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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Sunday, 27 May 2012

Joint Review: Eurovision Song Contest 2012

Jonith: So, its Eurovision time again, when Europeans all sit down, and listen to awful music and epic saxophone playing while complaining about everything. It is a time for mocking, a time for annoyance and a time to start popping anti-depressants like a whore sucks cocks. This means it's time to carry on with my annual tradition of what I like to call my live rant, where I watch each act while writing about them, this time with special guest, Oliver Rolfing too share the pain of this. Now bring this on HOO FUCKING RAH.

Rofling Officer: I can't believe we're at this time again, this time, we're live in Azerbaijan for the song contest between some European countries (it's news to me that Azerbaijan is in Europe, but there you go). The Eurovision is pretty much a hate figure for every imbecile fresh from The Voice who needs some more idiot TV. The difference being, everyone loves complaining about this particular song contest, because of biases and stuff. But anyway, for the time being, I present mine and Jonith's review of the Eurovision Song Contest 2012. Enjoy.

1. Great Britain - Love Will Set You Free- Engelbert Humperdink

John: I think the first thing that needs to be said is, holy shit that name. It sounds like the sounds you would make if you were busy drowning in custard. Who is he, a made up bad guy from a children's TV show. Also, the way he sings about love makes it seem like we chose the world's most elegant paedophile to sing our song. Really though, I shouldn't be making fun of him, because the song itself is decent enough, not completely crap, but also not good enough to win. I personally like this song and C'MON GREAT BRITAIN.

Rofling: First up we have the greatest country in the world, with Angel-burp Hump-a-dick and his song: "Love Will Set You Free". I have to tip my hat to them for picking a name so cliche it comes right round and sounds awesome again. Looking like an Italian Paul McCartney with an eating disorder, Humperdinck steps onto stage. The song itself is about as fast paced as a William Shatner monologue as dictated by a brain damaged slug, but there's nothing particularly obnoxious about it (aside from maybe the strobes in the background that gave me a seizure). Eventually the song ends with a big crescendo and everyone forgets about him. Nicely done Engelbert, you weren't unpleasant.

2. Hungary - Sound of our Hearts - Compact Disco

Rofling: Wow the lead singer looks like Goth Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and the others look like they were plucked straight from a Nirvana video from 1993, but the song itself is actually pretty alright. The chorus is catchy, he sings pretty good and the singer is getting really into it. Weirdly, I think that's Jade Goody on stage there with them (and oh fucking hell that was the worst thing I have ever written and I hate myself for it), and oh the song's over. Well that was only slightly longer than a TV show about the lighter side of the Borgias, slightly disappointed.

3. Albania - Suus- Rona Nishliu

Jonith: I have no idea what the name of this song, sounding like the name of an awful foreign food dish which you may be served while being sick into a toilet, but what I do know is that this song seems to be sung by Medusa, the Fat Prostitute years. Also, this person can't sing, it seems like I'm having somebody have glass crushed in my ears every time she sings. Is she singing, or shouting at a dragon flying across the back of the arena? Nobody knows, Nobody Knows. Rofling: Next we have an Albanian woman with a church on her head, and just singing fucking nonsense words that make no sense (no I'm not talking about Albanian, they are actually nonsense words). The tone of the song is flitting about like the Millenium Falcon on acid, and when she attempts to hit high notes she sounds like she's trying to shatter my TV screen to stop me listening to this absolute SHIT. OH FUCK ME THIS IS TERRIBLE! The high notes are akin to having my ears grated onto Colonel Gaddafi's erect penis now; I can't take it anymore. Thank God, it's over. I'll be right back, just going to blast a hole where my ears used to be...

4.Lithuania - Love is Blind- Donny Montell

Jonith: Well this guy's name sounds like a really bad 80's musician, but in fact he looks like an escape artist who has walked into the wrong dressing room. Seriously who does he think he is, a demon hunter. Actually, it makes more sense if he thinks he's an extra from Phantom of the Fucking Opera. And then when he takes the blindfold off, what is he doing then, starting his stripping routine? This dancing is possibly the most non sensual thing ever. He's like a puppet dancing being controlled by a snowman on crack.

Rofling: Wearing a blindfold with glitter on it (which makes it seem like you've been kidnapped by Christopher Biggins while in his campest mood) and with about as many spotlights as there were shining when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah and claimed he was gay, the Lithuanian act is introduced. The song itself sounds like a blend of Whitney Houston and Alvin and the Chipmunks and a particularly pretentious James Bond theme song. My rating: about as entertaining as watching paint dry on a wall while the wall punches you on the cock.

5.Bosnia and Herzegovinininia. - Korake ti zanam - Mayasar

Jonith: Now we have a Joanna Lumley impersonator after extreme botox surgery. She also appears to be wearing the Great Pyramid on each of her shoulders, or taking part in a complex assassination attempt were both of the tips are coated with poison. She also sounds like she's trying to serenade a dying cat while injecting heroin into her eyes. Fuck me this is such a bad song. And then she just abandons here piano, what has that piano ever done to you bitch, send in your money today to go and rescue those helpless abandoned pianos.

6. Russia - Party for Everybody - Those Granny People

Jonith: The start of this song sounds like the theme tune to a bloody Elder Scrolls game before turning into possibly the worst dance theme ever. It sounds like it was composed by a death Kim Jong Il... After his death. I can understand the novelty about them being old people, but thats so fucking patronising, you may as well start patting them on the head after they have a shit next. This is generic Euro nonsense and nobody in their right mind should vote for them... Unless you get turned on by this sort of thing, in which case you're probably violently masturbating into the TV.

Rofling: Sigh... the singers: a bunch of old grannies (like there's a riot at the post office and no pensioners are able to collect). ARGH MY EARS. I can think of 7 billion people off the top of my head who can sing better than these incontinent shitheads. Watching them "sing" while cooking dinner makes me feel like I've injected heroin directly into my brain... except the heroin is AIDS. Please make it stop. If anyone votes for Russia they'll get a throwing knife embedded in their skull courtesy of the Rofling Officer. The song itself is even more repetitive than a broken dictaphone playing a speech by Obama, and still the fucking retards are cheering. Guess I'm going to need a lot of throwing knives.

7. Iceland - Never Forget - Greta Salome & Jonse

Rofling: "Never Forget"? Not directly leeching off Take That I hope. They could have at least changed Forget to Forgot or something... no no no no no no when these two cunts sing together they sound like when I beat my cats with a dying mouse with "irony" written on it. I was warming to the song at first, but Jesus Christ no one can sound like that unless they're either possessed by the Devil or possessed by the spirit of a Puritan conspirator plotting to murder the very concept of music itself. The "strong" chorus sounds totally different to the rest of the song, and weirdly they actually sound alright. But it's far too little and later than a turtle with narcolepsy.

8. Cyprus - La La Love - Ivi Adamou

Jonith: Supposedly this is one of the favourites from what I have seen people say. Now I think that's just because this is masturbation material for the majority of people watching. The singer looks like a Cypriot Kelly Brooke, however she also seems to be producing an unusual amount of testosterone as she as an extremely deep voice. The chorus has the imagination of a Call of Duty game about Americans, and the depth in the song lyrics as well.

9. France - Echo (You and I) - Anggun

Jonith: So now we have a performance by the world's leading white flag makers. The tone of the lyrics seem to fit the semi-techno background like a holocaust movie created by the characters out of Toy Story. It also appears that the background dancers is wearing the white flag of France instead of pants, which is always good to be showing such national pride. The song itself is awful, and has the imagination of my jokes about the French in it, so I'll give up now.

Rofling: What are France going to do for the Olympics in August? Send a singer instead of a gymnastics team? The song itself just sounds like a backing track for the gymnasts, like she was ordered to make it forgettable (so much so that I've forgotten it even while listening) to give the gymnasts as much attention as possible. Maybe it's a plot by the French bastards for them to win. She dresses like a Concubine Superhero and sounds like Chris Redfield is punching her vocal chords, and the random techno backing sounds like someone is staging a chase scene on a vinyl record. Utter garbage.

10. Italy - L'amore e femmina (Out of Love) - Nina Zilli

Rofling: Chinese Amy Winehouse now, with her backing sassy black women, uh huh. Ambiguous racism aside, I really really like this song. Aside from the stupid "la la la la la" thrown in there, the lyrics are fun and don't repeat as much as the others and the tune is instantly catchy. Even now it's got me nodding in time and smiling like I'm having my balls massaged by a courtesan with a testicle fetish (please excuse the revolting imagery). Excellent, my favourite so far. She'll get my vote if the others are faecal fountains too.

11. Estonia - Kuula - Ott Lepland

Jonith: Apparantly these have sent a singer who is so close to his mic, he may as well be giving it a blow job by this point. He sings with an effort so lacklustre, even the comatose will be getting bored by this song, and he has so little emotion he may as well be the world's most boring robot. Even when he gets louder to seemingly get to the epic part of the song he drops back down like he has erectile dysfunction... Except with the voice except the penis. I do like how he's on stage himself, and doesn't have some boring background dancers though, so there's a plus.

12. Norway - Stay - Tooji

Jonith: You know, Norway really missed a trick by not sending themselves some Norwegian Country Rock Music, which was even up for contention to sing for them, but they didn't and my hopes for that were dashed. Instead we get a cunt. That's all there is to say about him, seriously, he may as well be walking around with his shirt of, grating people's faces with his abs while boasting about how many girls he's has toss him off, which incidentally is what he is, a tosser. I really hate this guy with a passion, and it would be my dream for him to slip and break a leg or something. Somebody run on stage and punch him with brass knuckles please, it will be for the best. He is worse than the guy who gave cancer to kittens Seriously, this guy is extremely obnoxious and I would rather have my penis removed by flaming tongs than carry on listening to it.

Rofling: A musical rendition of the game Prototype, complete with Alex Mercer look alike. The song sounds like someone was trying to induce vomiting to try and save his puppy he swallowed, but its the kind of obnoxious that stops being so horrible after a while and actually has you warming to it. The chorus is still pathetic and sounds like Chris Tucker having his bollocks yanked, however. The bloke himself is a terrific twat who makes any possibilty of me enjoying the song instantly swing out of the window. Fingers crossed someone will sing Hot Problems to get this horrible taste out of my mouth.

13. Azerbaijan - When the Music Dies- Sabina Babayeva

Jonith: Now for the home nation. That wonderfully glorious European nation of Azerbaijan. A country which is extremely in Europe and certainly not in Asia and that's Geographicallyical non fact. The act is extremely generic in itself, and there is not much to say about it, except the fact that the woman appears to be wearing a shape shifting cloud around her thighs.

Rofling: Yay the hosts now, fronted by Celine Dion at her wedding. The song is slow, and a chore to listen to, in fact forget chore it's more akin to watching the Human Centipede whilst rearranging packs of cards... dunno why, but fuck off, this is incredibly draining. My diagnosis of the song: decently performed, but definitely not worthy of a host place and a very tedious beat.

14. Romania - Zaleilah - Mandinga

Rofling: A sort of cross between Cuba and Scotland; the bagpipes and the super hot Hispanic woman I could watch sing for a thousand years. Weirdly captivating, though that might just be her beauty, but it is markedly different to the other acts. I liked it a lot, but I don't really have much to say about it. Except that that woman was super super hot.

15. Denmark - Should've Known Better - Soulna Samay

Jonith: Now here is Denmark, with a song that sounds like I think 500 others which have been before it. I get the feeling all these songs are blending into one by this point. The song itself is decent, and that woman in that Navy costume sure would be exciting if anybody is into role play. As I said, the song itself is decent and one of the better ones of the competition so far, not resorting to the unimaginative choruses. My favourite I think so far.

16. Greece - Aphrodisiac- Eleftheria Eleftheriou

Jonith: Here comes the act known as Economic problems, and the background dancing is by the very popular group called the Athens Molotov Cocktail Throwers. Look at all those flames go like you have just set fire to some guys puppy. The name of this song seems to make it sound like it would be the perfect foreplay song, but instead this song has the sex appeal of a dead guy in an SS costume. The problem with that joke, however, is that I made it before the performance itself and it is the opposite of that. Which just shows, that because I cannot tell the future, I am an idiot and deserve to be killed in the most painful way possible By the way, surely they should sing about not wanting to win and for us just to send them money by PayPal instead?

Rofling: "Aphrodisiac". You'll certainly need one to get it up after listening to this song (raucous laughter). Laughably seductive Greek Cheryl Cole plays the lead "singer" who sings "oh oh oh" with the skill of a deaf parrot trained by Andy Dick. Ultimately, it's a ridiculously oversexualised attempt to try and get votes through viewers pants, and it hasn't worked for me at all. A very boring (yes boring) song that I've forgotten already.

17. Sweden - Euphoria - Loreen

Rofling: Really Sweden? Carly Rae Jepsen in a wind tunnel? That's the best you can do? Not even any naked blonde women to try to get votes that way? Two minutes of a woman having a seizure is not good entertainment, at least not at this time of the day. Save it for some porn sites Sweden. Another boring as hell song, piss off.

18. Turkey - Love me Back - Can Bonomo

Jonith: This is seriously my most hated song in this entire competition. The person doesn't even sing it, he kind of just says the words with a slight tune in the background. The person singing it looks like a Sacha Baron Cohen character crossed with a Lamppost. I really hope the boat this guy is singing about sinks and he drowns painfully on sea water. The God command it. This is too painful too listen to even for them. The tune in the background is possibly the least imaginative thing ever as well, he may as well be singing over the top of some guys mobile phone ringtone. Anyway that was a performance by the Village People. He sounded like a duck being strangled by an Auto tuner.

19. Spain - Quedate Conmigo - Pastora Soler

Jonith: Here we go, the next in the group who owe money to loansharks, singing desperatly for a home and not to hold it next year. I assume this song is called "Buy me a home please" in fact. Sadly it's not as ridiculously bad as most Spanish performances. This is a generic performance and there is not much to say about it except it only makes me want to fall asleep in a Nuclear Reactor it's so boringly bad. NEXT! MY ANGER AND SELF HATRED IS NOT YET SATISFIED. Rofling: With the Spain the bar is usually balanced at the Earth's core, and they aren't breaking that tradition. This woman looks like she's about to burst into tears with love for her song, so I hate her. Otherwise it's just making me yawn extra loud. I'm fast running out of enthusiasm for this shit, and I think it's POSSIBLY starting to show, but this is making me laugh a great deal from the way she's almot sobbing with emotion at such an interminable song.

20. Germany - Standing Still - Roman Lob

Jonith: An English Person wrote this song so it must be good. This is over, thank you and see you some other time... This song is actually pretty good, if extremely generic. This is so generic that the guy may as well just be playing the top 40 over a backing track done by some generic band that I can't think of. It also leads me to question why they all sing the English songs in an East London accent, I'm waiting for the time they all take that to an extreme and come out with really Cockney accents. Also don't mention the war... Shit. These are easily my favourites so far I think and I hope this guy wins. Rofling: While being more boring to watch than The Da Vinci Code adapted for the TV by a blind man, the song does have a good tune. The singer is a bit of a wanker, wearing a hat indoors like he's got a shaven head or something, but he is a genuinely good singer, and I've managed to contain any "Fuhry" (BA DUM TISH) that I may have had. It was more boring than watching a blimp in slow motion, but it was livened up by the song which was like watching a blimp crash into a city.

21. Malta - This is the Night - Kurt Calleja

Rofling: Oh god why is he just singing in LESS THAN ONE NOTE for the entire song. The verses are shorter than Jonith's cock, and the chorus has been ripped off bloodily from about fifty songs I've heard of, but it does kind of blend together nicely to create an enjoyable experience. They all look like they're into the song, and I'm having fun writing and listening to this. I'm shocked I'm saying this, but well done Malta. Jonith: I actually quite liked that song in a guilty pleasure kind of way.

22. Macedonia - Crno I belo - Kaliopi

Jonith: So now we have a singer whose name sounds like an ice lolly and a song which sounds like you are choking on a piece of pasta. The woman herself looks like an extra out of Wall Street. After this I expect her to run into a board room and shout that the shares have dropped. Seriously, the background of this performace could have been this boring if we were watching a brick wall being painted. Oh and then a light show started, as of the heavens were opening and God was trying to kill every epileptic in the immediate vicinity. This song flicks between two extremes as if the writer is Bi-polar and has the personality of an ADD sufferer on marijuana.

23. Ireland - Waterline - Jedward

Jonith: Now it's John and Edward, and I call them that because otherwise I sound like a cunt who runs out of breath too easily. Also then I can call them John and Fucking Edward without having to make noises like a dying seal. The costumes they wear in this make them look like Astronauts with BDSM fetishes. I'm pretty sure there must be SOME twincest going on between these two if they can stare at each other with these clothes on which shove the crotch so far back into the body, it's like having surgery in Thailand. So which one is the male and which is the female? I think its interchangable. They all look like extras from Tron if it took place in the setting of Jaws... The sea.

Rofling: Oh yay Jedward! They aren't out here enough! But wait! They'ev abandoned the quiffs and gone for an outfit that would embarrass a gay General Shepard. While not as garmant rendingly dreadful as lipstick from last year. Breaking some kind of Jedward rule, this time they aren't going retardly over the top like Andy Dick at a feminist convention. They sing worse than an Amnesiac with a throat infection, but they certainly aren't the worst act tonight. Still, to maintain my integrity, piss off Jedward!

24. Serbia- Nije Ijubav Stvar - Zeljiko Joksimovic

Rofling: I love Serbia, the name really evokes something in my soul. It's a country with such a sad history, and this is deeply reflected in their song. I'm on the edge of my seat, hanky in hand, blowing away. Ambiguous cock jokes and sarcasm aside, I'm enjoying the song more than I thought I would. The tune is easy to tap along to, and the bloke can actually hammer out a tune. Nice work. Jonith: Decent Enough

25. Ukraine - Be My Guest - Gaitana

Jonith: Representing Ukraine is Daikatana, I mean Gaitana. This is possibly the most ridiculously fucking crazy one so far. The woman is, for a start, wearing a fruit salad created by poisonous plants on her head. She also seems to be doing her best Shirley Bassey imprsonation, which would make sense if Shirley Bassey had her vocal chords removed. The backing dancers are also all young offenders, which really sums up the punishment here, I couldn't think of anything worse than having to dance behind her. ALST THERES A MOTHER FUCKING TRUMPET, EPIC. (Oh and the worst computer generated models dancing on a screen behind her, well I assume there dancing, they may be protesting the song)

26. Moldova - Lauter - Pasha Parfeny

Jonith: Ok the last act, finally, Christ this has been a slog. Moldova with acts such as the KKK clowns and Epic Sax Guy. And this year we have an Edward Norton look alike singing a song from a Kids TV show probably. If the Kids TV show was then banned immediately. This man has possibly the most cheesiest dancing this side of France, and women behind him acting as if they have just been pulled out of a 1980's disco. The Dance is still the greatest mother fucking thing ever, that was amazing. Anyway, this is finally over. FREEDOM!

Rofling: And last and CERTAINLY least, with a name like he's ordering some pasta in Spain, we have Pasha Parfeny and his quartet of dancing prostitutes. They look so uncomfortable I'm sure they're stood on hot plates to make them dance. Breaking Moldova tradition (last year we got the people riding unicycles while wearing hats that looked like the Village People joined the Ku Klux Klan), this song is really fucking boring. It's so bad even my TV is rejecting it, and it's so forgettable that I forgot the tune before I even started listening. All this gets is a heavy sigh of dread for the 12 points from Romania, with love.

Friday, 25 May 2012

My Friend's Film Idea: "War of the Gods"

OK straight away I'd like to apologise for not posting a single thing since April 10th, I'm in the middle of my GCSE exams and as such have no time to post on here. Unfortunately (for me at least, for all I know you can't stand me, or you aren't even reading this now), I won't be posting anything regularly until the 20th June, after my last exam. An exception to this is possibly a joint review of the terrible Eurovision Song Contest with John, which is always fun to laugh at.

But for now, I present a film idea that my friend, that I will for his privacy rename Cunter Bradshit, came up with today. It happens to be a great idea, and I'm sure great directors like M Night Shyamalan, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Selzter, Michael Bay and Uwe Boll will be bery interested. I'm being serious: at no point during his pitch of the film did I feel like punching myself in the throat because punching him would have taken slightly longer.

OK, let's set the scene: the present day. Jesus comes back down to Earth and the Devil influences some random woman off the streets to seduce him. They fuck each other, and the woman is pregnant with the grandson of God. He is born, and the Devil orders him to do some evil things and shit. With me so far? OK, next the Devil and the Grandson of God launch a worldwide campaign of destruction for, you know, reasons, and God, Jesus and the combined might of Earth try to fight back. God doesn't question why he has a grandson, he's just happy for a fight. So they fight, fight fight, fight fight, fight fight and fight (incidently Cunter Bradshit was going to have Zeus and a bunch of Greek gods swoop in and join the Devil, but that was removed. God knows why).

Finally, everyone on Earth is killed, and I don't think he ever told me if God and Jesus or the Devil and the Grandson won the epic battle, but who cares about getting a satisfying ending when you've just had a battle scene that would embarrass Michael Bay on a caffiene drip? So right at the end, some body on the floor gives birth, Alien style, to a plant, showing that life is "starting again".

Come on guys, you know you'd pay full price for this? I mean, it makes no sense, the characters are non-existant, the film is really just one giant action scene, the ending makes no sense, the ending hasn't even been figured out yet, and there are no human characters, God's motivations are unexplained and Jesus' character has been totally rewritten, but other than that, I've drawn a complete blank for criticisms. Well done, friend!

Let me be clear: I am NOT being ironic; this movie sounds so good I would willingly shave my penis with the fangs of a venomous snake, and I would let a skunk blow off in my mouth just to watch one second of it. So come on M Night Shyamalan, you've got a perfect list of movies, take on my friends film, originally titled "War of the Gods". Totally not cliched at all.

...

See you next time.

Oliver Rolfing, Rofling Officer.

P.S Jonith: Fucking hell this was the most retarded idea ever. He may as well have just walked into a board meeting, shit on Michael Bay's lap and walked out. Christ this was bad...