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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Saturday, 7 July 2012

Max Payne 3 Review

Over a decade has passed since max first sulkily dived sideways into a watercooler, and here in 2012, we have the third game. Creatively titled "Max Payne 3", the game documents Max's wonderful holiday in brazil as he finally forgets all about his family being murdered.

Actually, he's there to whine like he never has before. Max narrates throughout the bland, plodding plot (not even plodding; almost zero changes throughout all 12 hours) and surprisingly he becomes the main highlight. His narration never changes from being mournful and infuriatingly negative, and it gets to the point that is starts being morbidly amusing. However, Max is the ONLY interesting character. The rest are all one dimensional wankers universally, not a single character interested me.

On the other hand, the shooting is awesome. I've heard tales of bugs ruining the gameplay, but none affected me. Diving sideways with two sub machine-guns and shooting 6 Brazilian stereotypes in slow mo is always fun as hell and the occasional scripted slow mo section is badass as hell.

My main problem with the gameplay is that there isn't enough of it. At least 60% of the game is cutscenes (and that's being generous), which is unacceptable for a video GAME. Maybe this wouldn't be so obnoxious if the cutscenes were well done, but the filters are incredibly overdone and gave me a fucking migraine. Oh and the dialogue is fucking unbearable, especially when they bring the writer with tourettes in.

The multiplayer is also terrible, which explains why no one is bloody playing it. I had a hunch the multiplayer would be worse than taking a bath in HIV positive blood because how can you incorporate bullet time into multiplayer? PERHAPS they could pull it off though? Well no, they didn't, and it just ends up being a mediocre version of Gears of War multiplayer (which is funny as GoW is mediocre itself). The three game mods are standard stuff, deathmatch, TDM and gang war. They do give a little enjoyment at times, but it feels very unsatisfying 95% of the time.

Verdict:

A lifeless story that tramples on good gameplay, way too many awful cutscenes and poorly implemented multiplayer.

Rating: As bad as injecting yourself in the eye with expired morphine.

Recommendation: NO.

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