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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Call of Duty Review

Which Call of Duty? you may be asking. Well today I will review: Call of Duty 21: Generic Cliche Action Stereotype.

The game starts off with a tutorial of how to play the game, if you didn't already know (which everyone does, training someone on how to play Call of Duty at this point is like trying to train Bin Laden to hate America). After the tutorial "Generic All-Action SWAT Team" (GAAST for short) get a report on their radio that some damn Islamic militants are attacking (Insert Afghan City here) and they need to go kick their asses, because they're badass Americans.

So GAAST go to the Afghan City, kill some god-darn Muslims and then shove the American flag into the sand, while a sombre trumpet tune wails over British, Asian, Muslim, Communist and Russian hating Gunnery Sergeant US Hero #56 speaks of the glorious stars and stripes, and then the entire US armed forces appear in fucking international waters, and the game ends.

By Call of Duty 21 most players didn't bother in playing the campaign so they always did a really half-arsed job making it. The story is so retarded that it should be locked in a bullet-proof room and not allowed to breed, and so generic they probably had a conveyer belt of god-awful stories with a massive change of one enemy wearing a slightly different helmet to the others, or Gunnery Sergeant US Hero #56's American flag tattoo being slightly to the left, and they just randomly stampted the one that seemed the most arbitrary so PEOPLE WILL PLAY THE MULTIPLAYER.

All Call of Duty games from CoD 5 onwards tended to imply that you play the multiplayer so heavily they might as well have paused the game every 20 seconds to remind you that there is multiplayer, but by Call of Duty 21 this had changed, you're forced to play a game of multiplayer after every 15 minutes of gameplay. Since the campaign is now around 45 minutes long, it isn't so bad.

There's also the return of the "much loved" Zombies mode, where now you get to pick your character from the Legion of Doom as they fight to protect their secret Nazi-Soviet base on Jupiter from the wrath of the zombie horde. Everything you love is back: Starting to play for the first time and not knowing how the fuck the map works but everyone else does so they say how they enjoyed sexual intercourse with my mother, the zombies story that is somehow better than the fucking game's actual story, and of course, endless repitition, because that is what Zombies is all about, boring the shit out of you until you decide to play multiplayer.

And now we get onto the main attraction: the mutliplayer that is so good that every 12 year old in the world populates every game, and the fun doesn't stop after you reach the top level because then you get to do it ALL. OVER. AGAIN. 60 TIMES. With Search and Destroy (acronym: SAD), the game so exciting that I fell asleep while waiting for the other fucking team to do something. It's like in that game mode in Left 4 Dead where when you get killed as an infected you have to wait 30 seconds.

Also returned: Capture the Flag, Flag Capturing, Demoltion, Detonation, Capture the Demolition, Search and Detonate, Capture and Destroy, Tig, Parcheesy, Team Deathmatch and who could forget about Team Search and Demolition Deathmatch.

So go, go and have fun with the new Call of Duty, but don't forget to pack enough food for when Dorothy and the Scarecrow come you FUCKING ROBOT. You want a good game, with a good story that always impresses? No, you don't because you play Call of Duty, the gaming equivilent of meeting a different Chinese person every day.

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