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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Monday, 22 November 2010

Forget Cruise Control! We have Motion Control!

Since that gay faggot who I despise so very much "John Smith" has put up a rant on Motion Controls I think I should probably do a little follow up with my opinions, you know, those opinions you all deeply care about. To start off, no I do not HATE motion controls, however I do think that most are overrated, and are almost a step backwards in innovative terms.

Nintendo Wii!
The Wii was like a gleam of gold at the end of the mining tunnel, which grew more and more beautiful as we first started to handle it. However after a few weeks, the gold began to disitegrate, until the miners found that it wasn never gold at all, just a lump of shit dyed gold. The Wii's downfall in my opinion was because of 3 things:

1. The novelty of the motion control evaporated after 10 minutes

2. The controller was about as responsive as a blind, deaf and dumb stream of spunk.

3. The games on the Wii are shit fucking awful 4 years after the release.

If the Wii signalled the beginning of the era of motion controls I hope to god that the era improves sometime soon. Now that the Wii is out of the way, I'll review a couple of games:

New Super Mario Brothers Wii!

Don't let the name fool you, it's the same game as Super Mario Bros. 3 disguised as a brand new one. A normal person may think what the point of this game would be if it's the same as Super Mario Bros. 3, so to help that person out I would point to a huge neon sign behind the Nintendo HQ, which would read: "WE'RE IN THE MONEY!"

Wii Sports Resort!

This is the game that saw WiiMotionPlus gallop onto the scene to save the Wii, however the horse it was riding on still had the response time of a retarded quadraplegic. Half of the games have been copied and pasted shamelessly from Wii Sports by Nintendo, which leads me to refer to my neon sign analogy in the previous paragraph. The rest of the games are pathetic to say the least. Basketball feels like making a gay hand gesture to a passing aeroplane, and Power Cruising is about as immersive as a chocolate salad.

Wii Fit Plus!

Me being a fat bastard I was foolishly swept up by Wii Fit thinking that it would help me loose weight. However after roughly 11 months of playing the game I have lost about 4 pounds. Overall in this last year I've lost nearly 10 pounds, which I have to say I am extremely proud of, but that isn't because of the shitness of Wii Fit Plus. All the games are either fun... well fun-ish but don't help you lose any weight at all, or boring and still don't help you lose any weight at all.

Now I look back on the Wii's life I can weirdly compare it to Matilda's father in Roald Dahl's book Matilda. He was a used car salesman who did tricks like putting sawdust in the gear box so it runs smoothly for about a hundred miles before it broke again. Nintendo are Matilda's father, gleefully selling the thing they know everyone will discover is shit but before then make enough money to buy and sell God, and the Wii is the second hand car.

PlayStation Move!

Ah yes the delights of playing with a Wii Controller with a bell end on the end that can change colours. Actually that's not very fair is it, to say that PlayStation Move is a blind rip-off of the Wii would be to tell the absolute truth. PlayStation Move is now the most pathetic motion control system out there, even worse than the Wii because at least the Wii was fucking original. You can get the Wii with the shit controller and all you need to play is a lot of free hours in which the console can register your movement. With Kinect you get the joy of controller free gaming, say Microsoft and a tiny array of games with enough versatility for casual and hardcore gamers as a box of red grapes. But with Move, wow you just get the Wii all over again, how incredible.

One thing I actually like about the Move system is that Sony clearly hadn't forgotten about all the harcore gamers who play the PS3, God rest their souls, and released a few retardedly named games for retards who like doing retarded stuff retardly. There's THE Fight and THE Shoot, like we're all phenominal idiots who need everything spelling out like we're all four year olds writing out a witness statement.

Now since I have no intention to EVER get PlayStation Move then I can't do any game reviews for it, OOPS A DAISY BACON GREASE!

Sorry about that. Moving on:

Kinect for Xbox 360!

I believe that the Xbox 360 is the best console on the market, however slender that lead is. Because of this, it also needs the best motion control system on the market. So does it have it? Let's find out.

A good motion control system needs a good control system, so the Wii's out, I swung the Wii remote about an hour ago, so hopefully by the time I write this fucking thing maybe my Mii will swing his racket. It needs to be original so Move's out. And it also will need some good games, whether they are being released with the control system or just in the near future. And that is Kinect's downfall.

The first time I saw Kinect I thought it was magical, me being a fucking stupid arsehole back then who couldn't tell a good thing if it farted in my face. But I loved it, and when I went to London in August I tried the actual thing out. It was great, I loved mostly every second I played. It's not within spunking level of Half-Life 2 brilliance or the 3 years of my life dominated by the behemoth Halo 1.

If I based this review thing on just Kinect itself I would give it at least 8/10, but unfortunately, I'm also basing it on the games. So here we go:

Kinect Joy Ride!

Simple enough for even an American to understand, that is if he hasn't eaten the fucking game yet. You hold out your arms like you're holding a steering wheel, then just steer around the track. There isn't any accelerate control or brake or reverse control, its all done for you. That, unfortunately makes this game incredibly annoying, so annoying I nearly took a leaf out of the above mentioned American's book and nearly ate the disc. The game only realises that you need to reverse about an hour after you crash into the wall, and an hour after all your opponents get first, second, third and fourth place. The game is alright, but it comes across as a game you can play once at a friend's house and you've done everything the game has to offer.

Kinect Adventures!

This is the game you get packaged with Kinect, and fortunately it is a blast. The 5 different type of adventures are all great, I enjoyed them enormously, and there are plenty of different variations on these to make it a game that you won't have explored properly for at least 5 hours. Better than Joy Ride at least.

Kinect Sports!

By far the best game on Kinect, there are only a few annoyances with Sports. The first is that the Beautiful Game (football and yes it is football, it will never ever be soccer) is not the Beautiful Game any more in this game. The bowling is so transparently taken from Wii Sports it could pass for a fucking window, but these are all tiny niggling doubts. The Track and Field stuff is amazing, so is volleyball and everything else I've left out. Get this game.

The Verdict

Nintendo Wii: 4/10

Playstation Move: 4/10

Kinect: 6.5/10

Kinect is the winnar!

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