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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Thursday, 5 January 2012

Total War Retrospective

The Total War series has always been a beacon of great strategy games and my favourite strategy series of all time... only just. I say that because while Shogun 1 and Medieval 1 were good, if a little bare feeling, and Rome and Medieval II are exceptional, then Empire and Napoleon are like attempting to take a piss while your cock is blocked with glass. Truly, watching a unit of musketeers walk slowly towards the enemy, shooting them, killing about 5 blokes then spending 30 seconds reloading is almost as boring as Paint Drying 2: Extended Edition (which is a REAL title… or it would be if I hadn’t made it up). So then, should I finally give my opinions on what I feel is the greatest title in the series and the (second) shittest title in the series, and why that is.

Medieval II: Total War!

OK then, Medieval 2. What makes it great? Well, the battles feel fucking great, charging a unit of 150 axemen into the front of an enemy unit while smacking into the back of them with a unit of cavalry is not only is amazing to watch, but the fact that you orchestrated that makes it more satisfactory than a hand job in a chocolate factory. Not only this but managing the economy is as challenging as it was in Rome; blowing all your money on military units (and if you do that you don’t even deserve to have a place in the human race let alone own this game) will quickly lead to bankruptcy and rebellion, while spending all your money on agriculture and markets will give you quite a lot of money in a few turns, but will also result in you being invaded by your neighbours who, despite how hysterically thick the AI is, will have better units than you. To imagine the impending battle just visualise a heavily armed spider vs a naked, retarded, arachnophobic Moroccan coward fly. My opinion on this being the best game in the Total War series is mainly subjective; I much prefer the system of having cities and castles that require even more thought about how to manage your empire and I prefer the period of history, because Roman history is mainly Rome walk into a country and demolish all resistance. So then, what’s wrong with the game? Well I’ve already mentioned the ridiculous AI who usually aren’t able to invade via the sea, and usually they can’t notice a heavily armoured cavalry unit with a general with a crown the size of Scotland on his head charging for 2 miles directly into their back. Also (a tradition in Total War games) the game is buggy as shit. From bugs that stop the enemy from attacking you to a bug that stops me from moving on the campaign map, they are all annoying enough to litter the area around my computer with ripped out hair. However this are VERY minor complaints which you will hardly remember in your overall experience of the best game in the Total War series.

Empire: Total War!

I have quite a bit of respect for Creative Assembly for trying what they did with Empire. A lot of developers, like Infinity Ward and Nintendo, just release the exact same game every year with little changes other than reskinned weapons, but Creative Assembly felt compelled to move the series on, which is why it's a shame the game sucks so much cock it now attends "Felators Anonymous" 5 times a week. Yes I had respect for Creative Assembly for trying something new... but Empire is so boooooooooring. Going into each battle I gave out a resigned sigh; watching a line of infantry trundle over to an enemy unit before shooting and killing maybe 5, then spending 30 seconds reloading never gets any more entertaining the thousands of times you watch it. The Naval Battles are also pathetic, not only do the ships move so slowly you'd be forgive for thinking the sailors' hands had been replaced with fucking footballs, but the ships' maneuverability is ridiculously bad. You can spend half an hour perfectly lining your ship in a straight line to attack the enemy, and he still turns more than a revolving door on a turntable. The campaign map is one of the only good things about the game; the sheer scale of it means it is all the more rewarding for seeing it through to the end and conquering the entire world. Unfortunately, that will never fucking happen because the game becomes so tedious about half an hour in I give up and vow to never play the fucking thing again.

Napoleon: Total War!

Oh fucking hell, there's no real way to tell you how I feel about this piece of shite other than telling you that 1)The huge map, the only redeeming feature of Empire is gone (now the campaign map may as well be the size of a digestive biscuit) and 2) All the other factions other than Napoleon are less substantial than... than a... oh fuck. Well you get it. This is fucking shite.

Total War: Shogun 2!

Finally a return to the greatness of Total War, at last. So yeah.

Thanks.

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