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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Monday, 10 September 2012

Game Previews

I'm not going to acknowledge the fact it's been ages since I've wrote a post; come on I've just become a college student and had ten weeks off, I've been more busy than a lumberjack in Narnia. So to make up for weeks of absence, here is a little post about the games I'll be getting (probably) this year in the pre-Christmas releases.

1. Dishonored!

The big one, the game I'm most looking forward to this year, and a good-looking new intellectual property to boot (I say good looking as in the game is shaping up well, I fucking hate the models, the characters look like blow up dolls drawn by Phillip K Dick). The art design is by the Half-Life 2 fellow, which excites me a deal, but what seals the deal is the look of how diverse the stealth, can't wait.

So any issues then, RO? Why yes, my presumptive friend! The game looks about as difficult as eating a grape. The actually eating is paint-dryingly easy, but there's always the annoying chance you become complacent and swallow a stone. By which I mean, like Batman, you have a gadget or power for everything. Seeing cones of visions, seeing enemies through walls, travelling at light speed, possessing things, parkour, it's all too much. So yeah if there's one concern, then it's the difficulty.

2. War of the Roses!

Another game I'm quite excited for, as the combat looks satisfying and challenging. After watching some TotalBiscuit and Yogscast (I've plugged them, hopefully they'll plug me) pre alpha footage, I bought the Mount and Blade games on Steam and I didn't like them. They just seemed like really weak and shallow RPGs with about seventy-hundred billion superior models on the market, but the multiplayer was fun, so I'm hoping War of the Roses will be fun. I particularly look forward to using a longbow on horseback, or lances on horseback, or Japanese Beaver on horseback.

3. Assassin's Creed 3!

Despite a few little blips with the idiotic portrayal of the British in some of the trailers, it still does resemble Assassin's Creed, which I'm sad to say I'm falling out with after Revelations. Assassin's Creed 1 was boring, slow, tedious, interminable, repetitive and dull, and I still have some major vitriol towards for wasting 9 hours of my life with unskippable monologues, bland emotionless characters and the same quests repeated ad nauseum...

Anyway to get to the point, Screed 2 was awesome, Brotherhood had a cool story focusing on the Borgias, and Revelations was a step too far and a little boring. Screed 3 mixes it up with a new protaganist, new setting etc., but what about gameplay changes? Well there are moving hay carts now... moving on.

My point is it's still Assassin's Creed so I'm willing to be it'll be an enjoyable and ridiculous romp about Templars and Assassins and that wanker Desmond.

4. Fable: The Journey!

FUCK OFF.

5. Halo 4!

Still 90% sure that it'll be absolute shite, but I'm willing to give 343i a chance.