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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Saturday, 6 November 2010

The Christmas Video Game Release Rundown!

Right no intro this time let's just get going:

Halo: Reach!

I love the Halo series and this game has lived up to the standard. I like to think of the Halo series like going down the side of a gentle slope. Halo: Combat Evolved was amazing, and if it weren't for Half-Life 2 it'd be the best game of the decade. There's really not much to complain about for it, so I'll just say it's so good it'll make the most religious catholic have sex with another man and jack off over the devil. Halo 2 was a slightly worse than Halo 1, but the slope wasn't steep enough to be much trouble for a great franchise. Halo 3 made the slope difficult to keep walking at the same pace, but there wasn't anything really wrong with it. Then Halo 3: ODST came along and turned the slope into a fucking cliff, the series having no chance of survival as he plummeted the thousands of feet to the classic franchise's death. Finally along came Halo: Reach, using defibulaters to revive the franchise and urging him on, and the climb back up the mountain started again.

Fable III!

If the number wasn't different to Fable 2's then I would have said fuck off to Fable 3 because I thought it was just Fable 2 in disguise as a new game. Peter Molyneux, when he isn't ejaculating over being able to interact with a virtual boy, has once again exclaimed about the great choices you get, like in Fable 2. You can become King! Like in Fable 2. You can... ah fuck off. Regardless of this I am still getting it, I like Fable.

PlayStation Move!

This makes me piss myself laughing everytime I see a trailer or a picture for it. All Move is is just the Wii without needing your relfexes to be strong enough to act before something happens. OK that was a bit confusing so I'll shorten it down: Wii = shit, PS Move = improves on sensitivity issues but is exactly the fucking same as Wii in every other way. At least with Kinect the technology improves a lot on the Wii, as is the point of the 4 years longer development on the Wii, but PlayStation Move just says fuck it and uses the same thing as the Wii. One of the only things that slightly redeems Move in my eyes is the game line-up. While the Wii's games consist of the unholy creation of pouring liquid nostalgia into a game making machine and Kinect's games being a giant middle finger in all the faces of hardcore Xbox gamers, Move considers the people who like shooters and brawlers by releasing The Fight and The Shoot etc. In conclusion I piss myself whenever I see something about Move, something about shit motion controls and an alright game list. Moving on now.

Kinect for Xbox 360!

Having my excitement receptors torn out of me about a year ago leaves me unable to get excited about anything anymore. The only thing that came close to making me look forward to a release this year was the Kinect Demo at Covent Garden in London. And no before anyone says how sad I am going to London just to bum off Kinect I was already going there when I found out about Kinect's demo. Deal with it fuckers. Kinect was a blast, I liked beating my Dad at Kinect Sports and he enjoyed (thoroughly) beating me at Joyride. On the day I failed to notice what would happen to the games on Kinect 2 months after release. The novelty would wear off and everyone would stop caring that the camera reads your whole body. Just like the Wii. I am extremely disappointed to the point of angry with Kinect's game list. Microsoft said, no promised that they wouldn't neglect hardcore gamers with the game list, so I guess that was a blatant lie then? All the games aren't really games at all. They seem to be messages saying "FUCK YOU, WII! LOL WE'RE BETTER THAN YOU!".

Call of Duty: Black Ops!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

Well then Crap Ops, or Call of Duty 7 (doesn't time fly when you're having fun) the latest in the string of urine-soaked shit that is the Call of Duty franchise. Call of Duty 4 was amazing, truly amazing and so brilliant that every other CoD game should admit how shit they are and call CoD 4 the king of all CoD's. But unfortunately that doesn't happen because the idiots that make up the general public squeal with delight like pigs in a trough when a new CoD game is released. Like I said before CoD 4 is amazing, CoD 5 was just CoD 4 again re-skinned for WW2 and CoD MW2 took everything that was great about CoD 4 and chucked it into the meat-grinder while laughing and spitting in my forlorn face as I realise that every single CoD game from now will be shit. And now along comes CoD: Crap Ops that will just be CoD MW2 re-skinned for the most ridiculous setting imaginable. Even in the reveal trailer I thought wow this is a MW2 rip off. In MW2 one line was: "History is written by the victor. History is filled with liars." which is a famous Churchill quote and in the Crap Ops trailer a line was: "A lie is a lie. Just because you write it down and call it history doesn't make it the truth." To be honest I don't even fucking care enough about CoD games any more to make up an analogy for it. It'll be shit, get over it and play something actually worth playing for once you brainless fucks!

Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock!

Over the last 5 years we've had so many Guitar Hero's that I had to buy special nose plugs to stop them flowing out of my nostrils. Ever since Guitar Hero World Tour all these games have been pointless; anything Guitar Hero 5 changed in the series could have just been shipped onto Guitar Hero World Tour with downloadable content. Guitar Hero is like Call of Duty, the developers will keep milking the franchise by adding small and very stupid things to Guitar Hero, and when they run out of stupid stuff to add they'll keep milking untill finally the franchise collapses, screaming no more then shoots itself in the udders.

Rock Band 3!

See above comments for similar comments on Rock Band 3, but the thing that Rock Band 3 has added is probably worth getting the game for (keyboard).

DJ Hero 2!

DJ Hero is on my worst games of the decade list so you'll excuse me for saying some extremely rude words about the shit fest that is DJ Hero. The person that commisioned a sequel to this god awful game should be locked in a soundproof room while his own shit remixes are played over and over again at 1000dB until their head explodes.

Well that's about all I'm going to type today, thanks for reading my blog post. And if you are sat there right now reading this and saying how shocked you are at my sudden nice-ness, then 1) Stop using Bacon Grease in your hair you weirdo and 2) You're a fucking idiot if you didn't recognise the sarcasm.

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