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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Monday, 10 January 2011

Bitesize Rants You Can Snack On (While loading your pistol)

First off, happy new year to all you weirdos reading the musing of a 14 year old boy, who are probably tightening the noose around their necks as they read this. I had a very productive Christmas, I got fatter (which I thought impossible because if I gained any more weight I'd collapse into my self), got Kinect officially this time, and Fable 3.

Speaking of Fable 3, here's my first bitesized review:

Fable 3!

The successor to the decent Fable 2 gets off to a flying start with a very difficult moral choice: will you let your girlfriend die to save a couple of peasant villagers? Or will you say fuck to the villagers and go shag your object "Jiggles". Yes as you can tell I am biased like that. For the first part of the campaign you try to lead a revolution to overthrow your tyrant brother, and once again you can't actually join him as you probably would if you chose to be evil.

For the most part the quests are nothing new, we've seen it all before in RPG's, but there is one part that I think is one of the best moments in RPG history. The quest is when you go to Aurora and go into the cave, which turns out to be inhabited with a sinister element known only as "The Darkness". This may sound slightly cliche, but it works, perfectly, at creating tension, atmosphere, and, as amazing as this sounds: terror. This quest is terrifying. I almost shat my pants on a number of occasions. This quest was excellent. I cannot say the same for the rest of the game.

What Peter Molyneux calls "the second half of the game", but feels more like a 5 minute breather in between two big fights. This is the part where you are King, and it's shit. Every day is the same when you are King apparently, nothing fucking changes. This part of the game made me feel extremely cold.

If you are wondering why I set up that god awful transition, it is because I have tuned in to watch this recently:

Arctic With Bruce Parry!

A more appropriate title for the first episode would be 100 Reasons to Hate the Soviet Union: With Bruce Parry. Seriously, all he does while he's trundling through Siberia is complain that the Soviets banned the old religion of the people, the Soviets oppressed the Siberians, the Soviets controlled Siberia by force, the Soviets didn't all give the Siberians a collective blow job, the Soviets didn't put their underwear on their head while drunk, and finally my personal favourite, that the Soviets didn't record a video of themselves stripping off for his amusement.

The second episode isn't much better. You can say a lot about Bruce Parry, mainly that he sounds like a gay man trying to impersonate a news reader, or that he looks slightly like me only 60 years older, but the one thing that really pisses me off about him is how inconsistant he is with what he says (and in some cases does). The very beginning of the episode when he's in Greenland he goes hunting with an Inuit and says over and over again how bad global warming, then half an hour later, discarding the Inuit like a snotty tissue, he joins an Australian miner. This miner is taking advantage of the melting ice to mine for lead and iron and gold and dalekanium, which Bruce starts helping him with with great gusto.

Yes the landscapes he visits are beautiful and it is well worth a watch. If you can stand the schizophrenic arse vomiting documentary cliche's at you for an hour, which I can't.

Best and Worst Film of 2010?!

The best film of last year without doubt was Inception, although you have to have an attention span that most idiots in this world lack. For example in my form at school if I played that film half the class would just say "Dis film is shit bruv, wicked wicked, jungle is massive.", their tiny brains can't even comprehend words of more than 2 letters, never mind films about dreams within dreams within dreams. The other half of my form would be too busy powdering their noses and playing with their iPhones and iPods and iShits to pay attention. Close behind Inception in second place is Toy Story 3, which was great. Not really much else to say about it.

The worst film of last year was a close call between two utter piles of shit big enough to rival Nintendo. The first was Crap of the Titans, also known as Clash of the Titans to people stupid enough to like it. The 3D (which I paid full price for) was rubbish, so rubbish it makes 3D TV look astoundingly immersive, and even the 2D special effects that were in the film were ALL SHOWN IN THE TRAILER. Of course a film cannot be just special effects, it needs a story, and oh boy, the story is worse than anything the special effect guy did. First we are told that Hades kills Perseus's dad or something, then later we learn he cannot interfere with human lives. Nuff said.

The second choice was Vampires Suck, yet another mutant offspring from the Fried Egg and Seltzer team, whose unfortunate birth defect is not being funny in any way. The last Freltzer (yes I am lazy) films were jam packed full of hilarious jokes like saying the name of Paris Hilton, or copying a scene from a film they are "spoofing" and copy it word for word and shot for shot. Hilarious. Vampires aren't the only thing that suck.

OK I can't decide, so I'll just leave you suicidals to ponder that for a while.

Dancing on Ice!

This isn't a review, I wouldn't lower myself to watch this shit if you paid me 40 blow jobs a minute, it's just a complaint. My Mum had it on in the background while I was reading and the announcer started shouting the contestants' names and they'd wobble their way in looking as confident and happy as a cat who's been asked to swim through a sea of dogs. Another name was read out. They pranced in like idiots. Another name. Another cat in Dog Sea. It went on and on, for at least 10 minutes. Jesus, if I were watching that show I doubt I'd be able to watch up to the actual dancing part. If it takes that long to introduce them all then I fucking dread to think how long the interviews with them are.

The Biggest Loser UK/USA

OK, the only difference between these shows are that the Americans are twice as fat as the Brits, oh and the Americans are pussies. Moving on, the show(s) returns for another series of disgusting wobbling balls of fat roll onto some scales, cry for 10 minutes, then roll away again. Cue shots of the balls rolling on treadmills or rolling across gym floors, or puking in corners having rolled too hard. The first episode of the UK show was like the X Factor auditions turned up to overload. One ball emmitted talking from whichever hole I happened to be looking at at the time, and they said something as arbitrary and generic as "I have to do this for my kids!" Then Take That's Patience started on the soundtrack and cue another 10 minutes of the balls of fat crying as they said they were going to die and weren't going to be able to live with their kids.

Finally, the stupid clips end and we get back to the balls of fat rolling on treadmills again. For about 30 seconds. "MY CHILDREN NEEDS ME!" wailed on particularly massive ball of fat out of either his mouth or his arse, I couldn't really tell. Yet another 10 minutes of crying. The show is heart-warming sure, but I mean come on, all the show is is crying. Superimpose a picture of a toddler whose lost his mum and its basically the same. Except maybe at the start the toddler is so obese the tears could be colourless piss and I wouldn't know the difference, then at the end the toddler is just moderately overweight. Hallejuah!

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