Now that episode three of the UK version of The Apprentice has limped past, I decided to do a quick rundown of each narcissistic prick competing for Lord Sugar's (a man who resembles a walrus from Brooklyn) affections.
Well this guy I actually quite like. Yes he's more snarky than Nathan Drake on a caffiene drip, and yes he backstabs like a Borgia with a phobia of spinal columns, but yes he is a genuinely likable contestant, who is probably my favourite thus far, even though he's hated by absolutely everyone else.
Bloody hell does this guy do nothing. Azhar's role is to jump in whenever he stops thinking about vaginas and dancing all over his project manager. I seriously can't remember him doing a single thing in three episodes; he generally just stands there being ignored like he's just a watermark advertising what's on next on BBC 3.
The first total narcissist on the list, Duane's irritating, patronising, "oh-I'm-a-much-better-salesman-than-you" cuntish face is enough for me to start tearing nipples off (although that might be me). In all seriousness he is a pretty decent project manager but everytime someone says something like that it just swells his bloody ego, which admittedly at this point is like sprinkling a couple of pennies onto the Official Chinese Money Pile.
Gabby Oman seems to have a allergy to smiles, because she's either sat there totally stone-faced, or with a totally false smile that makes her look like Michael Myer's Mum watching him in action. Another boring candidate who hasn't really done much except mentally masturbate over her own talents and a blindfolded believer that Alan Sugar loves her. Overall she's about as appealing as a bowl of porridge with some spunk mixed in, but at least functional.
To be totally honest, I have no idea what this person has done, which is a pretty bad sign. So with that in mind, I'll just take the mick out of her appearance because I'm cruel. She looks like she's had an old lady's mouth sellotaped onto her and her eyes give her a slightly evil look, like staring for too long allows her to absorb my soul.
With a name that sounds like James McAvoy had a sex change and a, that would make a peacock's feathers wilt in shame, Jane seems to be the token garish contestant who gets on all the other's tits, but the more I watched of her the more this wasn't true. She's more like the token "safe" candidate who takes less risks than a Tomb Raider developer. Her personal motto is so obnoxiously generic: "’Anything is achievable if you have drive, determination, and a seriously good work ethic." It sounds like she's addressing a bunch of school kids, something I'm sure Alan Sugar will really appreciate.
Arggh! Even looking at her on Google Images is making me want to bend to her will, but her hilarious voice conflicts with her evil appearance to the point that it becomes suspicious, like if George Bush put on a 50 Cent voice when he visited some 18 year olds to get their vote. In all seriousness, she's a pretty charming (OK I can't say that with a straight face)... well she's not as egomaniacal as the other fuckheads, and that's comforting I guess.
Now she is a totally TWAT, who is not only a worse businessman than a pig with Down's Syndrome that eats money, but she constantly blames her problems on absolutely everyone else to further level up her narcissism. Overall, watching her is like watching an infuriating 3 year old spraying poo on the wallpaper then blaming her big brother and running away without penalty, until you want to reach into the screen, give her a slap and call her a cunt. OK maybe that was too far.
Bore-a Spogg claims to be "one of Scotland’s next big exports", which I'm sure she will be filed under the same category of rat droppings and impure heroin. The reason I've kept these rundown's so short is a) there's too many of them and b) some of them about as interesting as a grey smear in a box factory. Bore-a Spogg is one of them, she's so boring that even Lord Sugar can't even insult her with his infallable power of a complete tosser.
Having been booted off tonight for being a total bellend, Michael has the least motivation to be a narcissistic wanker. But when Alan was about to raise his finger in a non-sexual way to fire his unlikable as, he whined like there was an angle grinder inching it's way towards his penis. Having spent this bit complaining about how whiny he is, some of you may think this was a "copp"-out, but I just couldn't work up the energy to insult him for anything other than acting like a dick at his firing (By the way I think I deserve a medal for that ridiculously contrived pun).
Well here's Dick Meinheir, who's more bog-eyed than a badly painted Aragorn figurine who needs a piss, and looks like he does his hair with a windmachine. Anyway to my disappointment Lord Sugar doesn't even tell him to get a haircut, and also he's a pretty good candidate who's ideas and initiative often help his team to win, so despite his loathsome appearance, I quite like him.
I can barely type these words I'm so scared of him. Not only is he mysterious am I'm sure he has the same name as a singer from somewhere, but