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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Monday, 23 January 2012

Kingdoms of Amalur Demo First Impressions

What with the line up of 2012 games thus far like staring into a bottomless pit with a microscope, I'm getting desperate. So I downloaded the demo for this game: Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.

Launching into the first cutscene I was confronted by the opening scene of the Lord of the Rings, complete with the voice of Lady Galadriel. Suspicious, I went on to the next cutscene, but had already forgotten what I was just fucking told. This is a game where the plot is totally impenetrable, it tells you maybe a quarter of what you need to know and let's you figure the rest out on your own. The next cutscene showed 2 hilarious gnomes shoving my corpse while talking about me like the Orcs talk about Frodo in Return of the King I decide to be the third sub-type of human and launched into my game. The first scene showed me launched into a pile of rotting bodies which is supposed to be disgusting to look at but falls flat on it's face like a fat kid running on a tightrope because 1) the cartoony visuals just make it laughable and 2) THEY'RE WEARING FUCKING CALVIN CLINE UNDERWEAR.

The first thing I found about the combat is that they go for the Skyrim feel of just spamming left mouse button until your enemies fall over. There is no skill whatsoever, and every kill I got felt unsatisfying, that is until I was at least able to sneak. I'm torn over the sneaking, I can't decide whether it's fantasticly satisfying to backstab an enemy who didn't know you were there, or it's annoying because the kill animations take about 5 seconds and suck you out of the experience like a fun seeking vaccuum cleaner.

If you don't like combat or sneaking, how about magic? Well; the magic is ridiculously overpowered, with every enemy dying with one shot, the only downside to this is that the only spell you can learn in the demo eats mana in the same way a chimp with the munchies eats bananas.

Finally in the whole combat spectrum there is archery... which feels worse than having the third hand of a clock shoved down your cock while the other goes up your nose. The targeting system considers a patch of grass giving you evil eyes more of a threat than the giant troll that just crushed your gnome friends into the nether.

Speaking of which it is impossible to take seriously, even though gnomes are dying all over the place the way they are being chased and the fact that they're so small makes it feel like Fantasy Benny Hill.

On a final note, the camera just hates me. Whenever I run through a door it gets distracted by the door frame and zooms in on that, leaving me to just get whaled on by a large group of enemies with swords for cocks.

In conclusion, I will not be getting this game, in fact I'd sooner recommend chewing off your own nipples.

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