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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Games I Will Be Getting...

Now that the diary is finally out of the way, I can put up other blog posts. This one, will contain a list of games I will be getting by the end of the year, and will maybe post some reviews. But for now, I give you some previews, starting with this one:

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim!

Yes, one of my most hotly anticipated games of the last 4 years. The gameplay has made it look brilliant, with dramatic improvements over Oblivion, with quite a few world alterations that I think will be great. Oh and they've brought back another famous name they'll probably kill off straight away, ala Patrick Stewart and Liam Neeson.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution!

The original is shaping up to be a great game so far, so if this continues and doesn't end shittily or just turn awful half way through, then this will be a pretty good game to get (I might also get Deus Ex: Invisible War, but from what I've seen its as badly-received as an amputation of the cock, so I just hope Human Revolution doesn't jump back for a complementary castration.

Dead Island (maybe)!

Yes I was at first interested in Dead Island after seeing the excellent cinematic trailer that played in reverse, I thought "Wow a zombie game that doesn't revolve around the misadventures of a couple of 20-something drunken buffoons cutting zombies up with axes." So you can imagine my rage when I turned on the gameplay the trailer and say four louts ala Left 4 Dead 2 hitting up zombies with axes. I thought that the game would have normal characters like parents who actually have morals and are reluctant to chop up zombies like oranges on Fruit Ninja, but no we've just got Ellis/Coach from L4D2 copy and pasted AGAIN. But I don't know, may it'll be worth a look in.

Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary!

Yes this game is my second favourite game of all time in my favourite game franchise of all time but I probably won't get this. Reasons? 1. It will give the impression that I approve of getting the same game AGAIN just because it has updated graphics, and 2. I just don't think 343 Industries have left it bloody alone. They said "It's still classic Halo: CE, we've just updated the graphics (which is irritating in itself as they're charging £40 for the same game I bought 10 years ago)", but I don't believe them. They've probably done a few "tweaks" to make it better, and these will probably defeat the great reputation of this game. So, yeah. Meh.

Warhammer 40k: Space Marine!

Even though the actual board game is so incredibly boring it gives new meaning to the word "board", I liked Dawn of War. Not Dawn of War 2, after the good first one this was like having a nice peaceful backrub then the masseuse drives a knife covered with salt into your back. So I was already slightly inclined to like this game. I only really started to look foward to it when I found out it wasn't a realistic cover shooter (we've had a tidal wave of these recently, I've had more experience popping up of cover than I have fucking breathing). Finally a game that has the balls to do something different with the genre.

So the other day I downloaded the demo and played it. And loved it. It was all I was looking forward to, and then some. Loved every second of it, and was actually disappointed when I finished it. This demo propelled this game to my games of the year predictions.

Battlefield 3!

Pretty simple one, even though it's a realistic shooter, I much much prefer the look of this to Modern Warfare 3. Well, me and about 10 million other arseholes on YouTube. There's not really much I can say about BF3 in this preview, because I can't really think of stuff to say without playing it. So that's it. Yeah... I know it's a disappointing.

But if you think this was too short, hopefully the next one will make up for it:

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3!

I literally sighed deeply as I typed those words, but looking even further up to the Dead Island preview I just gave myself a little slap. "Shame on you Daniel JC James Levinius Barker," I said to myself, "How can you complain that zombie games always use the same protaganists when MW3 is coming out, YET ANOTHER COVER BASED REALISTIC SHOOTER." Every shooter and it's dog and it's dog's food is a cover based one now a days. WHY can I not find a shooter like Doom, where I can charge through rooms at Warp Factor 9 and blast everything to pieces with a huge rocket launcher that would bend my spine in half.

Well that's an entire paragraph wasted, so anyway Modern Warfare 3: Am I looking forward to it? NO. Do I have any hope for it? YES. After all it's partially made by the same people who made Call of Duty 4, the gaming equivilent of getting sucked off in the Cadbury factory in Dubai. But then again I watched the Multiplayer trailer, turned that off, watched the Modern Warfare 2 trailer and scratched my head wondering which was which. I'm not being sarcastic, that is actually what I did. Seriously I hear my arsehole friends who have fucking countdowns to this piece of shit on their iPhones talking about it and they were jizzing themselves at the idea of yet another rip off from Halo fucking Reach.

Another reason I had some hope for the Multiplayer is that it was made by Raven Software, who I thought would at least take a single step forward to try and make it different. Looks like I'm wrong. And don't get me FUCKING started on how the story is looking, WHY MUST THE GAMEPLAY BE 'REALISTIC' AND HAVE A STORY THAT CAN ONLY BE THOUGHT UP BY A MAN SITTING IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL EATING FLOWERS. I knew that Modern Warfare 2 had just given up on the realistic thing (one of the things that made CoD 4 so good) by the time General Sheperd kills you for no reason (that was the most annoying gaming experiences I've ever had).

I want to make this perfectly clear: I am getting this game because I know for a fact that it is the only game that people will play for about 7 months. Other better games like Warhammer 40k: Space Marine will be abandoned within 2 hours of play to get the Red Dot Sight on your Ak 47 or whatever the fuck. Xbox Live has become a bleak world, where whenever people are not on Black Ops multiplayer they're playing Zombies because they're MENTALLY DEFECTIVE.

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