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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Christmas and 2012 Music - Belated Day 16/4 Advent Rant


Jooseman: Jesus Christ this is late. Blame the Rofling Officer.

Rofling Officer: It’s the most wonderful time of the year according to Andy Williams. Unfortunately this timeless message comes in the form of an incredibly monotonous Christmas song. SPEAKING OF WHICH, welcome to Jooseman and I’s rundown of some of the worst Christmas songs we could think of, which will be another part of our Advent Calendar.

Jooseman: So here we are, reviewing music. I'm possibly the most hypocritical bastard since PETA tried to make my skin into a coat. After I did the huge rant last week about how I hate pretty much all music critics for being pretentious fucks, and now I am doing this myself, thus showing once and for all I am the greatest person in the universe. Then again, Christmas Music can't really be considered music anyway, more a guy hammering strawberry jelly into your brain over and over again. Now on to the first song.

Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard

Joose: Ah Cliff Richard, that man who at a mention, will instantly cause all women above the age of 60 to drop their pants and start to masturbate furiously . Every Christmas he turns up like an annoying wart on a very warty person, to sing in a voice which sounds as if he has some guy shoving bags of gravel down his throat, and this song is no different.  The song has the monotone styling's of harmonizing Daleks, as he sings about wine and mistletoe. He may as well be singing about mistletoe and incinerating Father Christmas in a furnace for how related those two things are, it would make a better song anyway. I would make jokes about the video itself, but him gliding around possibly the most prickish imaginary village possible is extremely boring to talk about. Then again, he is still releasing shirtless calendars at seemingly the age of 296 years old, so he must be doing something right.

RO: Even just thinking about writing these words makes me ill: Cliff Fucking Richard. Oh Christ(mas)… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t tell you how much I despise this man, he’s hideous and always was, no matter what he thinks (by now his ego is so enormous that he has to book an entire train cart to rest it in), and he’s an appalling and smarmy singer. Hence, one of the worst Christmas songs of all time: Mistletoe and Wine… Watching this cunt sing the song is like ripping out each pube one by one with solidified semen, but it rubs off onto your hands with the pubes and you find out it wasn’t semen all along, but super glue (I don’t know where I’m going with this, I hate this song so much). It’s also repetitive to the point of brain trauma, and excruciating to the point where I have castrated myself through cringing. Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine/ makes me want to commit some crimes/ put Cliff on the fire/ And watch him scream/ A time to rejoice when your PC blue-screens.

8 Days of Christmas - Destiny's Child

Joose: Now for the biggest ear exploding travesty since I shoved a Tnt fed marmoset into them. The song has the musical styling's of a dead parrot in a wind machine. How can anybody listen to this song without very slowly going insane and systematically commit genocide on anybody who even dares pick up a microphone to sing. But that's just me thinking about what I would do if I ruled the world. I wish I did. The video itself is a load of consumer obssessed, scantily clad women, walking around a shop, buying shit and seemingly giving blowjobs to cashiers on the side. It's basically the worlds shittest description of Capitalism ever, like if Karl Marx happened to have a prostitute habit while writing the Communist Manifesto. But that's an alternate History scenario for you.

RO: Destiny’s Child… what have you done? Imagine crossing the Human Centipede with Pretty Woman, and you get the feeling I get when I listen to this… This truly is the worst butchering of a classic I’ve ever seen, it’d be like making Bugs Bunny in!... Schindler’s List or have an appalling girl band make a traditional song all about being a superficial whore. The singing/rapping/squalling doesn’t match the music at all, it just makes me imagine the guys recording the music were hired from the top of the nearest building and mixed the track with suicidal thoughts going through their head. Truly, the only thing that slightly redeems this song is Destiny’s Child singing and dancing in incredibly tight fitting Santa outfits anytime they sing it. An awful Christmas song, but ironically is truly reflective of what human beings are like, so kudos Destiny’s Child, you’re geniuses. On the 8th Day of Christmas my Baby Gave to Me/ a chloroform soaked rag so I can’t fucking sing/On the 7th Day of Christmas My baby Gave to Me/a knife to my brain and a hrblegrblesrbling… (collapses dead).

Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney

Joose: Ah, Wonderful Christmastime, a song which has so many synthesisers popping out of it like your intestines after you catch the Ebola virus, but also a song by one of the greatest musical geniuses of all time, Paul McCartney, yet it still ended up shitter than a cats litter tray after you force fed it laxatives you horrible fuck. The song has the lyrical capabilities of a lobotomised dog, as Paul McCartney sings while sounding half constipated. The video itself is almost not even worse discussing, as it switches between him singing in a smoke filled room, which after the song you wish was Carbon Monoxide, and to some depressed looking families. This is what the musical genius behind songs like Let it Be and Hey Jude did. I think I'll cry.

RO: Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas time is one of those songs I feel so bad for. It’s like if you googled an ex-girlfriend to try and hook up with again now Satan is in danger of tripping over your standards to find out they’d been committed after attempting to eat a live rodent: it could have been something special, but it just tastes of the plague. Paul McCartney is a living British icon, and one of the greatest musicians of our time, but this song is shit. It barely even SOUNDS like Paul McCartney; just sounds like a speech synthesiser set to cliché mode which some guy making beats off of that. Granted, it’s good for dancing to at Christmas parties, but every other aspect of the song makes it sound quite reprehensively appalling. I’m afraid to actually attack this song or the artist as I have so much respect for him, so let’s just leave it at this song is disappointing drab and plain bad… I can’t do the song lyrics thing for this one, it’s too depressing…

Last Christmas - Wham

Joose: Last Christmas, now coming to any shopping centre music player near you, with nonsensical lyrics, apparently about a butcher giving away any leftovers to people for Christmas before having his heart broken by you. YOU BASTARD. The song is played so much at Christmas, you feel like the song would induce an aneurysm in a deaf person. The song represents what Christmas means, if, for Christmas, you happened to want to kill any last vestiges of humanity in the world. I sure do, so why don't you? Also we may be doing something special with this song.

RO: Wham are one of those really old boy bands that just seem creepy now that all the members have grown into grizzled middle aged men, same with people like David Bowie and the Lockerbie bomber (holy shit). Then again even at the time their music was shit, and I was born in 1996 for fuck’s sake. This is a prime example of using Christmas just to choke out another love song that will rake in the pennies. To quote the great philosopher Adam Levine, “if I hear one more fuckin’ love song I’ll be sick” Now I’m at a payphone… writing this down for you all to read you lucky bastards, and it just occurred to me that I don’t hate this song as much as I think I do, because this Friday I’ll be singing it for you ,you lucky shits! Check the channel for that. Anyway: the song is drearily boring and predictable, and it’s nothing you haven’t heard a billion times before in other better and worse songs. It’s a popcorn song; nothing brand new and exciting, just something you stick on at tedious get togethers to delay the inevitable realisation that we’re all going to die (possibly on the 21st of December [note to morons, this won’t happen]). Good for white noise, but little else. Last Christmas, I ripped out my heart/Then the very next day/I gave it to you/This year, to save me from jail/I’ll keep to my restraining order, order…

Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

Joose: Finally a good Christmas song, and one of the few which can keep me sane around Christmas time. I don't know why, it just seems to sum up mine, and the rest of Britain's (yes it's a British song, not an Irish song, I can rant with you about it if you want, but that's not funny, you humourless arsehole. Please go jump into a pit of burning Komodo Dragons) spirit around Christmas time. It just warms my heart... as much as you can warm the darkness of space, to hear me represented in a song. Because it is about me, and anybody who disagrees is a dirty, stinking liar. Also Shane MacGowan looks like a rat who has had his face imploded into itself, while under attack by a shovel, but t'songs still good.

RO:  At the beginning of the end, here is my favourite Christmas song: A Fairytale of New York, a bitterly cynical and refreshing story in the guise of a Christmas song. Listen to the chorus and you might be forgiven for mistaking it to be a happy feelgood song, but in reality it’s about a break up, Taylor Swift style (not really). The tune is great, and Kirsty McColl is a good singer. Shame about the Pogues singer sounding like they pulled in a random drunken homeless man in mid shitting stance to record his lines, but overall it’s a fantastic song and is the recipe for a wonderful Christmas time. There really isn’t much I can say to entertain myself, never mind you, so check that song out, it's really really good! Enjoy.

Joose: And now time for song of the year. Which song will it be, oooh ahhhh, you already fucking know as you'll have read below, so here it is.

Call me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen

Joose: If there was one song which deserves to be archived by congress and stored in the Smithsonian for later generations, it is this song. It is really the greatest use of human creativeness since the paining of the Sistine Chapel. Is it bad that I'm only being slightly ironic here, I liked this song so ironically that it has come round to being fucking amazing, and I actually love it now. I'm confused. It's much better than most Modern Pop.
I don't know what the best song would be if you want a non Modern Pop song, . I still stand by Call me Maybe being song of the year, if not the fucking decade though. And if anybody disagrees, please go lubricate your head and shove it up a dogs shitter.

RO: Here's our favourite song of the year. And it is… Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen! When Jooseman suggested this, I thought he was speaking ironically, as it seems like the kind of song he despises, full of feelings of love and warmth and a woman getting soap all over her (no complaints from him about the topless man however), but no, he was serious. And so am I, this song is ludicrously catchy, like a baseball glove crossed with a catch on a door (Most Trippy Analogy 2012?), and it has one of the best endings to a song I’ve ever seen (I’m talking about where the guy turns out to be gay and she has the best facial expression I’ve ever seen). Relentlessly addictive, hilarious, and actually a pretty excellent spoof, probably the year’s best (unless I remember another song from this year that was really good, I can’t think of too many at the moment) Listen to this on the strike on Midnight on the 31st of December, and magically, a new year will begin. Merry Christmas! Hey, I just met you/And this is crazy/But we used no condom/So here’s your baby.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Crusader Kings 2 - Advent Rant Day 8

Jooseman: Hello and welcome to the first of the Beyond Stupid Christmas Rants, which we will be doing every Saturday up to Christmas Eve, as well as the big rant itself in Christmas Eve. The Christmas Eve rant isn't necessarily our Game of the Year, and if you believe it is, you have the brains of a dead Chimpanzee whose head has been replaced by a Jam Sandwich. We will, however, have our top 15 games of the year rant on New Year's Eve, so cling onto your pants until then (Please do, I don't want any lawsuits about you losing them on the bus.) So, for the first rant CRUSADER KINGS 2!

Crusader Kings 2 was one of my favourite games of this year. It was made by Paradox and is a Grand Strategy game, in the vein of Europa Universalise and Hearts of Iron, made by the same company. It is also one of the first Grand Strategy games I have ever actually played enough of to learn and enjoy. Compared to some of the other games like this, which have you thrown off the cliff by Popeye on steroids, this one has a gentle (and this is a relative term, like how having you head kicked in by a chav is probably more gentle than a Great White Shark) learning curve. Hell I didn't use the tutorial at all, but managed to pick up the game within a few hours, but I'm just an egotistical bastard.

The premise of the game is that you take control of a dynasty across medieval Europe (starting in 1066 before the Battle of Stamford Bridge and the possibility to exist until 1453, with the end of the medieval period as the Byzantine Empire falls) this is in comparison to Europa Universalise, in which you take control of a country instead of a character. You must then plot, backstab, marry, war and probably play monopoly in order to take territories in Europe and become the most powerful Dynasty, as others fall around you, like if the world was controlled by dominoes.  The problem is, it is exceptionally hard work to keep your dynasty running when people plot to do the same to you, the bastards (bastards also included),  and one weak heir could spell doom to you, which brings me to my first hint, don't have your heir as a Celibate Snowman, because then you're screwed.

Rofling Officer: Ah, Crusader Kings 2! You marvellous bastard... the biggest time leech I've played since we genetically crossed a vampire and a tick that feast on the space time continuum. Hands down the best strategy game of the year, and one of the best I've played for a while. It's tough to pin down why I like it so much, as when I first played it I was a little baffled as of what to do. But now, six months on my empire stretches across Europe and the Middle East, through marrying off ugly daughters and sending ugly sons off to die. And god forbid I have an ugly wife who refuses to put out, or makes more ugly children. Did I mention I hate ugly people in this game?

Joose: Characters have different traits which determine how they cope in the world, for example a character who is a kinslayer may be hated by almost everyone the entire world over, or a dwarf may lack stats in pretty much everything, or a fat person may have the possibility to crush anyone in his way (this is not in game.) This makes the game interesting as it mixes up how you play, for example your first leader may have extremely good intrigue, essentially making him a less bad ass James Bond and in the process be able to stop plots against him by learning about them beforehand, however his son may lack in almost everything, and you have to throw money at almost everyone in order to make them like him, like he's at a strip club. This keeps you always at attention, thinking of new schemes in order to succeed.

RO: Moving on from people with severe aesthetic deficiencies, why else do I like the game? Well it's probably the deepest feudalism game ever made, and that's what first attracted me to it: it's a Game of Thrones game essentially (which is convenient as a GoT mod has been made for it, watch out for that later). There are a few niggling annoyances here and there, like how you can only declare war with a valid cassus beli, instead of just attacking by right of conquest. Though I suppose for realism, no wars have ever been fought purely for megalomania with some cock and bull story about WMDs in a middle eastern country as a cover story have they? So anyway, it's a gorgeous deep and detailed feudalism simulator, which sucks away hours and hours of your life.

Character Creator
Joose: This is one of my main bits of disappointment with the game. (You can ignore this bit if you want to because it's not essential at all.) The character creator could have been one of the best additions to the game, making it so you can mould a character how you want, even if you wanted to lead the Smurf Kingdom of Jerusalem, and then take that characters dynasty to world domination, or fail at it. Instead you get about as much customisation as if you visited a shit Plastic Surgeon, or if you stole a Mr Potato Head from a bin, you're given about 5 faces to choose from, and they all look like hamsters who have had their faces stuffed with a guys balls . It is absolutely pointless, as you can't create much character traits either, like all your characters have the education of lobotomised Stick Insect.  What it essentially is, is The Sims if the game had been created on paper by a dog... which had lost its legs.
RO: This one isn't the worst of the bunch thought, but it's still a rip off. Whereas most games have a 3D editor with detailed options (particularly as you pay extra) CK2 just has a 2D system with about 3 different faces and 12 personalities. But that isn't the worst of it, not by a long shot...

Sword of Islam
Joose: I don't understand why The Rofling Officer hates this piece of DLC. This is probably one of the best uses of DLC I have seen in a game. It doesn't just add features which had been ripped out of the game at launch, like I assume the event which allowed aliens to anally probe you was, this adds a completely new play style,  overhauling the UI, creating new gameplay events (with the introduction of decadence.) The whole point of the DLC is that it introduces the ability to play Islamic characters, which when you hear this you might say "Hey, this should be in at launch because you could change the game files already and be able to play them. Now I'm going to try have sex with a dishwasher." Well you know how I respond to you, I call you an idiot and believe that you should go sunbathe in a nuclear reactor, you tit. This does much more than just make Islamic factions playable, it also expands the map more south, to include the empire of Mali, because what you've always wanted to do in games was control an empire from Mali, being right up there with a game about being able to be a Forklift Truck Driver or being able to wash the arsehole of Mario. It a new interface to the game, as well as new gameplay techniques such as decadence, which if it gets to high, it can lead to your empire splitting up, and the fact you can declare war on any territories next you. Which kind of makes the game slightly, much easier as you can just constantly wage wars. Nevertheless, this added a lot of content into the game, as well as quite a bit of content in the free patch with it, this is how all DLC for this game should be, and I hope they add even more content in for the Republics DLC... Wait did someone say Republics? 'MERICA!!!

RO: While he has a point with it adding the new gameplay elements, it's still not enough to warrant the insane amount of money that you have to pay for this garbage. All it essentially does is green up the UI like you're monitor has been submerged in slime and let you play factions that should have been in the bloody game in the first bloody place. I feel the same about the Legacy of Rome, if Jooseman hadn't bought it me I would have boycotted it on sight. The only DLC that has interested me so far is the one where the Aztecs invade from the East. I've no idea why they took in this direction, seeing as how the game is supposed to be very realistic, but it sounds hilarious nonetheless. Then I heard about the republics DLC and now I hate the developers again. Make the DLC better please, don't just remove features from the main game and add them later on for extortionate prices...

Joose: I don't get the argument that they should be in the game when it started. They added completely new gameplay features and added to the map. By those standards, Shivering Isles shouldn't have been a DLC, or that Warcraft 3: The Frozen Throne shouldn't be an expansion, it should be in the actual game. It's bullshit reasoning, and can be used against every piece of DLC or Expansion in history.

Rofling Officer: It is not "bullshit reasoning", and I will explain more in an episode of the Waffling Officer. In the meantime, shut up Jooseman you stupid moron.

Legacy of Rome
Joose: This is the DLC I didn't like. It's not necessarily bad, as it does add some new content, but this does feel like it should have been in the game to begin with. It added editions to Orthodox nations, such as the Byzantine Empire, nations which have been playable in the game for the start, except with as much depth as a hole created by a one legged Tapir. This annoys me, if you were going to put these nations in from the start, why didn't they improve them, and give them the features then when the game was released, instead of making them a lacklustre edition of the game, and then making you pay to fix it later on. They're like Con Artist Builders... They're like Builders.
Don't let this DLC put you off an amazing game though, as you don't need it to play anyway, and even if you so wanted it, then you can pick it up in a sale. The DLC doesn't make the game any worse.

Game of Thrones Mod
RO: Now then: the game of thrones mod. A great idea, and very well pulled off mostly. I'll first run through what I hate: the updated combat system. I hate it so much, you send Ned Stark's army into battle and you get a window up that tells you that Ned has charged into the middle of a load of Lannister troops. You click an option, and 9 times out of ten Ned dies. It's horribly inorganic and rapes the immersion factor with a cactus full of ebola. Also, the Nights Watch are there for you to essentially have a nice relaxing snooze while you watch the months and years tick by while Winter Approaches Like An Angry Beast (the Wildlings haven't been added yet). The rest of the game is everything I could hope for, it's really, really good, and killing off your least favourite game of thrones characters is always a joy. Take that Cersei, you slutty bitch, hope you like eating knives!

Conclusion
Joose: In conclusion, this is one of my favourite games of the year, and has sucked the life out of me like a Prostituting Dalek. It really is amazing, and while there has been some bad DLC, and some arguable DLC, it doesn't stop the game from being any worse, and even the bad DLC does improve the game, even if slightly to make it not worthwhile to buy. You should buy this game, because even if you don't enjoy the original setting of the game (but that shouldn't matter for the game to be time confusing) there is a wide range of mods, such as the Game of Thrones one, floating around the internet like a thing that floats around the DLC and is almost nothing like what I just described. How do I finish this. Oh yeah, blah blah, buy this game now as it is amazing.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

The Beyond Stupid Halloween Scare’athon (Inc. Costume Quest Rant + 2 Videos)

Originally uploaded on John's Blog, reuploaded here. Happy Halloween!

Jooseman: Hello and welcome to mine, Jooseman, and the Rofling Officer annual scare’athon (that is what I will call it, and don’t even complain about false advertising) for this year’s Halloween, even though Halloween is about as exciting to me as eating burnt toast. I get scared way too easily to even celebrate Halloween by doing anything of note, hell I got scared by My Little Pony, no Mr Unicorn, don’t shove your horn there... Ahem, where was I? Ah yes, so this year we both decided to do our own thing, with him playing two games and recording them, including SCP Containment Breach, and me playing and writing a rant about the Tim Schafer game, Costume Quest, because I backed out. Now sit down with your nice mug of cocoa around the fire while watching Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror episodes and read this. Unless you take inspiration from Jimmy Savile, in which case, sit by the, door, watching and waiting. (Topical Jokes, I’ll be here until Monday)
Costume Quest
Jooseman: Costume Quest is essentially a Halloween Trick or Treat, Role Playing Game made by Tim Schafer, who made games that would make even the most amateur point and click fan have to change his pants because they are so wet with Semen. Not me, however, because I have a hatred for point and click in general, and was pretty happy to find this wasn’t such a game. In this game you have to select a child (Insert Jimmy Savile joke here again) and then you go around Trick or Treating with them until your sibling gets kidnapped by a guy who looks like Mr Toad got fucked by an Orc. You then set off on a mission to get him back, collecting other costumes to fight in along the way, like a really bad fashion designer.
And now onto the combat, which feels about as satisfying as masturbating with sandpaper, except not as painful. It is your standard, Turn Based RPG affair, like Final Fantasy and the like, which I find really annoying, and harder to get right than recreating the Sistine Chapel with cheese. It involves quickly pressing buttons which I apparently lack the skill to do properly and constantly get it wrong because of this. Now to bring it back to the costumes, each costume has different powers in combat, as well as different powers to move around, such as the first Robot suit, being able to Roller-skate, which sounds like an amazing power, up there with being able to massage a cat.
Anyway, the art style now, which is ridiculously nice. It all has a nice, cartoon feel to it, which is actually a style I enjoy in games, including things such as World of Warcraft. You don’t need amazing graphics in order for the developers to get off at night, all you need is something as nice looking as this. Anyway, this has suddenly got too nice again, so fuck shit balls cunt burger. Still would rather play this than any of the horror games people like to play at Halloween.
And now, that is my short Halloween Rant over. Now for something completely different, here is a dog riding a Unicycle (Imagine it yourself, you uncreative fucks)

Rofling Officer




 

Monday, 29 October 2012

War of the Roses Joint Review


Rofling Officer: Hello there, internet delinquents! And welcome back to another joint review/rant by me, the Rofling Officer, your Messiah and Saviour, and Jooseman Jonith Huckelberry III esq., some random douche I found wandering the streets. Over a four hour period our partnership blossomed, and well here we are once again to review a game. This time: War of the Roses, a medieval combat multiplayer game that we have both played for a while now. We were going to do a comparison with Chivalry, but that was binned (neither of us own it and I never even mentioned it to him).  So to start us off, here is Jooseman:

Jooseman: Ah yes, Chivalry that game that we are a absolutely qualified to compare and contrast War of the Roses to. See, I even have a faked degree from some school (degree not attached.) So, War of the Roses, a game I have been waiting a long time for. It felt like it took so long to come out, I may as well have invented a time machine and gone to get it. As a proud bloody northerner, the game spoke to me, like a dildo may speak to a sexually unsatisfied whore, and I felt the need to buy it. The basic premise is obviously that it's set in the War of the Roses, which is like questioning when a game called 1776, America's Year of Asskicking Awesomness is set. It is a multiplayer game with a twist, that every man, woman, dog and snowman (latter 3 may be included in DLC never) have swords, bows, arrows and the like, as you play as either Yorkshire or Lancashire, in the War of the Bad Accents.

RO: Well thank you for that Jooseman, very informative about nothing at all. You should run for office. Anyway, the game feels much like Battlefield or Call of Duty, but implanted in medieval times. For example there is an enormous amount of customisation (but not for your character bizarrely, when I saw the guy who look like he had a lobotomy with a garden shovel I instantly thought: all my men will look like that, so it’s the Army of Dumbasses), you can change your arrow type, armour type, sword sharpness, fighting style, what finger you pick your nose with, whether you have sticky keys on or off or whether you use Mac or Windows (Windows). The great thing about the War of the Roses is the sheer amount of stuff to buy, all sorts of armours and weapons and horses, and there is a fair few maps too. While this does add to the longevity of the game, it’s too little too late as the game is more barren than a woman living in the desert with no uterus who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. There are a measly TWO game modes, and both are nothing new. Team Deathmatch is always welcome in these games, and it’s certainly very enjoyable, but as for Conquest… What a pile of shite. Imagine running across three fields. That’s what conquest feels like to me, lots of effort and boredom for nothing at all. I’ll come back to this a little later, but for now: Jooseman?

Jooseman: I enjoy Conquest, the problem is, you get points quicker than a man with premature ejaculation gets off. Seriously, you can get out of games with way over 5000 points a game, which is enough to buy most weapons, armour and icecream topping one at a time. This means you buy can rapidly buy things and the only thing adding longevity is the levels (Which also advance with the points) and that doesn't itself last long. Once you have built your optimum build. you have no reason to continue playing the game really... Except because you find it fun. Now let's talk about the classes some more. The one I'm using is essentially a Guy on steroids moulded into armour and carrying a sword so huge that it's designed to compensate for something. The thing is, I can never see myself switching to a different classes except maybe to choose some heavier armour. That's another problem, the effect that heavier armour has on you. Yes you start sprinting, and it feels like you're trying to run while carrying a fucking elephant in really heavy armour, but it all round doesn't make a difference that is game changing. I have a solution to this. Make the people in light armour into fucking superman. Have them fly around helping children in a way that is completely different to Jimmy Saville, and then shoot people as they run past. Maybe they can even fight themselves not in costume at some point. No matter what I say however, this game is still ridiculously good fun to play with a few friends and the scale of some of the battles are pretty amazing, when you have 32 people on each side just charging at each other like angry Scotsmen... Or Scotsmen. As they get picked off by archers, and you wade into conflict, swinging your huge sword like Gregor Clegane from A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones for you TV watchers) or a violent pornstar. It's immense and fun enough to look over the faults I've said so far.

Rofling Officer: Now then, more criticism… (you should take this as a good sign that I’m struggling to take the piss at this point) Well the hand to hand combat isn’t much good, but that’s gonna take a little while to explain, and here it is. While swinging a sword is insanely accurate (I dread to think how the people making the hitboxes were treated, their family were probably forced into prostitution unless they get it precisely right), there isn’t any real weight behind the swing. It looks like your character is about as into the battle as he would be when cleaning up his dog’s shit. It really is a shame, but it’s MORE than made up for by the awesome ranged combat. While swords and other melee weapons have zero weight and momentum, the bows and crossbows are amazingly powerful, and the sound design is gorgeous. And when you pull off an instakill headshot and the Quake announcer yells “HEADSHOT!” I can’t help but cross my legs with joy. An absolute delight from the round start to the round end, worth it just for that.

Jooseman: Talking about the combat, another criticism of the combat is how insanely difficult it is to tell how much damage you have taken. Sometimes the game doesn't even allow you to have strawberries rammed into your eyes by a hammer before you drop dead, it just does it. It's hard to know if you are being slowly sliced in half by a massive sword, or if some annoying prick as started trying to poke at you with the effective battlefield weapon of a toothpick. They may as well have gone down the realistic option, and given you the number of hitpoints you have in the corner, because that's how real life works.

Rofling Officer: Now to conclude: this game is good. Really good. And it’s pretty cheap, but multiplayer only. The bows and crossbows are amazing, but the melee weapons aren’t so good though. So is it a recommendation? Yeah sure. Get it! This is Master Chief Petty Officer James Rofling, 007 signing off.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Game Previews

I'm not going to acknowledge the fact it's been ages since I've wrote a post; come on I've just become a college student and had ten weeks off, I've been more busy than a lumberjack in Narnia. So to make up for weeks of absence, here is a little post about the games I'll be getting (probably) this year in the pre-Christmas releases.

1. Dishonored!

The big one, the game I'm most looking forward to this year, and a good-looking new intellectual property to boot (I say good looking as in the game is shaping up well, I fucking hate the models, the characters look like blow up dolls drawn by Phillip K Dick). The art design is by the Half-Life 2 fellow, which excites me a deal, but what seals the deal is the look of how diverse the stealth, can't wait.

So any issues then, RO? Why yes, my presumptive friend! The game looks about as difficult as eating a grape. The actually eating is paint-dryingly easy, but there's always the annoying chance you become complacent and swallow a stone. By which I mean, like Batman, you have a gadget or power for everything. Seeing cones of visions, seeing enemies through walls, travelling at light speed, possessing things, parkour, it's all too much. So yeah if there's one concern, then it's the difficulty.

2. War of the Roses!

Another game I'm quite excited for, as the combat looks satisfying and challenging. After watching some TotalBiscuit and Yogscast (I've plugged them, hopefully they'll plug me) pre alpha footage, I bought the Mount and Blade games on Steam and I didn't like them. They just seemed like really weak and shallow RPGs with about seventy-hundred billion superior models on the market, but the multiplayer was fun, so I'm hoping War of the Roses will be fun. I particularly look forward to using a longbow on horseback, or lances on horseback, or Japanese Beaver on horseback.

3. Assassin's Creed 3!

Despite a few little blips with the idiotic portrayal of the British in some of the trailers, it still does resemble Assassin's Creed, which I'm sad to say I'm falling out with after Revelations. Assassin's Creed 1 was boring, slow, tedious, interminable, repetitive and dull, and I still have some major vitriol towards for wasting 9 hours of my life with unskippable monologues, bland emotionless characters and the same quests repeated ad nauseum...

Anyway to get to the point, Screed 2 was awesome, Brotherhood had a cool story focusing on the Borgias, and Revelations was a step too far and a little boring. Screed 3 mixes it up with a new protaganist, new setting etc., but what about gameplay changes? Well there are moving hay carts now... moving on.

My point is it's still Assassin's Creed so I'm willing to be it'll be an enjoyable and ridiculous romp about Templars and Assassins and that wanker Desmond.

4. Fable: The Journey!

FUCK OFF.

5. Halo 4!

Still 90% sure that it'll be absolute shite, but I'm willing to give 343i a chance.

Friday, 20 July 2012

Why Shooters Need to Change

In the past I've used lots of vulgar comments to show my distaste towards recent shooter tropes like a really limited number of weapons, health regeneration and cover mechanics, but now I'd like to be a little more mature and discuss why my problems are objectively bad for the shooter genre, not just my subjective opinion.

First of all: two weapon slots. OK this is a very bad idea; it tainted my enjoyment of stuff like Halo: CE. Why? Because you lose versatility. You find a new weapon! But... why take it when the two weapons you have now are best for taking out enemies at any range? Compare this to something like Serious Sam 3 when you can run through a group of enemies with your shotgun before switching out to your railgun for a few long ranged kills, then take out your rocket launcher to destroy the massive walking mech. With two weapon slots, it's very flow breaking to keep switching out to other weapons to take on the newest obstacle.

Another, more obvious reason is that it's simply more fun to run around with twelve weapons switching between them to your leisure than just using one, then switching to another as your backup.

Moving on; health regeneration. The reason this is a bad idea is that it's just pretty boring to sit down in cover waiting for you to wipe the food colouring out of your eyes. With health packs, its really tense as you dodge the bullets while crawling with coordinated blinking. Trying to reach a health pack can be really exciting (granted, sometimes it can be frustrating knowing that you've got 1 health and yo can't possibly survive), much more so than twiddling your thumbs and sighing as your health magically reappears. I don't even know why regenerating health is used, its not realistic at all, even though realistic shooters love it so much. Also, sitting in cover is really fucking boring. I want to shoot things in a shooter, not wait a couple of seconds or die.

Finally: cover mechanics. Now this can be a cool idea, especially for stealth games or games like S.T.A.L.K.E.R. (boy typing that title is very very annoying) where it fits the atmosphere, but cover based shooters are incredibly ubiquitous and as a result, boooooring. Plus in a first-person cover shooter you can't notice the bloody artwork that so many hours and neglected children were sunk into, except the guy who worked on the ceramic walls I guess. Like I said, cover can work. But in large doses? No. Back in 2007 when I first played Gears of War, I was faintly intrigued by cover based shooting. Then in 2011 beginning Gears of War 3, I was fucking sick of it.

So how should shooters change? Well, they should be more like shooters like Doom, Painkiller, Serious Sam etc. These are really fun games yes, but in the story department not so much. BUT games like that can have really excellent stories. Take my favourite game, Half-Life 2; no health regeneration or cover mechanics, and loads and loads of weapons, but also had a fantastic and dynamic story with a surprisingly well realised setting. So yeah, be more like that.

I just felt like writing something a little more serious today, but anyway. DEVELOPERS: HEED MY WORDS!

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Video: Orcs Must DANCE!

Uh...

I dunno why this idea came into my mind, but it just seemed like something I had to do...

Well, enjoy I guess.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Video: The Dragon Hunter Part 1

Well, I made a new video (Jonith helped out with the planning), called "The Dragon Hunter" (teh dragg0n huntar). To give a basic rundown, it's a Skyrim machinima about an idiotic guy who wants to be a dragon hunter, despite the fact that none exist... or do they???? He's incredibly cowardly and foolish, so it's gonna be a sort of Hong-Kong Phooey or Scooby Doo style humour (not for kids though), until I near the end, when I plan to make it really ironic humour. The main inspiration is Freeman's Mind, which you've probably heard of. If not, it's a hilarious Half-Life machinima where the creator voices Gordon Freeman and makes him really neurotic.

Part 1 is here. Shouldn't take long to make part 2. This is the first of my ideas for Skyrim, the second will probably reach fruition when I get jaded with this series. Unfortunately I am extremely pessimistic about what I make; I hate every single thing I've ever made... it's rather depressing.

Anyway, yeah go and watch that. I'm rather proud of my voice acting, even though it did my voice in near the end...

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Diablo III Review


Well, after a long hiatus, it's time for another review. This time for the fastest selling PC game of all time, and the biggest controversy magnet since Michael Jackson molesting a child in a magnetic suit (or in another, more practical and less SICKENING way, Mass Effect 3's ending). To start off the review I'm gonna go through the controversy of the DRM with Diablo III, which does fit into my review.

Well, to put it as frank as possible without writing it on my cock and swinging it around, the Diablo III always-online DRM is fucking inexcusable. Gamer entitlement is a growing problem, and I got pissed when I saw people demanding Bioware change the ending to Mass Effect 3, but that is NOT the problem here. You pay £40 or $60 or whatever for Diablo III, and it turns out you can't fucking play the thing because the servers aren't working. There is no adequate reason Blizzard made it always online, there should have been a single-player mode.

In my first day of playing the game I was disconnected from the game twice, losing shit-loads of progress that was nothing to do with my internet (which is surprising; my internet speed is slower than a snail using bullet time). It was pretty rage inducing, and if you dismiss Diablo III and say you aren't going to get it on the terms of this ridiculous DRM, then I have no quarrel with you.

Moving on to the actual game now:

Graphics!


Blizzard continue to surpass most other developers in this area; Diablo III's cutscenes are gorgeous, some of the most wonderful I've seen in gaming. There are hardly any cutscenes however, and the graphics during gameplay are pretty mediocre. I don't give a shit about how good a game looks though, as long as it is entertaining.

Story!


There's an attempt at Dragon Age style conversations between party members, and after an hour or two I wanted to yank out my tongue and slap myself deaf. My barbarians responses were so generic, so one dimensional, so tacked-on, he might as well just wear a sandwich-board with "I Disapprove" on it. I actually quite enjoyed the company of the Scoundrel fellow, but the Barbarian just tells him how shit he is all the time. This amounts to a hugely unlikeable player character, which is an understatement. These conversations usually flesh out the story and world in a really forced way, but at least it's there.

Blizzard also suck galactic balls at writing dialogue too, whenever a big bad showed up 9/10 they'd say something like "Prepare to meet your DOOM!" and in the remaining 1/10 they'd just go "MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As for the plot itself, having not played Diablos I and II I can't really give the best opinion, but it's definitely interesting. It's well paced; the plot always felt like it was building and the stakes were raised ever higher. Unfortunately, the story is VERY clichéd, nearly every single element has been taken from another fantasy game, and most plot points are more predictable than a man with a fish-fetish and his dick out at an aquarium. I won't give too much away about the story, but, shockingly, it turns out YOU are the CHOSEN ONE. A story only used in nearly every fantasy story besides Rape-Lay.

Gameplay!

Ah now this, dear readers is where Diablo III excels. Combat is lovely visceral, an amazing example being the Barbarian's melee attacks that send enemies flying in all directions, which as an awesome spectacle is only just below watching an enormous praying mantis have a dogfight with Osama Bin Laden. The combat is nicely intuitive too. The interface is similar to WoW's, but it is so much easier to understand as there are only 4 buttons you use to attack. However, this gives a crucial flaw: you're severely limited by what you can equip as your attacks, which is a shame.

I'll quickly go through the classes -

Demon Hunter -



Christ, ignore what I said above, the only thing more boring than this class would be rolling a tax accountant who kills enemies by showing them slide shows of their holiday in the Canary Islands. Really, really, really, really, really, really repetitive (ironic humour is best humour). It gets better the more you play, but to be honest if you don't get the Templar with you to help out your pretty much doomed, unless you're the kind of Diablo player that you wire the game to your brain so you can play as you sleep.


Barbarian



Not really barbaric at all, he's actually really kind to anyone he meets, except law breakers. Like I said above, his bland, infuriating responses make him more difficult to play than a Neo-Nazi hobbit who attacks by coughing, but combat is amazing. My build is specifically designed to blast enemies in all directions, because there is nothing more cathartic than a zombie's head flying away in one direction and his body in five others. Every attack feels powerful, and pulling off a sweep attack so you kill 20 enemies in one attack never loses it's charm, and never fails to make me piss myself with excitement.



Wizard -


My second favourite class, all the spells feel fantastically powerful and satisfying to use. A particular favourite of mine is "Wave of Force", which usually annihilates clusters of weaker enemies than crowd around you like you're handing out free reach arounds. Playing a wizard feels like playing a fucking power station, and any enemy that approaches you will explode into electrified confetti. This leads to my complaint: it's way too easy. Even on my own bosses went down faster than me on your mum, and when the Templar joined me I was just breezing through all the obstacles dismissing entire groups with one wave of my arm.

Witch Doctor - 


Certainly the weirdest class, and the one I have the most trepidation about describing. I find the abilities quite amusing (getting the undead to rise from the ground to fight other undead is deliciously ironic), but none of them are really suitable to singleplayer. The Witch Doctor feels more like a support role in a group, I first got this feeling when I through a jar of spiders and they broke a barricade. The most racist class too, half of his dialogue just sounds like "Da spirits, mon." but I don't hate him. To be honest I'm quite baffled by this class, but I wouldn't ever use it in singleplayer, as it is extremely boring.

Monk - 

Fuck me, what a ponce. Rivals the Demon Hunter for worst class. The Demon Hunter at least looks pretty badass, as a monk you look like you've just woken up after a fucking stag party. Using his attacks made me feel like the brain damaged one who blinds himself with his own spit. I feel the most vitriol for this prick, because I don't like him at all. He gets pretty interesting with the better attacks he gets later on, but it's not worth the wait at all.

Summary!


I wouldn't say the game is "great" per se. Looting items is dramatically boringas you can just get one ten times better on the auction house, so lots of fights your only motivation is to advance the shitty clichéd story. A couple of the classes are boring as hell to play as, dialogue sucks balls too. Oh and don't get me started (again) on the bloody DRM... But all this is almost completely wiped out by the sheer fun of cleaving you're way through enough undead to repopulate Cairo.

So then...

Verdict - Awesome fun to be had spraying monster blood across your monitor, but is tainted by irritating and unforgivable DRM and a few stupid gameplay choices.

Recommendation - Yes.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Max Payne 3 Review

Over a decade has passed since max first sulkily dived sideways into a watercooler, and here in 2012, we have the third game. Creatively titled "Max Payne 3", the game documents Max's wonderful holiday in brazil as he finally forgets all about his family being murdered.

Actually, he's there to whine like he never has before. Max narrates throughout the bland, plodding plot (not even plodding; almost zero changes throughout all 12 hours) and surprisingly he becomes the main highlight. His narration never changes from being mournful and infuriatingly negative, and it gets to the point that is starts being morbidly amusing. However, Max is the ONLY interesting character. The rest are all one dimensional wankers universally, not a single character interested me.

On the other hand, the shooting is awesome. I've heard tales of bugs ruining the gameplay, but none affected me. Diving sideways with two sub machine-guns and shooting 6 Brazilian stereotypes in slow mo is always fun as hell and the occasional scripted slow mo section is badass as hell.

My main problem with the gameplay is that there isn't enough of it. At least 60% of the game is cutscenes (and that's being generous), which is unacceptable for a video GAME. Maybe this wouldn't be so obnoxious if the cutscenes were well done, but the filters are incredibly overdone and gave me a fucking migraine. Oh and the dialogue is fucking unbearable, especially when they bring the writer with tourettes in.

The multiplayer is also terrible, which explains why no one is bloody playing it. I had a hunch the multiplayer would be worse than taking a bath in HIV positive blood because how can you incorporate bullet time into multiplayer? PERHAPS they could pull it off though? Well no, they didn't, and it just ends up being a mediocre version of Gears of War multiplayer (which is funny as GoW is mediocre itself). The three game mods are standard stuff, deathmatch, TDM and gang war. They do give a little enjoyment at times, but it feels very unsatisfying 95% of the time.

Verdict:

A lifeless story that tramples on good gameplay, way too many awful cutscenes and poorly implemented multiplayer.

Rating: As bad as injecting yourself in the eye with expired morphine.

Recommendation: NO.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Coming soon...

Hey guys, with my exams over with I can return to the regularly scheduled programme. By which I mean, reviews and videos and such.

Here's what I've got planned: a pretty in depth review Diablo III. I'll set that out in different parts for each class perhaps. At the moment I'm rolling a Barbarian, but Demon Hunter looks more interesting. I'm not gonna give anything else away about my feelings about the game, so I'll move on.

I've also got about 12 ideas for a Skyrim series, and by Skyrim series I mean a kind of improvised comedy-drama. A couple of ideas I've got include an inept Dragon hunter, a generic Orc, an incredibly boring NPC-style character, a Thalmor character, etc. I've already recorded the intro for the Dragon hunter one, and I will begin filming when I can be bothered.

So any other ideas not related to Skyrim? Yes, Jonith and I will make a Crusader Kings II series where we do a co-op campaign and try to fuck each other over (politically speaking). Well maybe we'll work together in one campaign, but we have the idea of doing a series in the Game of Thrones mod where we take separate sides of the War of the Usurper. He's told me he has some ideas about this series, so look forward to that.

Finally, I have the idea to play a load of free-to-play games and review and recommend them. F2P games have gotten a dreadful reputation recently, so let's see in this series if it is deserved.

Thanks, now go watch the YouTube videos, immediately. Drone.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Joint Review: Eurovision Song Contest 2012

Jonith: So, its Eurovision time again, when Europeans all sit down, and listen to awful music and epic saxophone playing while complaining about everything. It is a time for mocking, a time for annoyance and a time to start popping anti-depressants like a whore sucks cocks. This means it's time to carry on with my annual tradition of what I like to call my live rant, where I watch each act while writing about them, this time with special guest, Oliver Rolfing too share the pain of this. Now bring this on HOO FUCKING RAH.

Rofling Officer: I can't believe we're at this time again, this time, we're live in Azerbaijan for the song contest between some European countries (it's news to me that Azerbaijan is in Europe, but there you go). The Eurovision is pretty much a hate figure for every imbecile fresh from The Voice who needs some more idiot TV. The difference being, everyone loves complaining about this particular song contest, because of biases and stuff. But anyway, for the time being, I present mine and Jonith's review of the Eurovision Song Contest 2012. Enjoy.

1. Great Britain - Love Will Set You Free- Engelbert Humperdink

John: I think the first thing that needs to be said is, holy shit that name. It sounds like the sounds you would make if you were busy drowning in custard. Who is he, a made up bad guy from a children's TV show. Also, the way he sings about love makes it seem like we chose the world's most elegant paedophile to sing our song. Really though, I shouldn't be making fun of him, because the song itself is decent enough, not completely crap, but also not good enough to win. I personally like this song and C'MON GREAT BRITAIN.

Rofling: First up we have the greatest country in the world, with Angel-burp Hump-a-dick and his song: "Love Will Set You Free". I have to tip my hat to them for picking a name so cliche it comes right round and sounds awesome again. Looking like an Italian Paul McCartney with an eating disorder, Humperdinck steps onto stage. The song itself is about as fast paced as a William Shatner monologue as dictated by a brain damaged slug, but there's nothing particularly obnoxious about it (aside from maybe the strobes in the background that gave me a seizure). Eventually the song ends with a big crescendo and everyone forgets about him. Nicely done Engelbert, you weren't unpleasant.

2. Hungary - Sound of our Hearts - Compact Disco

Rofling: Wow the lead singer looks like Goth Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and the others look like they were plucked straight from a Nirvana video from 1993, but the song itself is actually pretty alright. The chorus is catchy, he sings pretty good and the singer is getting really into it. Weirdly, I think that's Jade Goody on stage there with them (and oh fucking hell that was the worst thing I have ever written and I hate myself for it), and oh the song's over. Well that was only slightly longer than a TV show about the lighter side of the Borgias, slightly disappointed.

3. Albania - Suus- Rona Nishliu

Jonith: I have no idea what the name of this song, sounding like the name of an awful foreign food dish which you may be served while being sick into a toilet, but what I do know is that this song seems to be sung by Medusa, the Fat Prostitute years. Also, this person can't sing, it seems like I'm having somebody have glass crushed in my ears every time she sings. Is she singing, or shouting at a dragon flying across the back of the arena? Nobody knows, Nobody Knows. Rofling: Next we have an Albanian woman with a church on her head, and just singing fucking nonsense words that make no sense (no I'm not talking about Albanian, they are actually nonsense words). The tone of the song is flitting about like the Millenium Falcon on acid, and when she attempts to hit high notes she sounds like she's trying to shatter my TV screen to stop me listening to this absolute SHIT. OH FUCK ME THIS IS TERRIBLE! The high notes are akin to having my ears grated onto Colonel Gaddafi's erect penis now; I can't take it anymore. Thank God, it's over. I'll be right back, just going to blast a hole where my ears used to be...

4.Lithuania - Love is Blind- Donny Montell

Jonith: Well this guy's name sounds like a really bad 80's musician, but in fact he looks like an escape artist who has walked into the wrong dressing room. Seriously who does he think he is, a demon hunter. Actually, it makes more sense if he thinks he's an extra from Phantom of the Fucking Opera. And then when he takes the blindfold off, what is he doing then, starting his stripping routine? This dancing is possibly the most non sensual thing ever. He's like a puppet dancing being controlled by a snowman on crack.

Rofling: Wearing a blindfold with glitter on it (which makes it seem like you've been kidnapped by Christopher Biggins while in his campest mood) and with about as many spotlights as there were shining when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah and claimed he was gay, the Lithuanian act is introduced. The song itself sounds like a blend of Whitney Houston and Alvin and the Chipmunks and a particularly pretentious James Bond theme song. My rating: about as entertaining as watching paint dry on a wall while the wall punches you on the cock.

5.Bosnia and Herzegovinininia. - Korake ti zanam - Mayasar

Jonith: Now we have a Joanna Lumley impersonator after extreme botox surgery. She also appears to be wearing the Great Pyramid on each of her shoulders, or taking part in a complex assassination attempt were both of the tips are coated with poison. She also sounds like she's trying to serenade a dying cat while injecting heroin into her eyes. Fuck me this is such a bad song. And then she just abandons here piano, what has that piano ever done to you bitch, send in your money today to go and rescue those helpless abandoned pianos.

6. Russia - Party for Everybody - Those Granny People

Jonith: The start of this song sounds like the theme tune to a bloody Elder Scrolls game before turning into possibly the worst dance theme ever. It sounds like it was composed by a death Kim Jong Il... After his death. I can understand the novelty about them being old people, but thats so fucking patronising, you may as well start patting them on the head after they have a shit next. This is generic Euro nonsense and nobody in their right mind should vote for them... Unless you get turned on by this sort of thing, in which case you're probably violently masturbating into the TV.

Rofling: Sigh... the singers: a bunch of old grannies (like there's a riot at the post office and no pensioners are able to collect). ARGH MY EARS. I can think of 7 billion people off the top of my head who can sing better than these incontinent shitheads. Watching them "sing" while cooking dinner makes me feel like I've injected heroin directly into my brain... except the heroin is AIDS. Please make it stop. If anyone votes for Russia they'll get a throwing knife embedded in their skull courtesy of the Rofling Officer. The song itself is even more repetitive than a broken dictaphone playing a speech by Obama, and still the fucking retards are cheering. Guess I'm going to need a lot of throwing knives.

7. Iceland - Never Forget - Greta Salome & Jonse

Rofling: "Never Forget"? Not directly leeching off Take That I hope. They could have at least changed Forget to Forgot or something... no no no no no no when these two cunts sing together they sound like when I beat my cats with a dying mouse with "irony" written on it. I was warming to the song at first, but Jesus Christ no one can sound like that unless they're either possessed by the Devil or possessed by the spirit of a Puritan conspirator plotting to murder the very concept of music itself. The "strong" chorus sounds totally different to the rest of the song, and weirdly they actually sound alright. But it's far too little and later than a turtle with narcolepsy.

8. Cyprus - La La Love - Ivi Adamou

Jonith: Supposedly this is one of the favourites from what I have seen people say. Now I think that's just because this is masturbation material for the majority of people watching. The singer looks like a Cypriot Kelly Brooke, however she also seems to be producing an unusual amount of testosterone as she as an extremely deep voice. The chorus has the imagination of a Call of Duty game about Americans, and the depth in the song lyrics as well.

9. France - Echo (You and I) - Anggun

Jonith: So now we have a performance by the world's leading white flag makers. The tone of the lyrics seem to fit the semi-techno background like a holocaust movie created by the characters out of Toy Story. It also appears that the background dancers is wearing the white flag of France instead of pants, which is always good to be showing such national pride. The song itself is awful, and has the imagination of my jokes about the French in it, so I'll give up now.

Rofling: What are France going to do for the Olympics in August? Send a singer instead of a gymnastics team? The song itself just sounds like a backing track for the gymnasts, like she was ordered to make it forgettable (so much so that I've forgotten it even while listening) to give the gymnasts as much attention as possible. Maybe it's a plot by the French bastards for them to win. She dresses like a Concubine Superhero and sounds like Chris Redfield is punching her vocal chords, and the random techno backing sounds like someone is staging a chase scene on a vinyl record. Utter garbage.

10. Italy - L'amore e femmina (Out of Love) - Nina Zilli

Rofling: Chinese Amy Winehouse now, with her backing sassy black women, uh huh. Ambiguous racism aside, I really really like this song. Aside from the stupid "la la la la la" thrown in there, the lyrics are fun and don't repeat as much as the others and the tune is instantly catchy. Even now it's got me nodding in time and smiling like I'm having my balls massaged by a courtesan with a testicle fetish (please excuse the revolting imagery). Excellent, my favourite so far. She'll get my vote if the others are faecal fountains too.

11. Estonia - Kuula - Ott Lepland

Jonith: Apparantly these have sent a singer who is so close to his mic, he may as well be giving it a blow job by this point. He sings with an effort so lacklustre, even the comatose will be getting bored by this song, and he has so little emotion he may as well be the world's most boring robot. Even when he gets louder to seemingly get to the epic part of the song he drops back down like he has erectile dysfunction... Except with the voice except the penis. I do like how he's on stage himself, and doesn't have some boring background dancers though, so there's a plus.

12. Norway - Stay - Tooji

Jonith: You know, Norway really missed a trick by not sending themselves some Norwegian Country Rock Music, which was even up for contention to sing for them, but they didn't and my hopes for that were dashed. Instead we get a cunt. That's all there is to say about him, seriously, he may as well be walking around with his shirt of, grating people's faces with his abs while boasting about how many girls he's has toss him off, which incidentally is what he is, a tosser. I really hate this guy with a passion, and it would be my dream for him to slip and break a leg or something. Somebody run on stage and punch him with brass knuckles please, it will be for the best. He is worse than the guy who gave cancer to kittens Seriously, this guy is extremely obnoxious and I would rather have my penis removed by flaming tongs than carry on listening to it.

Rofling: A musical rendition of the game Prototype, complete with Alex Mercer look alike. The song sounds like someone was trying to induce vomiting to try and save his puppy he swallowed, but its the kind of obnoxious that stops being so horrible after a while and actually has you warming to it. The chorus is still pathetic and sounds like Chris Tucker having his bollocks yanked, however. The bloke himself is a terrific twat who makes any possibilty of me enjoying the song instantly swing out of the window. Fingers crossed someone will sing Hot Problems to get this horrible taste out of my mouth.

13. Azerbaijan - When the Music Dies- Sabina Babayeva

Jonith: Now for the home nation. That wonderfully glorious European nation of Azerbaijan. A country which is extremely in Europe and certainly not in Asia and that's Geographicallyical non fact. The act is extremely generic in itself, and there is not much to say about it, except the fact that the woman appears to be wearing a shape shifting cloud around her thighs.

Rofling: Yay the hosts now, fronted by Celine Dion at her wedding. The song is slow, and a chore to listen to, in fact forget chore it's more akin to watching the Human Centipede whilst rearranging packs of cards... dunno why, but fuck off, this is incredibly draining. My diagnosis of the song: decently performed, but definitely not worthy of a host place and a very tedious beat.

14. Romania - Zaleilah - Mandinga

Rofling: A sort of cross between Cuba and Scotland; the bagpipes and the super hot Hispanic woman I could watch sing for a thousand years. Weirdly captivating, though that might just be her beauty, but it is markedly different to the other acts. I liked it a lot, but I don't really have much to say about it. Except that that woman was super super hot.

15. Denmark - Should've Known Better - Soulna Samay

Jonith: Now here is Denmark, with a song that sounds like I think 500 others which have been before it. I get the feeling all these songs are blending into one by this point. The song itself is decent, and that woman in that Navy costume sure would be exciting if anybody is into role play. As I said, the song itself is decent and one of the better ones of the competition so far, not resorting to the unimaginative choruses. My favourite I think so far.

16. Greece - Aphrodisiac- Eleftheria Eleftheriou

Jonith: Here comes the act known as Economic problems, and the background dancing is by the very popular group called the Athens Molotov Cocktail Throwers. Look at all those flames go like you have just set fire to some guys puppy. The name of this song seems to make it sound like it would be the perfect foreplay song, but instead this song has the sex appeal of a dead guy in an SS costume. The problem with that joke, however, is that I made it before the performance itself and it is the opposite of that. Which just shows, that because I cannot tell the future, I am an idiot and deserve to be killed in the most painful way possible By the way, surely they should sing about not wanting to win and for us just to send them money by PayPal instead?

Rofling: "Aphrodisiac". You'll certainly need one to get it up after listening to this song (raucous laughter). Laughably seductive Greek Cheryl Cole plays the lead "singer" who sings "oh oh oh" with the skill of a deaf parrot trained by Andy Dick. Ultimately, it's a ridiculously oversexualised attempt to try and get votes through viewers pants, and it hasn't worked for me at all. A very boring (yes boring) song that I've forgotten already.

17. Sweden - Euphoria - Loreen

Rofling: Really Sweden? Carly Rae Jepsen in a wind tunnel? That's the best you can do? Not even any naked blonde women to try to get votes that way? Two minutes of a woman having a seizure is not good entertainment, at least not at this time of the day. Save it for some porn sites Sweden. Another boring as hell song, piss off.

18. Turkey - Love me Back - Can Bonomo

Jonith: This is seriously my most hated song in this entire competition. The person doesn't even sing it, he kind of just says the words with a slight tune in the background. The person singing it looks like a Sacha Baron Cohen character crossed with a Lamppost. I really hope the boat this guy is singing about sinks and he drowns painfully on sea water. The God command it. This is too painful too listen to even for them. The tune in the background is possibly the least imaginative thing ever as well, he may as well be singing over the top of some guys mobile phone ringtone. Anyway that was a performance by the Village People. He sounded like a duck being strangled by an Auto tuner.

19. Spain - Quedate Conmigo - Pastora Soler

Jonith: Here we go, the next in the group who owe money to loansharks, singing desperatly for a home and not to hold it next year. I assume this song is called "Buy me a home please" in fact. Sadly it's not as ridiculously bad as most Spanish performances. This is a generic performance and there is not much to say about it except it only makes me want to fall asleep in a Nuclear Reactor it's so boringly bad. NEXT! MY ANGER AND SELF HATRED IS NOT YET SATISFIED. Rofling: With the Spain the bar is usually balanced at the Earth's core, and they aren't breaking that tradition. This woman looks like she's about to burst into tears with love for her song, so I hate her. Otherwise it's just making me yawn extra loud. I'm fast running out of enthusiasm for this shit, and I think it's POSSIBLY starting to show, but this is making me laugh a great deal from the way she's almot sobbing with emotion at such an interminable song.

20. Germany - Standing Still - Roman Lob

Jonith: An English Person wrote this song so it must be good. This is over, thank you and see you some other time... This song is actually pretty good, if extremely generic. This is so generic that the guy may as well just be playing the top 40 over a backing track done by some generic band that I can't think of. It also leads me to question why they all sing the English songs in an East London accent, I'm waiting for the time they all take that to an extreme and come out with really Cockney accents. Also don't mention the war... Shit. These are easily my favourites so far I think and I hope this guy wins. Rofling: While being more boring to watch than The Da Vinci Code adapted for the TV by a blind man, the song does have a good tune. The singer is a bit of a wanker, wearing a hat indoors like he's got a shaven head or something, but he is a genuinely good singer, and I've managed to contain any "Fuhry" (BA DUM TISH) that I may have had. It was more boring than watching a blimp in slow motion, but it was livened up by the song which was like watching a blimp crash into a city.

21. Malta - This is the Night - Kurt Calleja

Rofling: Oh god why is he just singing in LESS THAN ONE NOTE for the entire song. The verses are shorter than Jonith's cock, and the chorus has been ripped off bloodily from about fifty songs I've heard of, but it does kind of blend together nicely to create an enjoyable experience. They all look like they're into the song, and I'm having fun writing and listening to this. I'm shocked I'm saying this, but well done Malta. Jonith: I actually quite liked that song in a guilty pleasure kind of way.

22. Macedonia - Crno I belo - Kaliopi

Jonith: So now we have a singer whose name sounds like an ice lolly and a song which sounds like you are choking on a piece of pasta. The woman herself looks like an extra out of Wall Street. After this I expect her to run into a board room and shout that the shares have dropped. Seriously, the background of this performace could have been this boring if we were watching a brick wall being painted. Oh and then a light show started, as of the heavens were opening and God was trying to kill every epileptic in the immediate vicinity. This song flicks between two extremes as if the writer is Bi-polar and has the personality of an ADD sufferer on marijuana.

23. Ireland - Waterline - Jedward

Jonith: Now it's John and Edward, and I call them that because otherwise I sound like a cunt who runs out of breath too easily. Also then I can call them John and Fucking Edward without having to make noises like a dying seal. The costumes they wear in this make them look like Astronauts with BDSM fetishes. I'm pretty sure there must be SOME twincest going on between these two if they can stare at each other with these clothes on which shove the crotch so far back into the body, it's like having surgery in Thailand. So which one is the male and which is the female? I think its interchangable. They all look like extras from Tron if it took place in the setting of Jaws... The sea.

Rofling: Oh yay Jedward! They aren't out here enough! But wait! They'ev abandoned the quiffs and gone for an outfit that would embarrass a gay General Shepard. While not as garmant rendingly dreadful as lipstick from last year. Breaking some kind of Jedward rule, this time they aren't going retardly over the top like Andy Dick at a feminist convention. They sing worse than an Amnesiac with a throat infection, but they certainly aren't the worst act tonight. Still, to maintain my integrity, piss off Jedward!

24. Serbia- Nije Ijubav Stvar - Zeljiko Joksimovic

Rofling: I love Serbia, the name really evokes something in my soul. It's a country with such a sad history, and this is deeply reflected in their song. I'm on the edge of my seat, hanky in hand, blowing away. Ambiguous cock jokes and sarcasm aside, I'm enjoying the song more than I thought I would. The tune is easy to tap along to, and the bloke can actually hammer out a tune. Nice work. Jonith: Decent Enough

25. Ukraine - Be My Guest - Gaitana

Jonith: Representing Ukraine is Daikatana, I mean Gaitana. This is possibly the most ridiculously fucking crazy one so far. The woman is, for a start, wearing a fruit salad created by poisonous plants on her head. She also seems to be doing her best Shirley Bassey imprsonation, which would make sense if Shirley Bassey had her vocal chords removed. The backing dancers are also all young offenders, which really sums up the punishment here, I couldn't think of anything worse than having to dance behind her. ALST THERES A MOTHER FUCKING TRUMPET, EPIC. (Oh and the worst computer generated models dancing on a screen behind her, well I assume there dancing, they may be protesting the song)

26. Moldova - Lauter - Pasha Parfeny

Jonith: Ok the last act, finally, Christ this has been a slog. Moldova with acts such as the KKK clowns and Epic Sax Guy. And this year we have an Edward Norton look alike singing a song from a Kids TV show probably. If the Kids TV show was then banned immediately. This man has possibly the most cheesiest dancing this side of France, and women behind him acting as if they have just been pulled out of a 1980's disco. The Dance is still the greatest mother fucking thing ever, that was amazing. Anyway, this is finally over. FREEDOM!

Rofling: And last and CERTAINLY least, with a name like he's ordering some pasta in Spain, we have Pasha Parfeny and his quartet of dancing prostitutes. They look so uncomfortable I'm sure they're stood on hot plates to make them dance. Breaking Moldova tradition (last year we got the people riding unicycles while wearing hats that looked like the Village People joined the Ku Klux Klan), this song is really fucking boring. It's so bad even my TV is rejecting it, and it's so forgettable that I forgot the tune before I even started listening. All this gets is a heavy sigh of dread for the 12 points from Romania, with love.

Friday, 25 May 2012

My Friend's Film Idea: "War of the Gods"

OK straight away I'd like to apologise for not posting a single thing since April 10th, I'm in the middle of my GCSE exams and as such have no time to post on here. Unfortunately (for me at least, for all I know you can't stand me, or you aren't even reading this now), I won't be posting anything regularly until the 20th June, after my last exam. An exception to this is possibly a joint review of the terrible Eurovision Song Contest with John, which is always fun to laugh at.

But for now, I present a film idea that my friend, that I will for his privacy rename Cunter Bradshit, came up with today. It happens to be a great idea, and I'm sure great directors like M Night Shyamalan, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Selzter, Michael Bay and Uwe Boll will be bery interested. I'm being serious: at no point during his pitch of the film did I feel like punching myself in the throat because punching him would have taken slightly longer.

OK, let's set the scene: the present day. Jesus comes back down to Earth and the Devil influences some random woman off the streets to seduce him. They fuck each other, and the woman is pregnant with the grandson of God. He is born, and the Devil orders him to do some evil things and shit. With me so far? OK, next the Devil and the Grandson of God launch a worldwide campaign of destruction for, you know, reasons, and God, Jesus and the combined might of Earth try to fight back. God doesn't question why he has a grandson, he's just happy for a fight. So they fight, fight fight, fight fight, fight fight and fight (incidently Cunter Bradshit was going to have Zeus and a bunch of Greek gods swoop in and join the Devil, but that was removed. God knows why).

Finally, everyone on Earth is killed, and I don't think he ever told me if God and Jesus or the Devil and the Grandson won the epic battle, but who cares about getting a satisfying ending when you've just had a battle scene that would embarrass Michael Bay on a caffiene drip? So right at the end, some body on the floor gives birth, Alien style, to a plant, showing that life is "starting again".

Come on guys, you know you'd pay full price for this? I mean, it makes no sense, the characters are non-existant, the film is really just one giant action scene, the ending makes no sense, the ending hasn't even been figured out yet, and there are no human characters, God's motivations are unexplained and Jesus' character has been totally rewritten, but other than that, I've drawn a complete blank for criticisms. Well done, friend!

Let me be clear: I am NOT being ironic; this movie sounds so good I would willingly shave my penis with the fangs of a venomous snake, and I would let a skunk blow off in my mouth just to watch one second of it. So come on M Night Shyamalan, you've got a perfect list of movies, take on my friends film, originally titled "War of the Gods". Totally not cliched at all.

...

See you next time.

Oliver Rolfing, Rofling Officer.

P.S Jonith: Fucking hell this was the most retarded idea ever. He may as well have just walked into a board meeting, shit on Michael Bay's lap and walked out. Christ this was bad...

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Updates, Updates.

Jonith and I relaunched the YouTube channel, starting our gaming series "Beyond Stupid". The introduction can be located here.

Jonit will be uploading little videos of him playing some games, starting with Orcs Must Die!, a fantastic little Tower Defence Game from Robot Entertainment. So yeah expect that later tonight.

In the mean time, I have completed Episode 1 of my new Let's Play of Morrowind, entitled "On the Morrow" which can be found here. Expect that very frequently, at least while my enthusiasm lasts.

So yeah, that's that. Also, expect a series of co-op videos for Fall of the Samurai.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

The Apprentice Contestant Rundown.

Now that episode three of the UK version of The Apprentice has limped past, I decided to do a quick rundown of each narcissistic prick competing for Lord Sugar's (a man who resembles a walrus from Brooklyn) affections.

Adam Corbally!

Well this guy I actually quite like. Yes he's more snarky than Nathan Drake on a caffiene drip, and yes he backstabs like a Borgia with a phobia of spinal columns, but yes he is a genuinely likable contestant, who is probably my favourite thus far, even though he's hated by absolutely everyone else.

Azhar Siddique!

Bloody hell does this guy do nothing. Azhar's role is to jump in whenever he stops thinking about vaginas and dancing all over his project manager. I seriously can't remember him doing a single thing in three episodes; he generally just stands there being ignored like he's just a watermark advertising what's on next on BBC 3.

Duane Bryan!

The first total narcissist on the list, Duane's irritating, patronising, "oh-I'm-a-much-better-salesman-than-you" cuntish face is enough for me to start tearing nipples off (although that might be me). In all seriousness he is a pretty decent project manager but everytime someone says something like that it just swells his bloody ego, which admittedly at this point is like sprinkling a couple of pennies onto the Official Chinese Money Pile.

Gabrielle Omar!

Gabby Oman seems to have a allergy to smiles, because she's either sat there totally stone-faced, or with a totally false smile that makes her look like Michael Myer's Mum watching him in action. Another boring candidate who hasn't really done much except mentally masturbate over her own talents and a blindfolded believer that Alan Sugar loves her. Overall she's about as appealing as a bowl of porridge with some spunk mixed in, but at least functional.

Jade Nash!

To be totally honest, I have no idea what this person has done, which is a pretty bad sign. So with that in mind, I'll just take the mick out of her appearance because I'm cruel. She looks like she's had an old lady's mouth sellotaped onto her and her eyes give her a slightly evil look, like staring for too long allows her to absorb my soul.

Jane McEvoy!

With a name that sounds like James McAvoy had a sex change and a, that would make a peacock's feathers wilt in shame, Jane seems to be the token garish contestant who gets on all the other's tits, but the more I watched of her the more this wasn't true. She's more like the token "safe" candidate who takes less risks than a Tomb Raider developer. Her personal motto is so obnoxiously generic: "’Anything is achievable if you have drive, determination, and a seriously good work ethic." It sounds like she's addressing a bunch of school kids, something I'm sure Alan Sugar will really appreciate.

Jenna Whittingham!

Arggh! Even looking at her on Google Images is making me want to bend to her will, but her hilarious voice conflicts with her evil appearance to the point that it becomes suspicious, like if George Bush put on a 50 Cent voice when he visited some 18 year olds to get their vote. In all seriousness, she's a pretty charming (OK I can't say that with a straight face)... well she's not as egomaniacal as the other fuckheads, and that's comforting I guess.

Katie Wright!

Now she is a totally TWAT, who is not only a worse businessman than a pig with Down's Syndrome that eats money, but she constantly blames her problems on absolutely everyone else to further level up her narcissism. Overall, watching her is like watching an infuriating 3 year old spraying poo on the wallpaper then blaming her big brother and running away without penalty, until you want to reach into the screen, give her a slap and call her a cunt. OK maybe that was too far.

Laura Hogg!

Bore-a Spogg claims to be "one of Scotland’s next big exports", which I'm sure she will be filed under the same category of rat droppings and impure heroin. The reason I've kept these rundown's so short is a) there's too many of them and b) some of them about as interesting as a grey smear in a box factory. Bore-a Spogg is one of them, she's so boring that even Lord Sugar can't even insult her with his infallable power of a complete tosser.

Michael Copp!

Having been booted off tonight for being a total bellend, Michael has the least motivation to be a narcissistic wanker. But when Alan was about to raise his finger in a non-sexual way to fire his unlikable as, he whined like there was an angle grinder inching it's way towards his penis. Having spent this bit complaining about how whiny he is, some of you may think this was a "copp"-out, but I just couldn't work up the energy to insult him for anything other than acting like a dick at his firing (By the way I think I deserve a medal for that ridiculously contrived pun).

Nick Holzherr!

Well here's Dick Meinheir, who's more bog-eyed than a badly painted Aragorn figurine who needs a piss, and looks like he does his hair with a windmachine. Anyway to my disappointment Lord Sugar doesn't even tell him to get a haircut, and also he's a pretty good candidate who's ideas and initiative often help his team to win, so despite his loathsome appearance, I quite like him.

Ricky Martin!

I can barely type these words I'm so scared of him. Not only is he mysterious am I'm sure he has the same name as a singer from somewhere, but

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Halo: Reach: Nitpick Time

I can never decide if my favourite gaming series is Halo or Half-Life, both series' frequently clash against each other, and I feel like a flighty heroine trying to stop the fighting and say "You can both have me!"... hmm? Oh sorry.

So anyway: Halo: Reach. The final Halo game Bungie ever developed and a worthy end to a worthy series. Let's get the niceness out of the way first: Halo's largely non-linear and explorative gameplay remains intact and as fun as ever, the vehicle sections are mostly excellent, the new armour abilities (aside from the ridiculous Armour Lock) were a good idea; the jetpack in particular makes me grin like I have a coathanger jammed in my mouth. And the multiplayer has been given enough changes that, combined with the 3 year gap, makes Halo fresh enough to play again. Congrats Bungie.

But to the chocolate truffle comes the dog turd, to Rome comes Empire and to the giddy happiness of the Christmas releases comes Call of Duty. There are many problems with Halo: Reach, a lot nitpicks, but some pretty substantial ones too. Take it away, me:

The characters in the game are some of the worst I've seen in Halo (and I played Halo 3: ODST). Every single one of them are self-righteous, self-lessly heroic, cliched twats who would be willing to sacrifise themselves at the drop of a hat (irony). Jorge is the only one who even comes close to having 2 dimensions when he speaks to the farmer woman, but even that feels forced and is immediately forgotten under waves and waves of macho dialogue that never fails to force my palm so far into my face my nose flies out of the back of my head.

There's one scene where characters who are supposed to be mother and son talk but their dialogue was so hard and emotionless that I thought he used to be her gynaecologist or something. Also some of the voice acting makes my ears want to curl into protest of this shit. Jorge's accent flits randomly to British, then Italian, then German, and finally back to British when he sacrifises himself.

There are other problems with the game, one minor yet irritating one being that Halo's graphics haven't improved at all in 3 years, but that hardly matters. What DOES matter though, and what made my old Xbox 360 controller snap, is the fucking AI. I can count the amount of games I've played with good AI on one hand (namely Hitman: Blood Money and Shogun 2), and Halo is not among them. I remember in Halo 1 getting so angry with the marines I'd blast the one of a turret in the head, jump on it and spray the rest with enough hot lead to kill Jason Vorhees, and when one was remaining and desperately firing in my general direction and shitting his pants, I'd whack him round the chops with a 4-foot sniper rifle and beat his corpse to a bloody mess. Reading that back makes me want to get myself sectioned by ranting about things is very therapeutic and allows me to unwind in ways that are only marginally psychotic.

ANYWAY HALO: REACH! The AI when driving smack into walls and carry on driving for 5 seconds or 5 plasma explosions too long and Noble Six's body ends up flying 50 feet away to a very confused grunt. But they also can't shoot for shit, so I always just abandon them off cliffs, which is incidently hilarious.

Other than these problems though, Halo: Reach is great. The spire battle is a particularly excellent highlight of the campaign where you can choose how to take it down, plus that map is the shit in multiplayer. Thanks Bungie, for a fantastic ending to one of my favourite series of all time.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Bored, Bored, Bored, New Idea.

Urgh, I'm so ridiculously bored. You see, with the current list of new games being released being shorter than a dwarf in a car crusher, and of that list only about 2 that I have an interest in getting (Silent Hill HD and Fall of the Samurai, one of which is just two old games with a makeover), I've resorted to buying old games that are awesome but I missed for various reasons. Examples include the Thief series, Duke Nukem 3D (that one because I was still resting in my mother's womb when it came out) and Psychonauts, which I'm playing at the moment.

So, onto my idea: I am going to run through some of my favourite games, films, books etc and talk about all the things I hate about them. I've no idea why I want to do this, but it's probably to do with me being a masochist.

First on my list: Halo: Reach, the concluding installment of the generally excellent Halo series and if Halo 4 turns out to be as shit as I predict, considered by me to be the FINAL game in the Halo series. Fanboy, moi? Yes there's plenty I like about the game that warranted it being one of my games of 2010, but there's quite a few things in there that demand attention.

So, expect that either today or tomorrow.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Serious Sam 3 VIDEO review

Hey guys, I have just posted a video review of Serious Sam 3 that you can view here.

Or, more preferably, here:



For updates on progress, well there isn't any. John is still editing the podcast, and I'm not sure how long it will take, so I'll update when I know something.

Thanks.

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Random Thoughts: Daggerfall Combat and Gettysburg

So I recently downloaded The Elder Scrolls II: Daggerfall a few months ago, and after getting through the hideously badly controls and interface I tried out the combat. Even though controlling your character feels like I'm a fork-lift designed by Satan, the combat feels significantly better than Morrowind, Oblivion etc.

If you haven't played it, the way to swing say an axe is to hold down LMB, then move the mouse in the direction you want the axe to go. Say I want to do a diagonal swipe, I'd hold down Left Mouse Button then move the mouse curser across the screen diagonally. It's more intuitive and involving than the random clicking of Morrowind through Skyrim, but it's made significantly worse by the fact that you have to stop, find the button to make yourself look down, up or side to side, then find the sweet spot to actually swing your bloody weapon.

So my thoughts are: try implementing this system with the today's super high tech and that could make for some good combat. I read in PC Gamer recently (not this but it's pretty much the same difference) about a new Battlefield-style game called War of the Roses, which takes the 64-player battles of Battlefield and transplants them into arguably the dullest historical period. The developers have said they're going to use the Daggerfall style combat for the swords, axes, maces etc, which sounds good.

Finally, a game I am interested in getting within a month or two. Yay.

Also quickly: Gettysburg: Armoured Warfare Steampunk American Civil War where the Confederates have tanks? Sold. ESPECIALLY for £7.

Monday, 23 January 2012

Kingdoms of Amalur Demo First Impressions

What with the line up of 2012 games thus far like staring into a bottomless pit with a microscope, I'm getting desperate. So I downloaded the demo for this game: Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.

Launching into the first cutscene I was confronted by the opening scene of the Lord of the Rings, complete with the voice of Lady Galadriel. Suspicious, I went on to the next cutscene, but had already forgotten what I was just fucking told. This is a game where the plot is totally impenetrable, it tells you maybe a quarter of what you need to know and let's you figure the rest out on your own. The next cutscene showed 2 hilarious gnomes shoving my corpse while talking about me like the Orcs talk about Frodo in Return of the King I decide to be the third sub-type of human and launched into my game. The first scene showed me launched into a pile of rotting bodies which is supposed to be disgusting to look at but falls flat on it's face like a fat kid running on a tightrope because 1) the cartoony visuals just make it laughable and 2) THEY'RE WEARING FUCKING CALVIN CLINE UNDERWEAR.

The first thing I found about the combat is that they go for the Skyrim feel of just spamming left mouse button until your enemies fall over. There is no skill whatsoever, and every kill I got felt unsatisfying, that is until I was at least able to sneak. I'm torn over the sneaking, I can't decide whether it's fantasticly satisfying to backstab an enemy who didn't know you were there, or it's annoying because the kill animations take about 5 seconds and suck you out of the experience like a fun seeking vaccuum cleaner.

If you don't like combat or sneaking, how about magic? Well; the magic is ridiculously overpowered, with every enemy dying with one shot, the only downside to this is that the only spell you can learn in the demo eats mana in the same way a chimp with the munchies eats bananas.

Finally in the whole combat spectrum there is archery... which feels worse than having the third hand of a clock shoved down your cock while the other goes up your nose. The targeting system considers a patch of grass giving you evil eyes more of a threat than the giant troll that just crushed your gnome friends into the nether.

Speaking of which it is impossible to take seriously, even though gnomes are dying all over the place the way they are being chased and the fact that they're so small makes it feel like Fantasy Benny Hill.

On a final note, the camera just hates me. Whenever I run through a door it gets distracted by the door frame and zooms in on that, leaving me to just get whaled on by a large group of enemies with swords for cocks.

In conclusion, I will not be getting this game, in fact I'd sooner recommend chewing off your own nipples.