Right then, a busy week this week, so to kick us off, I'll do a little report on the anti-government protests:
The way the Arab world are rioting at the moment you'd have thought an evil villainous pig had just superimposed a picture of a naked female pig danced in the skyline of all the Arab cities. But that isn't what's happening, what's actually happening is that the Muslims are finally realising how fucking ridiculous and backwards their governments are. Even if the world was suddenly set back about 700 years then they'd still be considered more backwards then a man who's put on his head the wrong way round.
But enough of that, time to get down to business. First the President of Tunisia was booted out of his office by angry protesters, then the ever-unlikeable President Mubarak of Egypt, whose very name pisses me off (because it sounds like a noise a cow makes crossed with the current US preident, who is a dickhead), was forced to step down out of power in Egypt. It took him a while though, after all the stupid whiney demands like "stop protesting I'll resign eventually" and "OK, I promise to step down in September". By the end of it I half expected Mubarak to chain himself to the radiator to stay in power. So Mubarak was kicked into the pile of dreadful world leaders along with such "greats" as George W Bush, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and Mikhail Gorbachev. I think the transition from Republic to Military Fucking Dictatorship would be condemned in any sane country, but this is the Arab world we're talking about, so there was so much celebrating the BBC pissed themselves with excitement at the thought of MORE EGYPT COVERAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Other protests are in Iran, where every single protester was shot on sight (really great example of democracy there guys), Libya, where Colonel Gadaffi is the leader of the military dictatorship that the anti-government people don't want in power, but for some reason did want it in Egypt, oh yeah and Somalia, you know that country where you get blown to pieces when walking down even the streets so remote they could be used to change the channel on you TV? Well the protests were quickly put down there, mainly by the use of AK-47s and bombs and violence. Who says Islam is incompatible with democracy?
John, over to you.
John: And in more Democracy news (really who need democracy, outdated system that is, military dictatorships work much better) prisoners in Britain have turned into snivelling babies (which a few of them would want to molest) as they whine to the European Court of Human Rights (European Court of Retarded Rights, or simply known by the Daily Mail as the EU) over how there not allowed to vote. Prisoners voting makes as much sense as that kid who lives down the street who is constantly eating pizza boxes and walking outside the house in tinfoil clothes. So it was all great when our Government voted against it, pissing off Liberalists (Free the trees duuuuude) and Guardian readers, who probably the same person. Then again if we listened to these "extremeley smart people" (censored by Nick Clegg) prisoners wouldn't just be able to vote they'd be able to walk free with the normal people, skipping merrifully through the fields of blue bells, galivanting through the countryside and going on mass killing sprees.... like normal people do.
Now back to Shamu the Whale, I mean Dan.
Dan: By far the most ridiculous story of this week was the miracle cat who purrs louder than a LAWNMOWER. It's been measured at around 80 decibels from a metre and a half away, that must sound like a nervous motorbike introducing itself to a megaphone. What about when it meows or snarls, will it finally measure up to its awesome cousin Leon Lion? Maybe this cat is some sort of stunted panther, that some woman found in a bin and adopted (that's a reference to the cat-in-wheely-bin-lady, maybe you won't get it). Of course there really isn't much to say about this cat thing, partly because what can you say about a cat that sounds like a microphone having sex with a vibrator, and partly because a loud cat ISN'T FUCKING NEWS! Ladies and gentleman, this story gives new meaning to Bollocks in the News, now if you'll excuse me, my dog just made a noise that JFK, I wonder how much the Daily Mail will pay me for that. Now over to John. What's that Molly, you want Chowder?
John: So now in Sports news and in the biggest shock in world football ever, Crawley Town beat Manch.... Wait no the lost 1-0, so fuck that story and here's another one which will be hard to swallow (why the hell did I put this damn pun in it), supposedly Oral Sex is a bigger cause of throat cancer than old tobbacy. Nonsense who did these studies, we are being paid by cigarrete companies inc. Well it was in the Daily Mail, make of that what you will. So the obvious solution to this obviously life threatening problem, convert to Islam, they won't allow you to do this, even though Allah will almost force you to. Anyway back to Daniel (I think, I may do another short story later).
Dan: Alright, then that'll be enough for this week. Tune in next week for the next Bollocks in the News... (DA DA DAAAAA DA DA DAAAAAA DA)