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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Saturday, 23 April 2011

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

The first time I watched this film a strange thought came into my head. I thought that the writers of this pile of shit had put more effort into explaining the word "squeakquel" than they did trying to write a good film.

The first Alvin and the Chipmunks was bad, very bad, so bad it made me want to emigrate to North Korea to get away from it, but it was still bearable, in a strange, "so bad it's interesting" kind of way. What I hated the most was the ending, which pissed me the fuck off. So Ian (the Chipmunks' manager) turns so generically evil that he probably schedueled drinks with the Joker and Lex Luther the next night, locks away the chipmunks in a cat carrier, and starts to drive them away.

Then it turns out the chipmunks escaped and go back with their owner Dave, away from the life of show business.

First question: HOW THE FUCK DID THEY ESCAPE!? Simon says later on: "We're talking chipmunks Dave, we know how to get out of a cat carrier..." in such a smug, arrogant voice I want to rip out his vocal chords so he can't beg for mercy while step on him. So how does being able to talk mean you can get out of a cage?! That's like saying: "Ha ha! You fool! You cannot fire me into the sun, for I can turn invisible!" HOW IS IT ANY HELP?! And some people might say they gnawed through the bars, but when Ian "Adolf" Idiot checks on them, the bars are intact and they've replaced themselves with toy chipmunks. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY ESCAPE!?

Second question: The Chipmunks must have signed a contract right? Well, after their escape so miraculous it would have put Jesus out of his day job, why didn't Ian McStalin just go to the Chipmunks, show the contract and say "Right then, get in the car."

To summarise how I felt about the first film, I started off liking it. I'm not ashamed to admit I laughed quite a few times and enjoyed the film for about 20 minutes. And then we came to when they first started to become popular. The film lost all charm and became so unfunny so quickly it could rival an old man continuously shooting "poo" in a waiting room. The Chipmunks annoyingly went from Pop singers, to Rock singers, and then to chavvy rap singers all within the space of half an hour. By the end, I was glad I was landing in Dubai (I saw the film on a plane).

And now we come to the second one. To say I liked this film would be able to rival the Bible in the "Great Lies Awards". Watching the film was like gargling nails, both the metal kind and the finger kind. They went from one over-used, useless plot point to another, with the fluency of a malfunctioning rollercoaster. Ian Hawke is the bad guy AGAIN? Sure, whatever, I'm sure our idiot audience don't want anything original. We need an actual plot for this film? Hmmm, how about we just re-use the plot from the previous film but with girl chipmunks instead?

The film opens with the Chipmunks... at a concert, even though in the last film they said they didn't want to be in show business and wanted a normal childhood, you know, because they abandoned Ian. After a gratuitous slapstick scene that's taken straight out of Horton Hears a Who, Dave is injured, and the Chipmunks live with a guy who is constantly trying to be made out to be a bad guy taking care of the Chipmunks. From what I saw, he was doing a good enough job, taking them to school when they didn't want to, letting them in his bed when they have nightmares, but that all changes... BECAUSE HE FARTS WHEN THEODORE'S IN BED WITH HIM.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Team Fortress 2 Mini Review

For those who don't know, Team Fortress 2 is an online, class based FPS, and a damn good one. This is my favourite multiplayer in an online shooter, for quite a few reasons. I'll go through them now:

1. It's fun.

The simplest reason. The gameplay is addictive and varied, unlike Call of Duty. The game has quite a good sense of humour about itself (with all the funny little one-liners, and the ridiculous amounts of blood and gore), and is quite light-hearted. It always provides a good challenge, just when you think you're dominating the team, your enemy class will own you like a Japanese business man with a mysterious woman in an alleyway.

2. It's balanced.

The game is more balanced than completing yet another see-saw puzzle in Half-Life 2. Each class has particular strengths and weaknesses, so you can't just pick one class and own everybody. This is a massive problem with Call of Duty, as you unlock a gun later on that might as well win the bloody game for you. Anyway, I'll put this in an example: Say you're a spy, you can turn invisible and disguise yourselves as enemies, which puts you at an advantage to kill snipers, who you can just sneak up on and make a new ventilation hole in his back. However, you are not so versatile that you own every class, come face to face with a Pyro and you're going to be made into French Fries faster than you can say "Sacre Bleu!".

3. There's a class for everyone.

No matter what type of shooter gamer you are, there's a class for you. If you just like to stand there with your finger on the trigger until your enemies resemble something that belongs in a soup can, you play the Heavy, if you like stealth and sneaking, like the prick that you are, you play the Spy. It's basically the game equivilent of a schizophrenic sitting in a padded room talking to himself.

4. It's funny.

The characters crack me up more than a sledge hammer meeting fine china. The Meet the Team videos are hilarious (They're goin' have ta glue you back togetha'... IN HELL!"), and the in-game one liners catch me off guard all the time, like when the Spy puts on a Texan accent when he dominates an Engineer, or when the Sniper shouts "THANKS FOR STANDING STILL, WANKA". There's really not much to say about how funny it is, other than YOU ARE ALL WEAK, YOU ARE ALL BLEEDERS.

To summarise, this is one great game, that just missed out on a Top 10 Games of the Decade spot. It's a Valve game, so it supports my argument that they are the best game developers of all time. Call of Duty, bow down to your superior.

Friday, 15 April 2011

General Harry Potter Series Review

I've always liked Harry Potter, however when the Deathy Hallows pt 1 was released I was extremely sceptical, like a practising Jewish Israeli who is about to enter Saudi Arabia with a hangover. The reason you ask?

Well, I read the Harry Potter books a lot when I was a kid, and also went to see the films. They were great, and I still like them even to this day. What I appreciate today is the fact that the series gets darker and darker as it goes on, it builds up suspense for the final film. The forth film was my favourite, very dark, but also very good, a bit like the Dark Knight, just not as good. And then... you go the fifth. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Here's a representation of what the script meeting must have been like with the new shitty director: "Hey, guys I just had a great idea! I know I'm the new guy but hear me out! Right, you know that awesome building darkness that my predesessors had in the movies? Right well fuck that, let's just take it back to square one and have it as light hearted and puke-worthy as a child comedy about liberal rabbits and flowers!"

Yes, the moment this dick head joined, everything went downhill. The characters tried some sickening attempts at comedy, all the fairly important backstories in the book were not so much ignored as they were draped in a big black bag in the bin bag factory to fend for themselves. And all the backstories they catered to ended up being so rushed it was like they had a flight leaving in half an hour and they had to get a taxi in New York.

And if that film was shit the Half Blood Prince was even worse. It wasn't so much about Harry vs. Voldemort as it was Harry Potter Kids vs. relationships. Thinking back, I can't even think of a way to describe the plot of this film. I hated every part of it, even the ending, which was the best part of the book. It falls completely flat because a) This was very dark, but since they abandoned anything remotely dark in the last film then this was like jumping over a coffee table to find your next obstacle is Godzilla, and b) THERE WAS NO BATTLE. In the battle one character is supposed to be bitten by a werewolf, but this is ruined because the werewolf is given an introduction in almost whisper form, and the other character isn't introduced at all, which means they have to throw in some horse shit in the next film that wraps that up, ALSO IN WHISPER FORM.

Now onto the Deathly Hallows pt 1. I was not in a good mood when I went to watch it. I had been disappointed so much by the last two films I had no desire to watch this guaranteed pile of shit. But I had promised someone I'd go and see it with them, and I did.

I liked it. Quite a lot. It was no where near as good as it could have been, you know, if they kept the suspensful darkness going, but with whatever tatters of the old suspense that had left, I enjoyed it. Sure the idiot director realised he missed out on introducing, reintroducing, and developing crucial characters so they can be ready for their part in the fucking movie, but Harry Potter was back to what it was supposed to be: Harry fighting Voldemort.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Speaking of bringing back characters so quickly and carelessly it was as if coffee exploded out of their mouths on the first day of filming after settling down to read the book, only to find out they were missing 10 crucial characters; the Dobby death scene was completely ruined for me. Why? I didn't really give a shit about him. It had been 5 films since we had last see him, since all the directors seemed to want to keep him out of the film like he'd been smoking weed on set or something. Dobby was just thrown in there, and since I was expecting him to just be forgotten again I wasn't expecting it, it was around this time I began to really enjoy myself. But I was disappointed, after being brought back he disappears again until right at the end of the film when he dies.

Some people in the cinema I was in cried at this scene, I personally felt like crying for him would be like crying for an old pen pal who you lost contact with ages ago, only to receive a letter in the post saying he's died.

To wrap up the review, would I reccomend this film? Maybe. I would reccomend you watch it like this: watch films 1-4, then miss out films 5 and 6 and read the books instead. Then watch the Deathly Hallows pt 1.

Yeah, it was a good film that I enjoyed from start to finish. Fingers crossed they won't fuck up part 2.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Rofling Officer's "To Do List"

I thought I'd try something different this month, and post a few short reviews as quickly as I can, instead of the huge things I post maybe twice a month. If any reads this blog I know it'll be frustrating, but hopefully this month I can get a lot of short-ish reviews in, jam-packed with cynism and analogies a-plenty. Here is my to-do list for this month:

Homefront
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Harry Potter Review
Team Fortress 2
The Ricky Gervais Show
Bugs Bunny: Lost in Time!

Of those 6, one I have watched recently. so you can expect that either later today, or tomorrow if I'm feeling lazy.

I'll quickly go over what each of them are:

Homefront is a game released recently that I was really looking forward to, I just haven't got it yet. So I'm planning to go out and buy it, play it to death, and review it on here.

Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel (the very name makes me cringe) is the sequel to the, SPECTACULAR (no really), Alvin and the Chipmunks. I watched this film on New Years Eve, I remember it well, but now, four months later, I'm going to review it...

Everyone knows what Harry Potter is.

Team Fortress 2 is an online game, developed by Valve that I got with my copy of the Orange Box. For anyone whose interested (i.e. no one), my favourite class is the Soldier, followed closely by the Sniper and the Spy. John Smith also plays it, and he always plays as the Sniper. I'll play the shit out of the game and post a review ASAP.

I had dismissed the Ricky Gervais show numerous times, thinking with a name like that all it would be was some unfunny fat bastard, laughing so annoyingly (if that's a word) it makes me want to drill holes through my eyes. After a quick inspection through the synopsis on the internet, I found out it was actually more to do with Karl Pilkington, the acerbic standard Englishman, who I've always really liked. Can't think why... Anyway Karl is very funny, so I've decided to give it a go and watch a few episodes.

Bugs Bunny: Lost in Time! is a game I still have from when I was six. The story of the game is that Bugs Bunny accidently activates a time machine, and he can't find his way home! He needs to go through different time periods and find magic clocks that will allow him to be transported home. Expect a review for my childhood game soon.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Call of Duty Review

Which Call of Duty? you may be asking. Well today I will review: Call of Duty 21: Generic Cliche Action Stereotype.

The game starts off with a tutorial of how to play the game, if you didn't already know (which everyone does, training someone on how to play Call of Duty at this point is like trying to train Bin Laden to hate America). After the tutorial "Generic All-Action SWAT Team" (GAAST for short) get a report on their radio that some damn Islamic militants are attacking (Insert Afghan City here) and they need to go kick their asses, because they're badass Americans.

So GAAST go to the Afghan City, kill some god-darn Muslims and then shove the American flag into the sand, while a sombre trumpet tune wails over British, Asian, Muslim, Communist and Russian hating Gunnery Sergeant US Hero #56 speaks of the glorious stars and stripes, and then the entire US armed forces appear in fucking international waters, and the game ends.

By Call of Duty 21 most players didn't bother in playing the campaign so they always did a really half-arsed job making it. The story is so retarded that it should be locked in a bullet-proof room and not allowed to breed, and so generic they probably had a conveyer belt of god-awful stories with a massive change of one enemy wearing a slightly different helmet to the others, or Gunnery Sergeant US Hero #56's American flag tattoo being slightly to the left, and they just randomly stampted the one that seemed the most arbitrary so PEOPLE WILL PLAY THE MULTIPLAYER.

All Call of Duty games from CoD 5 onwards tended to imply that you play the multiplayer so heavily they might as well have paused the game every 20 seconds to remind you that there is multiplayer, but by Call of Duty 21 this had changed, you're forced to play a game of multiplayer after every 15 minutes of gameplay. Since the campaign is now around 45 minutes long, it isn't so bad.

There's also the return of the "much loved" Zombies mode, where now you get to pick your character from the Legion of Doom as they fight to protect their secret Nazi-Soviet base on Jupiter from the wrath of the zombie horde. Everything you love is back: Starting to play for the first time and not knowing how the fuck the map works but everyone else does so they say how they enjoyed sexual intercourse with my mother, the zombies story that is somehow better than the fucking game's actual story, and of course, endless repitition, because that is what Zombies is all about, boring the shit out of you until you decide to play multiplayer.

And now we get onto the main attraction: the mutliplayer that is so good that every 12 year old in the world populates every game, and the fun doesn't stop after you reach the top level because then you get to do it ALL. OVER. AGAIN. 60 TIMES. With Search and Destroy (acronym: SAD), the game so exciting that I fell asleep while waiting for the other fucking team to do something. It's like in that game mode in Left 4 Dead where when you get killed as an infected you have to wait 30 seconds.

Also returned: Capture the Flag, Flag Capturing, Demoltion, Detonation, Capture the Demolition, Search and Detonate, Capture and Destroy, Tig, Parcheesy, Team Deathmatch and who could forget about Team Search and Demolition Deathmatch.

So go, go and have fun with the new Call of Duty, but don't forget to pack enough food for when Dorothy and the Scarecrow come you FUCKING ROBOT. You want a good game, with a good story that always impresses? No, you don't because you play Call of Duty, the gaming equivilent of meeting a different Chinese person every day.