In. Existance. Of all time.

First let me argue my stance before you shout about how racist I am. There is no God. It's pretty fucking obvious when you look at it. No God, who is supposed to be all-loving, and merciful, would say that being gay is a "despisable" act. He is supposed to love us all, no matter what we do. Plus the bible keeps contradicting itself. Most of the time we hear the "give peace a chance" bullshit, telling us we should forgive each other and be nice to each other, or else. Then we get God making child birth incredibly painful for women instead of forgiving them, valuing one people over another (Israelites over Egyptians) instead of loving them both equally as he preaches all the fucking time.

And I also know that God doesn't exist because I know why religion was invented. It was invented to exploit peoples' ignorance. For example the church during the Medieval period extorted money from peasants, telling them "give us money and you won't go to hell". What kind of all-loving deity would allow that? There are so many things God, if he existed, which he doesn't, wouldn't fucking allow. The religion of Islam keep their children in special schools where they are taught how great Islam is over and over again, basically brainwashing them. Other reasons God doesn't exist include:

1. Why do bad things happen if he is all powerful?

2. Why the fuck does Satan PUNISH bad people when he's God's enemy, doesn't that mean he's helping him.

3. Jesus is really fucking touchy. One of the disciples says he's going to die because their boat is sinking and then Jesus shouts that he has no faith. Excuse him for not fucking thinking that some fat bearded guy stuffing his face with fried chicken would help him when he's dying.

4. If God created the world, who created God?

5. Why does the bible not make sense?

There that'll do for this section. Moving on:

The world today is so fucking sensitive. Now you can't even think about the word "Black person" without being accused of being racist. Even this bloody blog post will be accused of racism soon. To start off I think I will explain the term racism. Telling someone who is a Muslim that they are a Muslim is about as racist as Martin Luther King. Telling someone you don't like them because they are Muslim is mild racism, it being mild compared to burning down their house and shitting in their arse crack being strong racism.

At school the other day one of my friends called one of my friends a Jew, then another friend said "He's not a Jew, he's a Muslim." (he's neither) At which point the first friend had trouble breathing in for a few seconds before he finally managed to pump out the words: "That is so racist!" before collapsing on the floor and masturbating over Call of Duty: Black Ops, while struggling to draw in the tiniest breath because of his shock.

That is not fucking racist. Idiots who say stuff like that need to look up the definition of racism. When someone tells me I'm white I don't freak out and tell the police that you were being racist about me, I just say "Well no shit you fucking honky." Yes as you can tell, I am being sarcastic. About the honky part anyway.

Also, the Music of Black Origin Awards are racist. And no, that's not because I think white people are better, it's because proper tolerance means being equal. If someone set up the Music of White Origin Awards it would immediately be accused of discriminating against black people, but the MOBO awards aren't accused of discriminating against white people. It's the same with Black History Month. Every year white kids and black kids dress up as a famous black person (in America that is) and say about how great they are. There is no White History Month, oh no because that would be racist wouldn't it. No why force white children to dress up as black people and not force black children to dress up as white people, that makes a whole lot of fucking sense doesn't it.

I have no problem with black people. What I want is for a truly tolerant society where people aren't discriminated against or valued because of the colour of their skin or their religion. And the closer the world tries to get to this dream, the further away we get from it. By trying to get white people equal with black people we end up over compensating, valuing black people over white. And the longer this stays around, the bigger the effect of it. Recently I overheard the weirdest coversation ever between 2 people in my class. They were arguing about the Pope and President Obama, when one said "Has there ever been a black Pope? No, so shut up." I immediately said "What does that have to do with anything. Being black doesn't make you better than anyone else." At which point I was accused of being racist, surprise surprise.

Obama shouldn't have been elected because he was black. He should have been elected because of his policies and how he would help the country. Explain how him being black effects his quality as a president. It doesn't, which explains why Obama is a shit president.

Now I'm so agnry I cna't eevn tpye porprley, so I'l fniish now.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

The Christmas Video Game Release Rundown!

Right no intro this time let's just get going:

Halo: Reach!

I love the Halo series and this game has lived up to the standard. I like to think of the Halo series like going down the side of a gentle slope. Halo: Combat Evolved was amazing, and if it weren't for Half-Life 2 it'd be the best game of the decade. There's really not much to complain about for it, so I'll just say it's so good it'll make the most religious catholic have sex with another man and jack off over the devil. Halo 2 was a slightly worse than Halo 1, but the slope wasn't steep enough to be much trouble for a great franchise. Halo 3 made the slope difficult to keep walking at the same pace, but there wasn't anything really wrong with it. Then Halo 3: ODST came along and turned the slope into a fucking cliff, the series having no chance of survival as he plummeted the thousands of feet to the classic franchise's death. Finally along came Halo: Reach, using defibulaters to revive the franchise and urging him on, and the climb back up the mountain started again.

Fable III!

If the number wasn't different to Fable 2's then I would have said fuck off to Fable 3 because I thought it was just Fable 2 in disguise as a new game. Peter Molyneux, when he isn't ejaculating over being able to interact with a virtual boy, has once again exclaimed about the great choices you get, like in Fable 2. You can become King! Like in Fable 2. You can... ah fuck off. Regardless of this I am still getting it, I like Fable.

PlayStation Move!

This makes me piss myself laughing everytime I see a trailer or a picture for it. All Move is is just the Wii without needing your relfexes to be strong enough to act before something happens. OK that was a bit confusing so I'll shorten it down: Wii = shit, PS Move = improves on sensitivity issues but is exactly the fucking same as Wii in every other way. At least with Kinect the technology improves a lot on the Wii, as is the point of the 4 years longer development on the Wii, but PlayStation Move just says fuck it and uses the same thing as the Wii. One of the only things that slightly redeems Move in my eyes is the game line-up. While the Wii's games consist of the unholy creation of pouring liquid nostalgia into a game making machine and Kinect's games being a giant middle finger in all the faces of hardcore Xbox gamers, Move considers the people who like shooters and brawlers by releasing The Fight and The Shoot etc. In conclusion I piss myself whenever I see something about Move, something about shit motion controls and an alright game list. Moving on now.

Kinect for Xbox 360!

Having my excitement receptors torn out of me about a year ago leaves me unable to get excited about anything anymore. The only thing that came close to making me look forward to a release this year was the Kinect Demo at Covent Garden in London. And no before anyone says how sad I am going to London just to bum off Kinect I was already going there when I found out about Kinect's demo. Deal with it fuckers. Kinect was a blast, I liked beating my Dad at Kinect Sports and he enjoyed (thoroughly) beating me at Joyride. On the day I failed to notice what would happen to the games on Kinect 2 months after release. The novelty would wear off and everyone would stop caring that the camera reads your whole body. Just like the Wii. I am extremely disappointed to the point of angry with Kinect's game list. Microsoft said, no promised that they wouldn't neglect hardcore gamers with the game list, so I guess that was a blatant lie then? All the games aren't really games at all. They seem to be messages saying "FUCK YOU, WII! LOL WE'RE BETTER THAN YOU!".

Call of Duty: Black Ops!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

Well then Crap Ops, or Call of Duty 7 (doesn't time fly when you're having fun) the latest in the string of urine-soaked shit that is the Call of Duty franchise. Call of Duty 4 was amazing, truly amazing and so brilliant that every other CoD game should admit how shit they are and call CoD 4 the king of all CoD's. But unfortunately that doesn't happen because the idiots that make up the general public squeal with delight like pigs in a trough when a new CoD game is released. Like I said before CoD 4 is amazing, CoD 5 was just CoD 4 again re-skinned for WW2 and CoD MW2 took everything that was great about CoD 4 and chucked it into the meat-grinder while laughing and spitting in my forlorn face as I realise that every single CoD game from now will be shit. And now along comes CoD: Crap Ops that will just be CoD MW2 re-skinned for the most ridiculous setting imaginable. Even in the reveal trailer I thought wow this is a MW2 rip off. In MW2 one line was: "History is written by the victor. History is filled with liars." which is a famous Churchill quote and in the Crap Ops trailer a line was: "A lie is a lie. Just because you write it down and call it history doesn't make it the truth." To be honest I don't even fucking care enough about CoD games any more to make up an analogy for it. It'll be shit, get over it and play something actually worth playing for once you brainless fucks!

Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock!

Over the last 5 years we've had so many Guitar Hero's that I had to buy special nose plugs to stop them flowing out of my nostrils. Ever since Guitar Hero World Tour all these games have been pointless; anything Guitar Hero 5 changed in the series could have just been shipped onto Guitar Hero World Tour with downloadable content. Guitar Hero is like Call of Duty, the developers will keep milking the franchise by adding small and very stupid things to Guitar Hero, and when they run out of stupid stuff to add they'll keep milking untill finally the franchise collapses, screaming no more then shoots itself in the udders.

Rock Band 3!

See above comments for similar comments on Rock Band 3, but the thing that Rock Band 3 has added is probably worth getting the game for (keyboard).

DJ Hero 2!

DJ Hero is on my worst games of the decade list so you'll excuse me for saying some extremely rude words about the shit fest that is DJ Hero. The person that commisioned a sequel to this god awful game should be locked in a soundproof room while his own shit remixes are played over and over again at 1000dB until their head explodes.

Well that's about all I'm going to type today, thanks for reading my blog post. And if you are sat there right now reading this and saying how shocked you are at my sudden nice-ness, then 1) Stop using Bacon Grease in your hair you weirdo and 2) You're a fucking idiot if you didn't recognise the sarcasm.