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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Top 10 Gaming Characters Collab.

Dan: So after how much we both enjoyed doing the Top 10 Games of the Decade, we both thought that we should do another one of that kind, this time about Gaming characters. We talked for a bit while having a game of Team Fortress 2 or World of Warcraft, and narrowed it down to these 10. Take it away, John:

#10: Nathan "Nate" Drake!

John: Nathan Drake is now a bigger name on PlayStation 3 than hacking for some strange reason. He’s possibly one of the most unlikeable gaming characters ever, and in this list I’m including the game where you could play Hitler raping kittens, which I just made up. His wisecracks make me more nauseous than a sex scene involving the Honey Monster and Tony the Tiger, while spinning around. He is also just a smart arse cock who thinks he’s funnier than a fat person slipping on a banana skin. I did enjoy the Uncharted games though, having good stories and being quite fun to play, but all I had to do to stop myself from clawing my ear drum out with two gerbils is to cover my ears while he speaks.... with concrete. He’s the posterboy of the Playstation 3 now as well, so he just qualifies for our list (I prefer Victor Sullivan anyway.)

#9 Captain John Price!

John: Captain Price (This is including both the Modern Warfare series one, and also his lookalike/ grandfather in Call of Duty 1 and 2) has been one of my favourite gaming characters ever since his British stoicism and handlebar moustache which looks like it’s held up by Tea and crumpets, was rescued in Call of Duty 1. His character represents all that is British about everything, and he may as well wear a top hat and constantly call everyone Guv’nor. He made the same impact when he first appeared in Call of Duty 4 (R.I.P the Call of Duty series, this being the last good one, may the true you never be forgotten), and the cliffhanger ending was more amazing than a room full of naked women and money. Oh and then Modern Warfare 2 made everyone more retarded than a hand puppet trying to perform brain surgery, so we’ll forget about that butchering his story.

Dan: Yeah Captain Price is pretty cool, he looks hilarious, just like General Melchett from Blackadder Goes Forth. His lines however, are NOT believable, like in Call of Duty 4 he says "That's what I would've done but your arse had all the C4,". The way he says this makes him sound like a 6 year old slowly reading out lines from a badly written piece of card. But whatever, he quotes Churchill in MW2, so he's awesome in my books. He's probably the only genericly British character I've ever actually liked in a game. I don't really have much to say about him, he's a really funny British stereotype and a joy to play with up until Modern Warfare 2, where he just about let me play the game without jamming electric rods up my nostrils.

#8 The Heavy (TF2)!

John: Team Fortress 2, is by all accounts a funny game, but still, I think the main, and funniest character on it is the Heavy, a cross between Joseph Stalin and a snowman with a fondness for sandwiches. Yes he takes damage and hits like a tank firing nuclear missiles in a war against the smurfs, but that's just all part of his appeal (and even then the Pyro still makes me want to break my computer.) In the whole time that Team Fortress has been out he has become the main character of the online game, which is why he is 1 of 2 Valve characters on this list, and if you don’t agree you probably have a cock's name and like anime, you cunt.

#7 Mario!

Dan: Like it or hate it, Mario helped make gaming into the massive multi-billion pound business it is today. I have some respect for the character, after all he was in great games like Donkey Kong (under the alias of Jump-Man) and Super Mario Bros. 1 and 3. If you don't know why 2 is hated so much you are retarded. It is the most well known gaming anecdote ever, it would be like asking what the UN is or why is there is sliced bread. Saying this, the character is anything but likeable. He fucking wastes his time saving Princess Peach again and again and again until you just wish Bowser was dead (well he does die in every single game, but he's brought back so he can try out the next stupid gimmick), and it is literally impossible to connect to him, trying to connect to Mario is like trying to connect emotionally to a lamp that is never turned on. As awful a character as Mario is, he was for years the face of gaming, so deserves some recognition.

#6 Solid Snake (Erect Penis)

Solid Snake has possibly the most erotic name in gaming since Titty Mcvagina, so it stops you from taking anything he says more seriously than a three headed tortoise giving a speech about a giant talking arse. He throws himself into ever situation with a leather suit based on those worn by an 80’s pornstar probably. But if you look round all this, then you will see there is a lot to this character and his story, going more into philosophy than a philosophising pumpkin who philosophises. It is one of the best in gaming, along with that of his father’s, and I felt emotion the ending of Metal Gear Solid 4 when I rounded up the story perfectly. But wait their making a new game with fucking Raiden, yes, I’m tying my noose right now as Metal Gear Solid gets royally raped up the arse. As long as it doesn’t involve Snake though, it’ll be fine. Snakes survival style stealth is also some of the best I have ever seen in gaming, and getting through levels making guards less alert than if they saw a rock is still statisfying. Doesn’t stop me wanting to curb stomp Raiden into the centre of the earth though, but I’m well within my rights to do that considering he whines more than a creaky door in the wind.

#5 Bolvar Fordragon/The Lich King!

John: Bolvar Fordragon, possibly the most random and out of place character on this list other than the one who lists his favourite book as Mein Kampf (Joke attributed to Dan) and goes out of his way to run over deer. So I probably need to explain this to the uneducated/horde players (probably the same people) out there. I have thought of Bolvar Fordragon as my favourite and most bad ass character in World of Warcraft (and maybe complete Warcraft lore along with Broxigar) ever since the vanilla game, after the Blackrock quest line, which resulted in him kicking more dragon arse than a man with a lizard fetish, and was one of the most amazing things I saw in the game, resulting with Onyxia’s unmasking. However then Varian returned, and I was wondering what they were going to do with this amazing character, I worried they would even get rid of him completely, but when he turned up to help me fight Thel’zan it was like Jesus had come again.... with naked girls. One thing and another eventually lead to the Wrath gate, and to my horror, he was killed, Fuck Sake Blizz, they may as well have told me I was adopted and my real parents where millionaires with flying ponies. However when he returned in the most fucking bad ass way possible, after defeating the Lich king, it gave me goose bumps like the time in Vanilla, and making him become the Lich King finally gave this amazing character the respect he deserves in the god damn game. Now here’s a convenient segway onto Dan speaking about the Lich King with as much enthusiasm as if he’s been offered up for castration.

Dan: Yeah the Lich King is pretty good, he creates a bit of atmosphere when he's about but of all the spoof videos I've seen about the cunt every time I see him I just piss myself at the "Arthas! Time for bed line from World of Workcraft!" His voice is incredibly generic too, it's basically JC Denton shouting in a steel bin. Yes he does evil things but if you want to care about them then don't take them seriously. Because of the retarded fucking way people die in WoW with that same sound effect every time it just becomes laughable. And if this sounds like I don't like the Lich King that you, you're right. If you want a good villain go knock on Sauron's door or the Joker from the Dark Knight. The Lich King is basically Sauron with the WICH KING's voice and appearance and motivations and everything else. So yeah, if you want a half decent villain but can't take him seriously, see the Lich King, if you want an INTERESTING villain, see the Joker from the Dark Knight (not from before that though when the most evil thing he does is spray paint a museum like a teenage hoodlum).

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Games I Will Be Getting...

Now that the diary is finally out of the way, I can put up other blog posts. This one, will contain a list of games I will be getting by the end of the year, and will maybe post some reviews. But for now, I give you some previews, starting with this one:

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim!

Yes, one of my most hotly anticipated games of the last 4 years. The gameplay has made it look brilliant, with dramatic improvements over Oblivion, with quite a few world alterations that I think will be great. Oh and they've brought back another famous name they'll probably kill off straight away, ala Patrick Stewart and Liam Neeson.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution!

The original is shaping up to be a great game so far, so if this continues and doesn't end shittily or just turn awful half way through, then this will be a pretty good game to get (I might also get Deus Ex: Invisible War, but from what I've seen its as badly-received as an amputation of the cock, so I just hope Human Revolution doesn't jump back for a complementary castration.

Dead Island (maybe)!

Yes I was at first interested in Dead Island after seeing the excellent cinematic trailer that played in reverse, I thought "Wow a zombie game that doesn't revolve around the misadventures of a couple of 20-something drunken buffoons cutting zombies up with axes." So you can imagine my rage when I turned on the gameplay the trailer and say four louts ala Left 4 Dead 2 hitting up zombies with axes. I thought that the game would have normal characters like parents who actually have morals and are reluctant to chop up zombies like oranges on Fruit Ninja, but no we've just got Ellis/Coach from L4D2 copy and pasted AGAIN. But I don't know, may it'll be worth a look in.

Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary!

Yes this game is my second favourite game of all time in my favourite game franchise of all time but I probably won't get this. Reasons? 1. It will give the impression that I approve of getting the same game AGAIN just because it has updated graphics, and 2. I just don't think 343 Industries have left it bloody alone. They said "It's still classic Halo: CE, we've just updated the graphics (which is irritating in itself as they're charging £40 for the same game I bought 10 years ago)", but I don't believe them. They've probably done a few "tweaks" to make it better, and these will probably defeat the great reputation of this game. So, yeah. Meh.

Warhammer 40k: Space Marine!

Even though the actual board game is so incredibly boring it gives new meaning to the word "board", I liked Dawn of War. Not Dawn of War 2, after the good first one this was like having a nice peaceful backrub then the masseuse drives a knife covered with salt into your back. So I was already slightly inclined to like this game. I only really started to look foward to it when I found out it wasn't a realistic cover shooter (we've had a tidal wave of these recently, I've had more experience popping up of cover than I have fucking breathing). Finally a game that has the balls to do something different with the genre.

So the other day I downloaded the demo and played it. And loved it. It was all I was looking forward to, and then some. Loved every second of it, and was actually disappointed when I finished it. This demo propelled this game to my games of the year predictions.

Battlefield 3!

Pretty simple one, even though it's a realistic shooter, I much much prefer the look of this to Modern Warfare 3. Well, me and about 10 million other arseholes on YouTube. There's not really much I can say about BF3 in this preview, because I can't really think of stuff to say without playing it. So that's it. Yeah... I know it's a disappointing.

But if you think this was too short, hopefully the next one will make up for it:

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3!

I literally sighed deeply as I typed those words, but looking even further up to the Dead Island preview I just gave myself a little slap. "Shame on you Daniel JC James Levinius Barker," I said to myself, "How can you complain that zombie games always use the same protaganists when MW3 is coming out, YET ANOTHER COVER BASED REALISTIC SHOOTER." Every shooter and it's dog and it's dog's food is a cover based one now a days. WHY can I not find a shooter like Doom, where I can charge through rooms at Warp Factor 9 and blast everything to pieces with a huge rocket launcher that would bend my spine in half.

Well that's an entire paragraph wasted, so anyway Modern Warfare 3: Am I looking forward to it? NO. Do I have any hope for it? YES. After all it's partially made by the same people who made Call of Duty 4, the gaming equivilent of getting sucked off in the Cadbury factory in Dubai. But then again I watched the Multiplayer trailer, turned that off, watched the Modern Warfare 2 trailer and scratched my head wondering which was which. I'm not being sarcastic, that is actually what I did. Seriously I hear my arsehole friends who have fucking countdowns to this piece of shit on their iPhones talking about it and they were jizzing themselves at the idea of yet another rip off from Halo fucking Reach.

Another reason I had some hope for the Multiplayer is that it was made by Raven Software, who I thought would at least take a single step forward to try and make it different. Looks like I'm wrong. And don't get me FUCKING started on how the story is looking, WHY MUST THE GAMEPLAY BE 'REALISTIC' AND HAVE A STORY THAT CAN ONLY BE THOUGHT UP BY A MAN SITTING IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL EATING FLOWERS. I knew that Modern Warfare 2 had just given up on the realistic thing (one of the things that made CoD 4 so good) by the time General Sheperd kills you for no reason (that was the most annoying gaming experiences I've ever had).

I want to make this perfectly clear: I am getting this game because I know for a fact that it is the only game that people will play for about 7 months. Other better games like Warhammer 40k: Space Marine will be abandoned within 2 hours of play to get the Red Dot Sight on your Ak 47 or whatever the fuck. Xbox Live has become a bleak world, where whenever people are not on Black Ops multiplayer they're playing Zombies because they're MENTALLY DEFECTIVE.