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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Thursday, 28 July 2011

A Few iPhone Game Reviews

Forgive me for repeating myself, but I hate Apple. I hate them with a passion so fierce it makes me want to rip Steve Job's iEyes (I hope that twisted your fucking Apple loving tongue) and spit in his iFace, then take a picture of his bloody and barely twitched body with my iPhone 4, which due to me holding it in my hand has lost all reception and deleted all my Facebook friends...

Alright psychopathic feelings aside, the main reason I hate Apple is how pretentious and snobbish they are. Ooohhhhh, says the average Apple cunt, we won't let you use a microsoft keyboard on your iPad, it'll make it filthy (even more filthy than your disgusting fingerprints that we charge outrageous prices for a cleaner to get them off), here, use a shitty, half arsed attempt at a keyboard DIRECTLY FROM US, MEIN FUHRER JOBS! No non-Apple product is allowed direct contact with an Apple product, it's like a technological version of Nineteen Eighty-Four. And if Apple themselves are pretentious snobs, that's nothing compared to their fans. One minute they're bragging to each other about how they got the new Big Shiny Rectangle With Apple On Back, as well as having the two identical Small Shiny Rectangle With Apple On Backs. And then they turn to the PC owner and spit in his face, declaring that Macs aren't shit and are "just better", giving no good reason. Go fanboys.

Anyway, I recently aquired an iPod Touch (don't call me a hypocrite, all the other MP3 players I've seen are awful and I've been pressured to get one of these rectangles for months now). I've got a few games for it, which I've decided to review. Before I start, one last thing: Apple, this isn't a handheld console. Now away I go (in no particular order):

Angry Birds!

Obvious start, this is the game that took the world by storm, weirdly enough. I say it's weird because on free game sites I've played about a hundred clones of Angry Birds, or the basis gameplay of it anyway. This isn't to say the game's bad, as I quite like this format, it just isn't innovative that's all. Play Crush the Castle and then play Angry Birds, it feels exactly the same. The game is inherently satisfying for people who hate birds (i.e. me, fucking things chirping away at ridiculous hours then expecting to be fed after murdering countless amounts of worms, fuck off), and also is satisfying for the simple things, such as the pigs taking bruises and exploding when they die, the Islamic Extremist Bird, the bird that has what appears to be an explosive egg/shit (which makes you wonder what the hell the babies are made of), and the minature blue bird, which morphs into 3. All pretty standard upgrades for this type of game again, so it isn't impressive. Meh sums it up really. It's not bad, but it isn't original or particularly good.

Doodle Jump!

Another popular title, and rightly so. Nice looking, and VERY addictive (no idea why it says that in the fucking title, not a very good selling point), this is probably the game I've played most often, purely because it DOESN'T FUCKING TAKE A DECADE TO LOAD. The premise is simple, if depressing, control the monster with a cock for a mouth, and jump up the screen on platforms for all eternity. When you encounter other evil monsters there's an infuriatingly fiddly shooting mechanic in which you fire what appears to be balls of spunk out of your cock/mouth. It's nearly impossible to shoot at the things and focus on bouncing on the platforms so I just jab the screen rapidly and hope for the best, which 9 times out of 10 leads to another frustrating death. And a tutorial wouldn't go amiss either, it says it's all simplistic and then you see some writing saying tap to shoot and before you can you've hit the monster and froth is coming out of your mouth. Frustration is a key part of this game, one example of mine would be 1000 or so whatevers away from my record, when a monster appears above me so I shoot, and a few feet above that monster some writing is in the wall, telling me not to shoot, but to jump on it. It's lucky my iPod has a casing.

Doodle God!

The worst game I've got currently, a boring and all-round shit affair in which you play God combining elements. It's boring and tedious to start with, and gets even worse about 10 elements in when you take about 2 hours to find two elements that react. I'm now about 150 elements in and go on every other day or so to see what the hint is. A really shit game, I go through an element every other day, crap and boring. Can't really think of much else to say because there's nothing to the game, just tedium, so let's move on.

Fruit Ninja!

Another popular game, and quite fun, when you're in the mood for it. Slicing the fruit is satisfying so it fits into the GTA Prostitute Murdering for winding down from a bad day at work. It's simplicity is also a main drawback as within 10 minutes of play you have to rely on your determination to beat your last score to continue playing, which I rarely have (I don't give two flying shits about high scores). I say this but everytime I play the game a little part of my mind betrays me and begs me to play to win, so I do. And I have fun. And I curse my weakness. I am no stranger to embarrassment (only last week I was defeated by a fucking slice of pizza in Pizza Hut... for fucks' sake), but being outwitted by myself is new even to me. An enjoyable, if restricted game. Recommended. Next.

MX Mayhem!

Ah finally! A game where arseholes who do tricks on motorbikes are portrayed as arseholes. I said slicing fruit was satisfying, it's nothing compared to deliberately crashing your arsehole rider into the side of a hill and watching him fall, limbs flailing in all directions, and finally smacking his skull against a jagged rock. Well, for five minutes anyway. After that dying just gets frustrating like in any other game. Because of this it turns into a generic bike game really, just without added points for doing tricks (Thank God). Quite fun, and a good time filler. Again, meh sums it up.

Well that was a few brief reviews of the world of iPhone games, which I wouldn't recommend getting into as you have to give your money to Lord Jobs, and you know, fuck him and all that. If you've already got an iPhone/iPod/iPad without listening to my warning (you cock), then for the love of God, DO NOT BUY DOODLE GOD!

Thank you again for your time, I've had fun typing this on my PC.

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