A joint post by the Rofling Officer (Dan) and John Smith.
Dan: OK, my thoughts on the previous season of Doctor Who can be summed up with the words: FUCK YOU STEPHEN MOFFAT, you egg-shaped headed twat. He pummelled his way through this classic series with such a care-free destructive swagger he could put Bull in the China Shop Inc. out of business. He changed everything: the good characters we know and like, replaced the classic theme song with a musical piece that sounded like he was deliberately trying to piss off as many viewers as possible, and added a bunch of bullshit new aliens that were apparently very scary. That's the most shocking thing I've seen on television since the Tom and Jerry sodomy scene, but this isn't about that series, it's about this one. I'll let John take Part 1 of the opener.
John: There is one, and only one way to describe everything which happens in Part 1 of this opener and that is NOTHING. Nothing actually happens in this whole episode, they could have had the characters walking around Ikea for how much it matters, they don't do anything anyway. But lets get started with the opening, one of the most fucking retard openings ever. The Doctor invites basically everybody for a gang bang in the middle of the desert in the Good ol' United States, ok he invites them to sit around a campfire for no reason. This makes no sense, why are they invited to this campfire, who knows but it all culminates in the Doctor getting killed, as he got killed in his regeneration (something which is mentioned in Doctor Who as elephants fucking lettuces) surely if thats an easy way to kill him, all the enemies will have done it before, but no, all this is an easy plot device for Stephen Moffat to do nothing. So then, they go back in time, because you know, it is Dr Who, to 1969 where guess whos ther. THE DOCTOR, and he comes out being an idiot in the most unfunny way possible.... Thank you Stephen Moffat, just thanks. Anyway now let me talk to you about the accents of the characters, as now its time to meet Richard Nixon, well someguy who bears more resemblance to a crushed apricot being shoved up Brad Pitt's arse than Richard Nixon. His voice sounds like a bored robot, instead of Nixon, it is the exact opposite to Black Ops. Then theres the other main American, who may as well be called Generic Ex-FBI agent 12, he's got the voice of a Brit doing a comedic American accent. They may as well have him shout If your read your dead and DEATH TO COMMIES, USA USA USA.
Dan: The episode started, as always now, with Matt Smith's brilliant David Tennant impression, except this time with 100% more dreadful humour. A lot of the time I don't really understand what they were actually going for, it's like a guy who takes the joke one step further than everyone else and ends up destroying it, what was he trying to get at?! After a while we get into the story (I can't even say that with a straight face), something like there's a kid in Florida calling for President Nixon (who bears more resemblence to the comet from Deep Impact than Tricky Dicky) to save her from the "space man". That's really all you're going to get story-wise from this episode. The episode itself was quite baffling (which a lot of reviewers praised it for, that's a bit like saying: My dog ate my hot dog that fell on the floor, YAY, good dog), but it never had me wanting to figure out what happened like Inception did. The aliens in this episode were also praised as "the scariest Doctor Who aliens ever". WHY!? If they're going for pure gruesomeness to be scary then they've failed in creating something scary, they've created something creepy, and they are completely different things. Take the Weeping Angels. They just looked like normal angel statues, but they were shit scary. They tap into your mind and scare you psychologically. The Silence however, follow all the basic rules of being scary and fall completely flat, like Matt Smith's humour. The cliff-hanger at the end actually had me wanting to find out what happened, which was an achievment of sorts, but I definitely think something is wrong if you are grinning your way through the Doctor's death scene.
John: The Silence were some of the worst, badly implemented aliens ever used in Dr Who since that one time they had the Giant Walking Dildos. Seriously they have about as much business in this story as a Cheeseburger eating cat. They appear to have been shoved in by Stephen Moffat half way through after he realised, shit, this is Dr who, we need aliens. THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING, if they had been used right, they could have been good aliens, but there not. All of them appear to be the equivalent of Piers Morgan, slimy aliens in a suit. If the if you look away and you forget had been used properly, it could have made an extremely great story, but it didn't because... well fuck you Stephen Moffat. Anyway at the end of this first episode I already guessed the plot twist about the child, and so did a lot of people, BUT THAT MADE EVEN LESS SENSE. And not in a good, intriguing way but in a fuck it, just throw it in along with all the other shit way. It could have been figured out by a retarded monkey who claps at his own reflection in the mirror while throwing shit at aeroplanes.
Dan: If there was ever anything that pissed me off, it's a film/TV show/book that doesn't fucking explain itself. Star Wars did it with the prequels, and so did this horseshit. You know how I said I was looking forward to how they would explain the cliff hanger? Well they basically said, fuck that, let's just move on 3 fucking months, that's obviously the right way to go. Part 1 ended with Rory being killed again, and Amy shooting the girl in the Space Suit. Instead of wrapping this up, they just move on to them all being rounded up and killed, then sent to a magical prison that the FBI have in 1969 for some reason, where the Doctor is being held. But then we see that Rory, Amy and River weren't really dead, and them the FBI agent and David Tennant all run off to save the day. Wait... wait, what the FUCK was that?! What was all that? Why was it three months later? What happened to Rory? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE RANDOM GIRL IN THE SPACE SUIT?! PLEASE EXPLAIN. Anyway after this we get to some actually quite enjoyable scenes in an orphanage looking around for the Silence. These succeeded in actually scaring me, thanks to a rather clever idea involving leaving messages for yourself to tell you you'd seen the Silence. They got into your mind and scared you psychologically, with a good effect. However this could only last so long and soon we had to move on the the "ending", that will wrap everything up (PFFFFF I can't even say that with a straight face).
John: I agree about how the scenes in the orphange extremely improved the episode, scaring you psychologically, unlike the supposed Psychological Thriller Paranormal Activity, which looks more like an advert for you've been framed. Anyway, it is after this bit that we learn that the childs mother is Amy, you know, the child THEY HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT AFTER IT WAS SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEAD. Well now its back, with a little crack in the helmet, which, like most things in this episode are never explained because i'm pretty sure a shot to the face may do a little more than that. Anyway Amy then gets stuck in this place blah de blah de blah, this whole next bit is crap and just a load of people waffling on, blah de blah de blah. OH LOOK RICHARD NIXON HAS JUST STEPPED OUT THAT PRISON WHICH WAS SOME HOW AVAILABLE IN THE 60'S, WHO GAVE IT THEM, THE TOOTH FAIRY. Well after he steps out, none of the soldiers guarding it seem to bother questioning why he was in there. So there is more waffling and blah de blah de blah, fuck this, buy me some crystal meth. Until finally we now get to the actual ending. Where it turns out the Doctor made it so the TV broadcast signals which is of one of the aliens telling the people to remember them and want to kill them. Yes thats it, they may as well have had all the characters drop there pants and start hitting there head against the door. Now for more Doctor Who news about the rest of the ending, in the studio with Dan.
Dan: The ending really, really pissed me off. NOTHING WAS EXPLAINED. Why did the Silence randomly transport Amy to that TARDIS thing?! Why is the little girl a Time Lord?! Why was there an unlimited number of Silence in that TARDIS? The ending appeared extremely suddenly, and I'm still not sure why. Everything in the episode didn't link up at all, first everyone is dead, then the Doctor is in some impossible prison, then he's making changes to the Apollo 11 shuttle, then Nixon is there, then they're at an orphanage I MEAN FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! The ending kind of expanded on why the hell he was editing the Apollo 11 shuttle, but overall it was just a load of old bollocks. The two parter was baffling, and it also left so many stories so wide open it was almost like someone's insides exploded. I know that they'll probably be explained later in the series, but my patience is gone. Piss off, I don't care anymore.