OK straight away I'd like to apologise for not posting a single thing since April 10th, I'm in the middle of my GCSE exams and as such have no time to post on here. Unfortunately (for me at least, for all I know you can't stand me, or you aren't even reading this now), I won't be posting anything regularly until the 20th June, after my last exam. An exception to this is possibly a joint review of the terrible Eurovision Song Contest with John, which is always fun to laugh at.
But for now, I present a film idea that my friend, that I will for his privacy rename Cunter Bradshit, came up with today. It happens to be a great idea, and I'm sure great directors like M Night Shyamalan, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Selzter, Michael Bay and Uwe Boll will be bery interested. I'm being serious: at no point during his pitch of the film did I feel like punching myself in the throat because punching him would have taken slightly longer.
OK, let's set the scene: the present day. Jesus comes back down to Earth and the Devil influences some random woman off the streets to seduce him. They fuck each other, and the woman is pregnant with the grandson of God. He is born, and the Devil orders him to do some evil things and shit. With me so far? OK, next the Devil and the Grandson of God launch a worldwide campaign of destruction for, you know, reasons, and God, Jesus and the combined might of Earth try to fight back. God doesn't question why he has a grandson, he's just happy for a fight. So they fight, fight fight, fight fight, fight fight and fight (incidently Cunter Bradshit was going to have Zeus and a bunch of Greek gods swoop in and join the Devil, but that was removed. God knows why).
Finally, everyone on Earth is killed, and I don't think he ever told me if God and Jesus or the Devil and the Grandson won the epic battle, but who cares about getting a satisfying ending when you've just had a battle scene that would embarrass Michael Bay on a caffiene drip? So right at the end, some body on the floor gives birth, Alien style, to a plant, showing that life is "starting again".
Come on guys, you know you'd pay full price for this? I mean, it makes no sense, the characters are non-existant, the film is really just one giant action scene, the ending makes no sense, the ending hasn't even been figured out yet, and there are no human characters, God's motivations are unexplained and Jesus' character has been totally rewritten, but other than that, I've drawn a complete blank for criticisms. Well done, friend!
Let me be clear: I am NOT being ironic; this movie sounds so good I would willingly shave my penis with the fangs of a venomous snake, and I would let a skunk blow off in my mouth just to watch one second of it. So come on M Night Shyamalan, you've got a perfect list of movies, take on my friends film, originally titled "War of the Gods". Totally not cliched at all.
See you next time.
Oliver Rolfing, Rofling Officer.
P.S Jonith: Fucking hell this was the most retarded idea ever. He may as well have just walked into a board meeting, shit on Michael Bay's lap and walked out. Christ this was bad...