WELCOME

Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Monday, 23 January 2012

Kingdoms of Amalur Demo First Impressions

What with the line up of 2012 games thus far like staring into a bottomless pit with a microscope, I'm getting desperate. So I downloaded the demo for this game: Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.

Launching into the first cutscene I was confronted by the opening scene of the Lord of the Rings, complete with the voice of Lady Galadriel. Suspicious, I went on to the next cutscene, but had already forgotten what I was just fucking told. This is a game where the plot is totally impenetrable, it tells you maybe a quarter of what you need to know and let's you figure the rest out on your own. The next cutscene showed 2 hilarious gnomes shoving my corpse while talking about me like the Orcs talk about Frodo in Return of the King I decide to be the third sub-type of human and launched into my game. The first scene showed me launched into a pile of rotting bodies which is supposed to be disgusting to look at but falls flat on it's face like a fat kid running on a tightrope because 1) the cartoony visuals just make it laughable and 2) THEY'RE WEARING FUCKING CALVIN CLINE UNDERWEAR.

The first thing I found about the combat is that they go for the Skyrim feel of just spamming left mouse button until your enemies fall over. There is no skill whatsoever, and every kill I got felt unsatisfying, that is until I was at least able to sneak. I'm torn over the sneaking, I can't decide whether it's fantasticly satisfying to backstab an enemy who didn't know you were there, or it's annoying because the kill animations take about 5 seconds and suck you out of the experience like a fun seeking vaccuum cleaner.

If you don't like combat or sneaking, how about magic? Well; the magic is ridiculously overpowered, with every enemy dying with one shot, the only downside to this is that the only spell you can learn in the demo eats mana in the same way a chimp with the munchies eats bananas.

Finally in the whole combat spectrum there is archery... which feels worse than having the third hand of a clock shoved down your cock while the other goes up your nose. The targeting system considers a patch of grass giving you evil eyes more of a threat than the giant troll that just crushed your gnome friends into the nether.

Speaking of which it is impossible to take seriously, even though gnomes are dying all over the place the way they are being chased and the fact that they're so small makes it feel like Fantasy Benny Hill.

On a final note, the camera just hates me. Whenever I run through a door it gets distracted by the door frame and zooms in on that, leaving me to just get whaled on by a large group of enemies with swords for cocks.

In conclusion, I will not be getting this game, in fact I'd sooner recommend chewing off your own nipples.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

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...Seriously, it threatens the whole internet!

Daniel J Barker, Rofling Officer.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Total War Retrospective

The Total War series has always been a beacon of great strategy games and my favourite strategy series of all time... only just. I say that because while Shogun 1 and Medieval 1 were good, if a little bare feeling, and Rome and Medieval II are exceptional, then Empire and Napoleon are like attempting to take a piss while your cock is blocked with glass. Truly, watching a unit of musketeers walk slowly towards the enemy, shooting them, killing about 5 blokes then spending 30 seconds reloading is almost as boring as Paint Drying 2: Extended Edition (which is a REAL title… or it would be if I hadn’t made it up). So then, should I finally give my opinions on what I feel is the greatest title in the series and the (second) shittest title in the series, and why that is.

Medieval II: Total War!

OK then, Medieval 2. What makes it great? Well, the battles feel fucking great, charging a unit of 150 axemen into the front of an enemy unit while smacking into the back of them with a unit of cavalry is not only is amazing to watch, but the fact that you orchestrated that makes it more satisfactory than a hand job in a chocolate factory. Not only this but managing the economy is as challenging as it was in Rome; blowing all your money on military units (and if you do that you don’t even deserve to have a place in the human race let alone own this game) will quickly lead to bankruptcy and rebellion, while spending all your money on agriculture and markets will give you quite a lot of money in a few turns, but will also result in you being invaded by your neighbours who, despite how hysterically thick the AI is, will have better units than you. To imagine the impending battle just visualise a heavily armed spider vs a naked, retarded, arachnophobic Moroccan coward fly. My opinion on this being the best game in the Total War series is mainly subjective; I much prefer the system of having cities and castles that require even more thought about how to manage your empire and I prefer the period of history, because Roman history is mainly Rome walk into a country and demolish all resistance. So then, what’s wrong with the game? Well I’ve already mentioned the ridiculous AI who usually aren’t able to invade via the sea, and usually they can’t notice a heavily armoured cavalry unit with a general with a crown the size of Scotland on his head charging for 2 miles directly into their back. Also (a tradition in Total War games) the game is buggy as shit. From bugs that stop the enemy from attacking you to a bug that stops me from moving on the campaign map, they are all annoying enough to litter the area around my computer with ripped out hair. However this are VERY minor complaints which you will hardly remember in your overall experience of the best game in the Total War series.

Empire: Total War!

I have quite a bit of respect for Creative Assembly for trying what they did with Empire. A lot of developers, like Infinity Ward and Nintendo, just release the exact same game every year with little changes other than reskinned weapons, but Creative Assembly felt compelled to move the series on, which is why it's a shame the game sucks so much cock it now attends "Felators Anonymous" 5 times a week. Yes I had respect for Creative Assembly for trying something new... but Empire is so boooooooooring. Going into each battle I gave out a resigned sigh; watching a line of infantry trundle over to an enemy unit before shooting and killing maybe 5, then spending 30 seconds reloading never gets any more entertaining the thousands of times you watch it. The Naval Battles are also pathetic, not only do the ships move so slowly you'd be forgive for thinking the sailors' hands had been replaced with fucking footballs, but the ships' maneuverability is ridiculously bad. You can spend half an hour perfectly lining your ship in a straight line to attack the enemy, and he still turns more than a revolving door on a turntable. The campaign map is one of the only good things about the game; the sheer scale of it means it is all the more rewarding for seeing it through to the end and conquering the entire world. Unfortunately, that will never fucking happen because the game becomes so tedious about half an hour in I give up and vow to never play the fucking thing again.

Napoleon: Total War!

Oh fucking hell, there's no real way to tell you how I feel about this piece of shite other than telling you that 1)The huge map, the only redeeming feature of Empire is gone (now the campaign map may as well be the size of a digestive biscuit) and 2) All the other factions other than Napoleon are less substantial than... than a... oh fuck. Well you get it. This is fucking shite.

Total War: Shogun 2!

Finally a return to the greatness of Total War, at last. So yeah.

Thanks.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Happy New Year!

Hi everyone! Hope you all had a good Christmas and a great New Year and that is too much kindness in one sentence for me.

Anyway, you should expect a retrospective review of Medieval II: Total War. And after that review of a good game, I'll put a little comparison to Empire: Total War, the devil's incarnation in gaming. OK, yes I'm exaggerating, but if Medieval II was the peak of the mountain of Total War, then Empire is so low it has dug a never ending hole.

That and the podcast, which is currently being recorded, should keep me busy for the start of the New Year.

Thanks.

Orcs Must Die! review

Quick note: I forgot to upload this a while ago.

John: A game genre which seem to be popping up more than a cock with viagra, this year, are the 3rd and 1st person tower defence games, such as Dungeon Defenders and Sanctum. They all involve setting up a long path for the enemies to walk down, with many corners in it for rapists to jump out and molest them. Along these paths you set up different weapons to slaughter whatever mindless AI you happen to be fighting, hoping they don't get to the core full of puppys/chocolate/ hookers which you want all for yourself. However now theirs Orcs Must Die, which removes all the unnecessary crap like forcing enemies down certain paths, and replaces it with more killing and gore than Friday the 13th as made by a Sweeney Todd. But god is it good killing.

Dan: Oh yeah, I’m so smart… and handsome,” says the smug wanker I’m having to play as he sets up what will surely be the greatest trap ever, a floor plate that catapults Orcs into wall blades that tear them into teeny tiny pieces. At which point I have a little squirt. This is what gaming is all about. Orcs Must Die is the funnest thing I’ve done since that time I accidently inserted my cock into a washing machine. Every level is fulfilling, the traps unlock in a tantalising order. At first I thought “Wow wall blades! They sound awesome!” which they were (oh fucking hell they’re AMAZING), then I unlock the floor plate that catapults enemies into fucking lava. Right now I’ve just got a masher plate that crushes enemies from the ceiling… simply saying those words makes me want to go and play this game. There’s only one possible criticism I can think of; the cunt you play is so arrogant and smug and stupid that I don’t really want him to win. I want him to fall in lava, or acid, or get catapulted out of a window like the 4,500 Orcs that have already gone down that path. Another little nit-pick is that ogres seem a little over powered. I could have designed an elaborate set of traps that massacres any Orc within a 10 mile radius into little hilarious pieces like in an insane asylum crossed with a butchers, then an ogre will run in and sprint at me, ignoring the arrow traps and smack me like the wanker that I am. But this is very minor; this is just a great game, hands down one of my favourite games of 2011, certainly the best Indie game I’ve ever played. Buy it. Now. Please.

John: This game reminds me of the Saw films designed some frat boys. The main character sounds like he looks at himself in the mirror more than he kills orcs by the sound of what he says, and he has the intelligence of a monkey dropped as a child, but in all honesty he doesn't bother me that much, and if it was a serious character, this games tone would have dropped more than a heavy black and white camera. One thing I have noticed however is that some of the traps are more useless than a tampon for men, and by half way through the 2nd act of the game, you basically have every trap and spell worthwhile, in comparison some are extremely overpowered, such as the fire floor thing (can't remember the name) which annihilates almost all orcs faster than if I just nuked them with ponies.

Another complaint which many people have with game is the lack of bloody co-op. This is a game which would suit co-op more than chloroform and anybody from Weight Watchers when chatting up women. However I myself don't believe that co-op is necessary, as I think the joy is seeing that one of your friends has beaten you on the leader boards for a level, and thus spending the next few hours trying to beat it, and adding re-playability. This is certainly my Indie game of the year as well (yes even better than Bastion and Minecraft), so commend Robot Entertainment for their effort here. I look forward to their next game, but before that, buy this now or suffer the wrath of a lead pipe to the crotch... While on fire.

Dan: Overall, Orcs Must Die is a great game, the traps are the most satisfying thing in a game since Hitler Blaster 3, the third game in a series where you blast Hitler in the face (with Stalin joining him in a final boss fight). Speaking of Hitler and Stalin, Orcs Must Die is really just a fantasy genocide simulator, except floor traps that catapult Orcs back into walls with blades on them wins out against firing squads. The guy you play is a wanker, but whatever. It doesn’t bother me that much, and it shouldn’t bother you that much. Now as I’m about half way through Orcs Must Die, I’m going to go and play it some more. For those that are unsure of buying this game, please just do it. Support the developers who made this great, great game. Slaughter some Orcs, set up traps, and level up abilities.

John:.... And wipe out a race of humanoid creatures, Now buy it for £11, it's cheaper than an ugly hooker.