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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Saturday, 30 July 2011

Call of Duty 4-7 Reviews

I'm more bored right now than I would be watching the average family film involving 2 hours of the family asleep and then the last hour of them slowly waking up and laughing, so I've decided to do a few short reviews of each Call of Duty since Cod 4.

Call of Duty 4!

The only good edition of this list, and one of the games of the decade. A really great and compelling campaign, with fairly likeable characters and a plot that sounds generic but really drew me in. The campaign also boasted the missions "All Ghillied Up" and "One Shot, One Kill", which are in my opinion the best missions in any Call of Duty game.

The multiplayer was also revolutionary, after the shitty and recycled multiplayer from Call of Duty 3, this was refreshing and all round great. Custom Classes were a good idea, and the different modes impressed me. Apart from Search and Destroy of course, the acronym appropriately being "SAD".

Call of Duty: World At War!

Treyarch went into this game believing that instead of making their game original they could just go really over the top with the gore and that would counter-balance the fact that the game is just Call of Duty 4 reskinned for World War 2. Frustratingly, they were right.

The campaign, while having the standard campaign for any World War 2 game, isn't actually that bad. There's some terrible voice acting from Jack Bauer in it, but that's not really a big deal. The feel of the campaign is just right, at least for the Japanese parts, which were entertaining and atmospheric. The shittest part of the campaign was the 4th mission which so transparently rips of the above mentioned "All Ghillied Up" (and even Enemy at the Fucking Gates), that I played through it in a state of anger.

This is where the multiplayer started to go downhill. Why? Because it was identical to Call of Duty 4's. They even tried to fucking compensate with the lack of flashbangs and stuff by putting in "flares" which had no effect at all, and "Recon Planes". It's pathetic. "Ooooohhhh," wails the fanboy. "But if the multiplayer is the same why does that mean this one's bad? You're just biased!" Well fanboy, to quote Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, you get sick of ice-cream cake if it's all you eat. Why would you want to play the exact same thing again and again with different "skins"?

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2!

Not really sure how to start this. Not only did this game force me off the Xbox for 6 months but also stopped the only non-CoD fanboy friend I had playing Xbox. I was on my own. It also introduced/popularised trick-shots.

My opinion of this game can be related to a wasp in a glass. I'm the wasp, and Modern Warfare 2 is the guy holding the glass. I'm already angry at the guy from trapping me in a glass in the first place, but every so often he'd shake the glass up, getting me even more angry. He'd do it at regular intervals too, so I was expecting them, which made them even more annoying.

To explain that confusing metaphor, I'm already angry at MW2 for being so shit, and then get even mroe angry when EVERY. SINGlE. PERSON. On my friends list plays it, every minute of every day. With no one to play with I do some random matchmaking on Halo 3 or something, but it soon gets boring with no one to play with. Which pisses me off further. So I stop playing Xbox. Months go by. It reaches May 2010, so I go on again to play the Halo: Reach beta, something I'd been looking forward to for months. Surprisingly, some friends join. All they do is say how much better CoD is though, and take the piss out of me for not playing it. So I quit that game and try again on my own. I had fun for about 2 days, but then got bored of playing on my own so I quit the beta too. Another shake of the glass, MW2. And then about 3 months later, my friend announces he's sick of MW2 and is quiting Xbox (this being one of the afore-mentioned arseholes in the beta). Apparently he had the same problem as me, I just didn't know it.

Meanwhile, trailers of Crap Ops are being released and support for MW2 declines. I crawl out from my hole and desperately buy a copy of Halo Reach. And enjoyed it. My love affair with games was back on. Xbox LIVE was saved! Rejoice! But wait...

The legacy of Modern Warfare 2 lingered on in Black Ops. The legacy of trick-shotting. No longer was it acceptable to pull of a good headshot with the scope (which is the true show of skill), no, apparently scopes are for n00bs. Instead you have to rely on complete fucking luck to hit your target now and it doesn't matter how many bullets it takes, or how many times you die like a retard, as long as you kill him with a "360 Y-Y no scope", you're good. Fuck that. And other players get angry at you for not trick-shotting. FUCK THAT.

I couldn't think of a way to review MW2 so I just put my personal experience up, and I dare you to tell me I should have enjoyed it more after reading it.

Campaign: 2/5
Graphics: Who cares/5
Multiplayer: 1/5
Spec Ops: 3/5

Overall: 1.5/5 "Shit"

Call of Duty: Black Ops!

Not as bad as Modern Warfare 2 but still not good. The campaign was at least a little better than MW2's, I say a little better because it really was absolute bullshit. Everyone made a big deal out of your character speaking and said it was the best campaign yet for that alone. Can't think of an insult foul enough, but let's just say I would probably tell them that I'd C U Next Tuesday. Motherfuckers. Anyway, where MW2's campaign made no sense at all, I almost wish that Black Ops's didn't make sense, because this makes sense in the most retardly stupid way possible. Oh all right, this is all undercover, ok, sounds cool... alright I'm sure the Soviets would notice the entire fucking US Navy in the Gulf of Mexico that had just destroyed your ship. More things explode than if a firework was dropped in a C4 and grenade factory, it gets exhausting. And they really go fucking overboard with the fucking swearing, instead of adressing the situation at hand the characters grunt 4 letter words as loud as possible, then an explosion happens. Horrible campaign that's story suffered from a hyperactive form of schizophrenia, not unlike the character "Alex Mason", who's is voiced poorly (again) by Avatar Worthington.

Anyway, onto the multiplayer. While Treyarch did try to remove quick scoping and improve balance issues, it was so half arsed I won't even bother complimenting them. The multiplayer remains identical, and outright angering now. Boring as hell, playing basically the same match again and again until you decide to play a much better game, like Halo. Yes, they've removed the ridiculous "tactical nuke" (which really begs the question why would they nuke 12 guys have a bum fight and fucking each others mothers), but there is also the stupid "Chopper Gunner", which is impossible to shoot at because the maps are so small and the chopper so high that before you can target the bloody thing you've died, and then when you spawn you die again. Then you quit.

Preview: Modern Warfare 3!

*Insert sigh and facepalm here*

What has gone from the plausable, realistic and fantastic 5th best game of the decade has just become a fucking awful fantasy game with a story imagined by the bloody Illuminati and with the same multiplayer as it started with. Watching the gameplay trailers at E3 only one thought was passing through my mind: if you played this level next to a guy playing Modern Warfare 2, I doubt even Infinity Ward would be able to tell the difference. The campaign just looks rubbish, whereas Call of Duty 4 could have been real and made you think maybe it could happen, MW3 just makes me think wow I hope WW3 actually happens to show these faggots what it would be like.

As for the Multiplayer, no footage has been released... Very strange MW2 couldn't wait to stick the multiplayer trailers down out throats, so what's the problem here? Oh yeah nothing's changed.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

A Few iPhone Game Reviews

Forgive me for repeating myself, but I hate Apple. I hate them with a passion so fierce it makes me want to rip Steve Job's iEyes (I hope that twisted your fucking Apple loving tongue) and spit in his iFace, then take a picture of his bloody and barely twitched body with my iPhone 4, which due to me holding it in my hand has lost all reception and deleted all my Facebook friends...

Alright psychopathic feelings aside, the main reason I hate Apple is how pretentious and snobbish they are. Ooohhhhh, says the average Apple cunt, we won't let you use a microsoft keyboard on your iPad, it'll make it filthy (even more filthy than your disgusting fingerprints that we charge outrageous prices for a cleaner to get them off), here, use a shitty, half arsed attempt at a keyboard DIRECTLY FROM US, MEIN FUHRER JOBS! No non-Apple product is allowed direct contact with an Apple product, it's like a technological version of Nineteen Eighty-Four. And if Apple themselves are pretentious snobs, that's nothing compared to their fans. One minute they're bragging to each other about how they got the new Big Shiny Rectangle With Apple On Back, as well as having the two identical Small Shiny Rectangle With Apple On Backs. And then they turn to the PC owner and spit in his face, declaring that Macs aren't shit and are "just better", giving no good reason. Go fanboys.

Anyway, I recently aquired an iPod Touch (don't call me a hypocrite, all the other MP3 players I've seen are awful and I've been pressured to get one of these rectangles for months now). I've got a few games for it, which I've decided to review. Before I start, one last thing: Apple, this isn't a handheld console. Now away I go (in no particular order):

Angry Birds!

Obvious start, this is the game that took the world by storm, weirdly enough. I say it's weird because on free game sites I've played about a hundred clones of Angry Birds, or the basis gameplay of it anyway. This isn't to say the game's bad, as I quite like this format, it just isn't innovative that's all. Play Crush the Castle and then play Angry Birds, it feels exactly the same. The game is inherently satisfying for people who hate birds (i.e. me, fucking things chirping away at ridiculous hours then expecting to be fed after murdering countless amounts of worms, fuck off), and also is satisfying for the simple things, such as the pigs taking bruises and exploding when they die, the Islamic Extremist Bird, the bird that has what appears to be an explosive egg/shit (which makes you wonder what the hell the babies are made of), and the minature blue bird, which morphs into 3. All pretty standard upgrades for this type of game again, so it isn't impressive. Meh sums it up really. It's not bad, but it isn't original or particularly good.

Doodle Jump!

Another popular title, and rightly so. Nice looking, and VERY addictive (no idea why it says that in the fucking title, not a very good selling point), this is probably the game I've played most often, purely because it DOESN'T FUCKING TAKE A DECADE TO LOAD. The premise is simple, if depressing, control the monster with a cock for a mouth, and jump up the screen on platforms for all eternity. When you encounter other evil monsters there's an infuriatingly fiddly shooting mechanic in which you fire what appears to be balls of spunk out of your cock/mouth. It's nearly impossible to shoot at the things and focus on bouncing on the platforms so I just jab the screen rapidly and hope for the best, which 9 times out of 10 leads to another frustrating death. And a tutorial wouldn't go amiss either, it says it's all simplistic and then you see some writing saying tap to shoot and before you can you've hit the monster and froth is coming out of your mouth. Frustration is a key part of this game, one example of mine would be 1000 or so whatevers away from my record, when a monster appears above me so I shoot, and a few feet above that monster some writing is in the wall, telling me not to shoot, but to jump on it. It's lucky my iPod has a casing.

Doodle God!

The worst game I've got currently, a boring and all-round shit affair in which you play God combining elements. It's boring and tedious to start with, and gets even worse about 10 elements in when you take about 2 hours to find two elements that react. I'm now about 150 elements in and go on every other day or so to see what the hint is. A really shit game, I go through an element every other day, crap and boring. Can't really think of much else to say because there's nothing to the game, just tedium, so let's move on.

Fruit Ninja!

Another popular game, and quite fun, when you're in the mood for it. Slicing the fruit is satisfying so it fits into the GTA Prostitute Murdering for winding down from a bad day at work. It's simplicity is also a main drawback as within 10 minutes of play you have to rely on your determination to beat your last score to continue playing, which I rarely have (I don't give two flying shits about high scores). I say this but everytime I play the game a little part of my mind betrays me and begs me to play to win, so I do. And I have fun. And I curse my weakness. I am no stranger to embarrassment (only last week I was defeated by a fucking slice of pizza in Pizza Hut... for fucks' sake), but being outwitted by myself is new even to me. An enjoyable, if restricted game. Recommended. Next.

MX Mayhem!

Ah finally! A game where arseholes who do tricks on motorbikes are portrayed as arseholes. I said slicing fruit was satisfying, it's nothing compared to deliberately crashing your arsehole rider into the side of a hill and watching him fall, limbs flailing in all directions, and finally smacking his skull against a jagged rock. Well, for five minutes anyway. After that dying just gets frustrating like in any other game. Because of this it turns into a generic bike game really, just without added points for doing tricks (Thank God). Quite fun, and a good time filler. Again, meh sums it up.

Well that was a few brief reviews of the world of iPhone games, which I wouldn't recommend getting into as you have to give your money to Lord Jobs, and you know, fuck him and all that. If you've already got an iPhone/iPod/iPad without listening to my warning (you cock), then for the love of God, DO NOT BUY DOODLE GOD!

Thank you again for your time, I've had fun typing this on my PC.

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Diary of Pordit Bronzebeard July 3rd

It's been ages since I've written in this, the bloody thing was washed down the river and we've only just a new one. So after killing gnolls and murlocs we discovered clues that pointed to the Defias as the ones behind the recent murders, and sure enough Vanessa VanCleef came into the open and openly attacked sentinel hill! Stoutmantle sent us to Varian to get help, so I change my appearance before going to him. After telling him of the situation I took a stupid chance and begged for his aid to get my treacherous nephew off of MY throne. He set his guards on me, believing me a traitor and it was only because of Jonith's quick thinking and a new haircut that we managed to escape. Stoutmantle sent us to Redridge Mountains for the time being, and I am currently in the beautiful town of Lakeshire as I write this.