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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Saturday, 26 March 2011

Two "New" Videos Uploaded

OK, so I probably should have mentioned this 3 months ago when I uploaded then, but better late than never I suppose. I've uploaded two new videos, the ideas for them came from both me and John Smith.

The first one is a spoof of the ending of Call of Duty: Black Ops, because the first time I played through the game I thought the ending was so patriotic I wouldn't be surprised if George Washington started doing the waltz to the tune of Stars and Stripes Forever with Eisenhower while eating some Apple Pie. The actual ending wasn't a million miles from this.

The second video demonstrates what Black Ops' soundtrack would be like if it were a modern war game (which some game reviewers insist on calling it). Check out the video here, and don't worry, I'm not going to beg for subs or likes, I'm not as horrendously lame as all that.

Celebrity Juice is AWESOME!

POTATO! POTATO! POTATO! POTATO!

Yeah, no. Celebrity Juice has to be the worst panel show I've seen in my life. Watching it is like grinding my balls against a sharpened cheese grater. It was so excrutiatingly bad, I had to watch the Dark Knight and the Lord of the Rings 3 times to wash the awful taste out of my mouth.

The episode I watched started with Keith Lemon (whose very name makes my mouth take the shape of a wrinkled dog's arse) strutting along through the ailses of people, who were clapping and cheering and whistling like they were in for something good, poor things. This walk was almost the breaking point for me, I mean the guy is already about as annoying as a faulty smoke alarm (he fucking sound like it too), so with this walk he was as annoying as a faulty smoke alarm while trying to load a fucking Macintosh.

When the bastard had finally walked to his seat, he began to introduce his ridiculous panel. He seemed to have all of TV's rejects (which funnily enough all have shows on ITV2, Holly "Willoughbooby" (PAH HA HA), Fearne Cotton (who is so stupid she would probably have to hire a dectective to find her arse and elbow, then hire a builder to get them the right fucking way around), and Mileen Klass, who I actually quite like. SHUT UP.

On the other side was Genie-of-the-Lamp DiCampingSite, and Rufus Hound, who looked about as thrilled to be where he was as a pig wandering through Mecca.

Suddenly it switched back to Keith Lemmon Party, as he started patronising Gino so much it was like he was a retard asking what sex is. This was an "up the duff" special, so their were pregnant jokes aplenty, absolutely all of them unfunny. One quiet interjection from Rufus You-Ain't-Nothing-But-A-Hound-Dog later, and we had a bunch of South Park voices claiming they were the vaginas of the idiot women on there.

By then I didn't have the stomach to last anymore, so I sort of collapsed sideways, vaguely picking up vocal strains from Keith Lemon, who seemed to get louder each time he said something.

I'll finish up by saying this: if you are a teenage girl/boy who wear their jeans halfway down their arses like their has been a belt genocide, then this is probably your favourite show. And if it is, then fuck you.

Monday, 21 March 2011

The Libya Uprising

Now that I've got your attention, let's talk about the brown speckled feathers on chickens...

Yes I am kidding. Today we will be talking about the whole Libya uprising saga, that UK has gone into again. I mean when there's a situation in a country that's Muslim we can't keep our noses out can we, we should force our noses back to the Daily Left/Right Wing and sip our tea. Anyway we... oh and eat our scones.

Anyway the thing started when possibly the ugliest man in existance (except Matt Smith, the new Doctor Who, I mean his face looks like it was squashed between two fat men, then had David Tennant's personality artificially transplanted into him), Colonel Muammar Gaddafi reacted to the anti-government protests with about as much calm and clear democratic skills as a bigoted donkey in a drunken mass debate. He shot at the protestors, displaying his love for his people once again, and since there was understandibly an uprising because of this, now clings to power by a thread.

The first I heard of it was when I flicked on the news to learn about the Christchurch earthquake (I mean no disrespect but that name is preachier than a vicar club that accidently scheduelled its meeting at the same time as the murdering, stealing, atheist, lesbian club. RIP), when I was confronted by footage of an insanely hideous and evil man who was shouting that the uprising was the fault of al-Qaeda and "Western Imperialism". OK, let me explain what is wrong with this statement. First, the al-Qaeda thing is complete rubbish, I didn't see Gaddafi complaining when Libya were sending truck loads of suicide bombers to Iraq, and also, Western Imperialism stopped quite a long time ago. You should of noticed when Libya became indepentent from Italy, but maybe you didn't noticed because Satan was designing your face (I mean who get's conquered by Italy, their tanks have only two gear modes: stop and reverse, at least with the French you get their disgusting cheese and with the German's their foul looking white sausage).

When the uprising finally started I was thinking, here we go, Gaddafi is going to kill as many people as possible on his way out, and then when we get the rebels in power they'll probably vote in some wacko like the Ayatollah Khomeini or Saddam Hussein. The rebellion took a lot long than I thought. By day 10 I was thinking if we're going to get involved here then we should bloody do it now before the rebels are wiped off the face of the Earth. Then the next day I saw pictures of a place called "Martyr's Square" hilariously enough. The people there firmly supported the rebels. Then the next day they were flying the big green handcherchief of the Gaddafi supporters. I would say make up your mind but they've had enough of that from Gaddugly.

So now I've realised what is going to happen: The UK will send in troops needlessly AGAIN (if Afghanistan is a threat to our national security then the Tyranasaurus Rex threatens humanity with extinction), Gaddafi will be overthrown almost immediately, we'll spend 6 needless years in the country that doesn't need us, then we'll leave. Thousands of our soldiers will die, and Libya will be just as fucked as before.

So basically it's going to be another Iraq. Lucky their suicide bombers don't have to travel as far this time.

I'll see you for tea and scones in the war-torn battlezone of Liyba in two weeks my friend, to toast another load of British heroes thrown into the meat grinder.

Monday, 7 March 2011

The Top 10 Greatest Games of the Decade

Well one decade is over, the years 2000-2010 saw a massive amount of great games, but an even greater amount of god-awful games. Today, me and John Smith will do yet another collaborated effort (I'm getting sick of that bastard) to discuss the 10 greatest games of the past decade, so at number 10, take it away John!

10. Morrowind (2002)!

John: Now you may be thinking Morrorwind, why Morrowind and not, say Oblivion. Well my first response would be to slap you steal your mastercard, shag your wife and shout at you "I'M THE GAMES REVIEWER. FUUUUUUCK OFFFF!" but then, while buying some aeroplane tickets with your mastercard to get out of the country I would think about your question and wonder why myself (can't wonder much, I got bored of Oblivion within 5 minutes, but lets gloss over that for this). Well first things first, Oblivion dosn't seem as rich in lore as Morrorwind and feels like there just barking orders at you to do stuff like an angry army general who got raped as a kid so is taking this out on you. You have no reason to do anything, and you don't even save the frigging world, it's the dead emperors son..... freeloading bastard, no wonder i went all texas chainsaw on a nearby church as soon as i got into the world. However the main reason is that Oblivion itself just feels like what it is.... A game, while Morrowind, it feels more like a world to explore, and that is why I am still doing.

9. Rome: Total War (2004)!

John: Rome Total War, the moment the Total War series hit superiority before it collapsed like a flower being squashed an elephant holding a brick (no matter what Dan says about how he thinks Medieval 2 was better, it was a good game, but no better than this.) Now to people like me Shogun and the first Medieval game where good, but not like this. Then you have Empire and Napoleon, but you can't really blame Rome Total War for those, thats like blaming a Cambridge Professor for his great great grandson being a drug taking, alcoholic who shoves his head up camesls arses for no reason. The Game itself also allowed me to try new things such as, Who would win in a fight, Snoopy, Dumbo or Crispy Bacon (it was the Pigs) or could Britain conquor the world centuries to early. I regularly go back to playing this game, and now over to Dan to tell us more. STOP DROOLING OVER THE BACON!

Dan: Yes, as John says this is not my favourite game in the Total War series, but that doesn't stop it being better than rolling around on a pile of women and money. Yes the AI is dreadful, but that makes it hilarious at times. Like when an enemy army outnumbers me so many times over that it was the equivilent to a right wing person in a History lesson (all my History lessons are so left-wing they might as well teach us: "Fuck Hitler, go Stalin!") and instead of attacking me they just continually reposition their men, giving me time to grind them down with archers. Anyway it has a solid campaigns, involving battles and started off how the Total War series should always be forever. Now, then to revise History. Hmmm, conservatism is shit, go liberalism! There, done.

8. Resident Evil 4 (2005)!

Dan: Right well, my favourite and the ONLY good game in the Resident Evil franchise. This series made me think, wow and I thought that Saw was bad for sequels (you know, like it wasn't shit enough the first fucking time), look at this Resident Evil list! Then roughly 2 years ago, I bought Resident Evil 5, and I liked it. What initially pissed me off about it was the accused racism (which wasn't as bad as Left 4 Dead 2, some guy called it racist because you kill one black zombie among the few million white ones you just blasted apart). Eventually I realised how shit it was, and bought Resident Evil 4. Unfortunately I bought it on the Wii, but that is a different story. Immediately I thought "fuck me, this is great!" when the Spanish (shush! Don't tell anyone I said that) village I was in suddenly went all cannibal on me, and I desperately ran around blasting zombies in the face, then kicking them away with all the force that puffy haired, must-have-legs-made-of-titanium (because he can take a bear trap to the leg and just walk it off, in real life he'd have no leg to walk it off with), unlucky fool Leon Kennedy. Yes, Ashley's cries of help are so annoying I often let her die with the sound turned down to satisfy my anger, but this is one hell of a game.

7. Beyond Good and Evil (2003)!

John: Beyond Good and Evil, one of the most painfully underrated games of all time, the fact people haven’t heard of it makes me want to bang my head against a wall constantly until I’m bleeding and I can’t remember my own name (it’s even worse when they haven’t heard of Half Life, but that's the console lot for you), it had everything you could ever wish for in a game. Diverse game play which is so diverse it feels the opposite of Saudi Arabia or the Call of Duty series, great visuals and soundtrack and extremely good characters, like a giant pig called Pey’j who would probably make great bacon. However it could hold an award for its actual achievement. It was released on all major consoles to great reviews but somehow managed to fall faster than a guys with an anvil on his back rather than a parachute, on top of a whale. Why was this, maybe the lack of advertisement, or that it was released by an unknown company? However if you did play it, it takes all the good parts out of Zelda, and murders all the awful parts by putting it into a blender and allowing it to be squashed by a truck. It was hugely accessible, and allowed you to play the game in any way you wished, except the way in which you shout the world is going to end, and place the console on your head to stop the aliens from reading your mind after you’ve exploded the TV with a nuclear missile. Play this game now or I’ll personally come round to your house and blow it up with my army of exploding topiary bushes shaped like penises off of Minecraft.

6. Metal Gear Solid 3 (2004)!

The Metal Gear Solid series, the gaming series which sounds as a whole, along with most of the characters, like one huge Sexual Metaphor. SOLID Snake hahaha. (Then again, have you ever played Call of Duty 2: Big Red One? Badly chosen title there, it makes it sound like you’re playing as a swollen bell end where you go around slapping people to death with it.) And that’s just the title, but no, it still didn’t put people off, so to try even harder to put people off playing this series, Hideo Kojima decided to put cut scenes into the game which you would only be able to watch if you have no job so instead spend all day masturbating over men crawling around in mud, while thinking about ways you can blow puppies up with nukes, kinda like George Bush. However, this still didn’t make the game awful and instead, underneath all these long cut scenes, they made one of my favourite game series of all time, the best being Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Yes it has a name that seems even more of a sexual metaphor than the rest of this series... Hahaha Snake Eater, that could mean blowjob hahaha... are jokes that mainly are thrown around like stones in Iran at a lesbian woman without a veil, however a name doesn’t make a game does it (unless it has the words Call of Duty in it) so let’s ignore that and concentrate on the game, and boy it is good with its survival game play. You need to change your Camouflage to fit in with the nearby surroundings (unlike MGS’ 4, which game me Octo Camo, a suit which makes you look like a Porn star with leather fetishes.) You also had to kill animals to eat and restore stamina (even snakes *snigger*), while you need to treat his injuries to be able to get to full health. Plus it doesn’t have Raiden, that wimpy girly cunt who looks like he’s just stepped out of ballet. In MGS 4 he even makes Cyborg Ninjas look like they would enjoy a Justin Bieber concert in Brighton. I can’t remember a game where I wish to play as somebody who would rather wave a rainbow flag instead of his enemies now red, surrender flag.

5. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (2007)!

Dan: Well 3 words sum up how great this game is: nuke, ghillie and multiplayer. Since John is taking the last one, I'll start with the first two. The campaign of this game is so compelling, even though it sounds like the most generic plot ever, so generic is could rival "hello" when you see someone. The plot revolves around Arab Terrorists, Russian communists and nuclear weapons. That sentence alone would nowadays put me off these games, like Call of Duty Black Ops where you can fight the dream American enemies all in one game: Communists, Vietnamese, British and Nazis. The only thing that's missing is a starting level in Afghanistan. Anyway this was the game that revolutionised Call of Duty and made it what it is today. Call of Duty 3 was awful but no one had ever heard of it, so that's alright. When CoD 4 came along it was beyond awesome, (particularly the nuke scene, I mean it could only have been more awesome if some naked lesbians were having sex and you got to crawl towards THEM in your dying breath) but then CoD went downhill again, as Treyarch developed the next game. Fuck, Treyarch's development must include: buy a copy of Call of Duty 4 (or rent, we're on a tight budget! You know, because we're FUCKING SHIT!), change the graphics a little to change it to a WW2 Pacific setting, then release it brand new. But I'm getting off topic. The reason the word Ghillie is on their is because of the brilliant sniping mission where stealth is your only chance of survival (unless you're on Recruit, in which case it's a bit like playing the Heavy on Team Fortress 2 against a load of idiots who don't know the controls). So to sum up, Call of Duty 4 is incredible. Over to John.

John: Call of Duty 4, or Call of Duty Before they got Shit, is obviously great and, unlike most FPS with the words Call of Duty or Medal of Honor (it’s Honour cunts) shoehorned on the front like a stripper in a physics video to get the men’s attention half way through, this has a story, not a corridor to walk down while a load of Americans wank themselves over guns before a finale were Sergeant Awesome Mcapplepie Washington Bush sticks a large American flag into the British, Nazi, Communist, Muslim’s body while Star Spangled Banner plays over the top. This, however, has all the Americans die off in the middle after they all spunk over how awesome they are causing the largest explosion in the history of awesomeness (created circa 1776 with the declaration of independence), actually no, they all die because there all retards and there trying to be heroic when instead there just stupid, and shagging a nuke, unlike the British. And now I’ve realised I’ve taken up way to much of this talking about random things instead of the multiplayer, so I’ll say, it was ok, better than the rest of the Call of Duty’s, however this still feels like a run down a long, dark tunnel with a bright light at the other end. In Layman’s terms, You Walk in, you walk out 10 days later no better off. Anyway, to wrap this up, at least the online is balanced, unlike the kill streaks on Modern Warfare 2 onwards, which punishes noobs for being noobs until they quit as it is less balanced than a man with one leg, on a Half Life see saw holding Jabba the Hutt.

4. Armed and Dangerous (2003)!

Dan: OK, this was never going to win any awards but this is an incredible game. Just like John's Beyond Good and Evil review, this game is criminally underrated. Wait a minute, you may say with your stupid hat on and your jeans half way down your arse (I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!), if Armed and Dangerous wouldn't win any awards then why is it on this list? The reason is simple: it's hilarious. It's the funniest game I've ever played in my life, by far. It makes Portal look like a Friedberg and Seltzer film. OK the gameplay is average and there isn't a huge variety of enemies but the story takes the piss out of itself in a way that makes me think "wow I love this game". I mean come on the Land-Shark gun? A gun that fires sharks that eat enemies from under the ground? And the World's Smallest Black Hole that is sort of self explanatory? These two things alone are so funny and awesome that Armed and Dangerous is an incredible game.

3. World Of Warcraft (2004)!

John: World of Warcraft, the soul sucking game which has probably ravaged the world more than a nuclear holocaust started by cats. It’s more addictive than a blended mix of heroin and cocaine seasoned with tobacco and being smoked by two naked lesbians who want a threesome, however, at one time this game would probably have been my favourite of all time. Yes it grinds more than a rock crusher with a chainsaw up its exhaust because for some reason it feels you haven’t had enough fun killing 9 of these fucking creatures already so you have to kill 1 more. It makes you feel like a serial killer working at a butchers. The whole game leaves your life about as beneficial as a polar bear in Afghanistan without a bomb. However, even though there are all these minor complaints, the game itself is actually more fun than a bath filled with money and laser weapons. They constantly add more content, and have made there more to do than in my actual life, which involves sitting on a chair writing these reviews for fuck knows who. They have steadily made it easier and the content more varied as updates are released. Especially now with Cataclysm, where they also introduce two new races, including Goblins which are basically just gnomes spray painted green and genetically modified to have big ears. They get to start off driving about in a theme park created by some engineer on crack, while the other new race are the Worgen, which seem to be populated by chimney sweeps who love Twilight, so I’m surprised they haven’t got names such as Edward, Starshine or Winky Dick. All in all, I love this game, particularly now when I don’t need to collect 10 of everything and could probably blow up the sun instead. I don’t play it anymore though, so this makes me kind of hypocritical.

Dan: The biggest problem I have with WoW is the stereotypes everyone associates with it. This guy plays WoW? WOW WHAT A LOSER HAHA! Isn't WoW that game that's killed LOADS of people? etc. etc. The actual game is spectacular, but the stereotypes have been forced into my skull so often by everyone (except the people who play WoW funnily enough) I always feel guilty when playing. Since John has pretty much said exactly what I feel about this game, the bastard, I'll just have a laugh at the controversies attached to it. WoW is a diamond for all the stupid fucking video game hating twats as it can be so addictive it has killed quite a few people. Now while they pretend to be outraged by this, I try to stop myself pissing with laughter, I mean come on, anyone who plays WoW that much must have a daily routine of: Play WoW, change adult nappy, grope to the side for peanuts, play Wow, pass out from exhaustion, come around, play WoW. Anyone who lives like that deserves to die. As you can probably tell by now, I'm struggling for things to say, so I'll rap it up here and move on to my favourite game of all time (but not the game of the decade).

2. Halo: Combat Evolved! (2001)

Dan: Words cannot describe how I feel about this game. To come even close I'd need to be mid-orgasm at the time, and since that can't happen right now, I'll just talk about different parts. The game's story is extremely original and compelling, but you will probably never hear this from anyone else except me, because... well because its the same storyline that was in Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST and Halo: Reach used it. Halo: Combat Evolved was the first and best Halo game, breathtaking gameplay for its time, wah wah the graphics were shit WELL GRAPHICS DON'T FUCKING MATTER DO THEY!?! A few minor complaints include the sometimes crap weapons, like the needler, that looks so badass at first its ass must have been sent to jail fifty times and had an ass the size of Jupiter, the needler turns out to sound like a anxious nerd trying to ask a giant wrestler where the Warhammer models are and does about as much damage as flicking peas at the enemy. To finish off, everything in the game blends together perfectly, the vehicle sections, the story, the enemies, the different environments, they all combine together to create something that became my favourite game ever. However, even though it is my favourite game, that does NOT mean it is the best game of the decade, as that is what follows:

1. Half-Life 2!

John: Half Life 2, ah Half life 2, one of the true loves in my life, like an American and Cheeseburgers. It is easily the greatest game of the last decade and perhaps all time (maybe Deus Ex, but I’ve not played that because well... I don’t know why I’ve not played it; it’s been on my computer for years.) Anyway back to Half Life 2 and just talking about it turns me into a gibbering husk bla blue de dah. YOU MONSTERS, YOU’VE JUST MADE ME BRAIN DEA... oh I’m fine. So, the graphics have aged extremely well, like an old woman addicted to Botox and still feel like they could stand up with most modern games artistically. The game is extremely fun to play through still, with its variation of enemies and puzzles, which aren’t too hard but also don’t treat you like a retard that is using his dunce cap instead of his gun. The storyline also still feels as new as a dog which can breathe fire from his mouth, and as crisp to. It is easily the best I’ve ever played in any game, especially compared to the “realistic” shooters of modern times, which consist of Bang Bang, Shoot Shoot NOW LOOK AT OUR MULTIPLAYER. It really dragged me into the story, except Gordon Freeman’s muteness, they could have offered to wax his chest as he flew into the sun and they would still have seen it as him agreeing. Perhaps he has a large palette of facial expressions. Even the best game has some faults though, such as the endless use of Headcrabs, yes we get it guys there the most popular alien WE DON’T NEED THEM CONSTANTLY. It’s like the design meeting of some level consisted of “How could we improve this level, oh I know, put another headcrab round this corner because that's never been done before.” They also use Seesaw puzzles every few seconds as well; I’ve completed more see saws than a playground planner. However it still comes through these faults and is the best game of the decade. Plus Antlions, antlions are cool. It makes me feel like Napoleon.... if he had access to aliens. Napoleon would have won with Antlions.

Dan: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG MUM GET ME A TOWEL...! I love this game. I love it. The pacing is incredible, I think it has the best pacing I've ever seen in a game, the opening levels bring you into the story and gradually build up, leaving you wanting more even after that fucking Ravenholm level. Anyway the climax of the game is breathtakingly brilliant, thanks to the pacing that leaves it easily the best part of the game. In a lot of ways, Half Life 2 is like sexual intercourse. It starts off slow and feels good, but then gets faster and faster and better and better until it climaxes, and seminal fluid sprays everywhere. Well the analogy broke down there but you get the general gist of it. As for bad points, I guess you could say the Ravenholm level, but deep down I actually see how that is pretty good level, it mixes up the normal gameplay considerably. Sure it's unbelievably annoying when a zombie pushes you off a ledge you spent half an hour getting to but... well I'm not sure where I'm going with this. The major annoyance in the game are the FUCKING loading screens. They come everytime there's a lull in the game where nothing is really going on and make it so everything stops suddenly, not very good in immersion terms. What's worse is they last for about 15 seconds, which isn't as bad as some PS3 games but is bad enough to make me cry out with frustration by the end of it. These however are tolerable compared to the epicness of the majesty of the brilliance of the... you know what who cares what I think GET THIS GAME RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW N...