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Welcome to the Rofling Officer Productions blog, where you will mainly find extremely cynical reviews by a British Stereotype (usually with my good friend, John Smith). These reviews will most often be of games and films, but also have a few little projects.

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Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Christmas and 2012 Music - Belated Day 16/4 Advent Rant


Jooseman: Jesus Christ this is late. Blame the Rofling Officer.

Rofling Officer: It’s the most wonderful time of the year according to Andy Williams. Unfortunately this timeless message comes in the form of an incredibly monotonous Christmas song. SPEAKING OF WHICH, welcome to Jooseman and I’s rundown of some of the worst Christmas songs we could think of, which will be another part of our Advent Calendar.

Jooseman: So here we are, reviewing music. I'm possibly the most hypocritical bastard since PETA tried to make my skin into a coat. After I did the huge rant last week about how I hate pretty much all music critics for being pretentious fucks, and now I am doing this myself, thus showing once and for all I am the greatest person in the universe. Then again, Christmas Music can't really be considered music anyway, more a guy hammering strawberry jelly into your brain over and over again. Now on to the first song.

Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard

Joose: Ah Cliff Richard, that man who at a mention, will instantly cause all women above the age of 60 to drop their pants and start to masturbate furiously . Every Christmas he turns up like an annoying wart on a very warty person, to sing in a voice which sounds as if he has some guy shoving bags of gravel down his throat, and this song is no different.  The song has the monotone styling's of harmonizing Daleks, as he sings about wine and mistletoe. He may as well be singing about mistletoe and incinerating Father Christmas in a furnace for how related those two things are, it would make a better song anyway. I would make jokes about the video itself, but him gliding around possibly the most prickish imaginary village possible is extremely boring to talk about. Then again, he is still releasing shirtless calendars at seemingly the age of 296 years old, so he must be doing something right.

RO: Even just thinking about writing these words makes me ill: Cliff Fucking Richard. Oh Christ(mas)… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t tell you how much I despise this man, he’s hideous and always was, no matter what he thinks (by now his ego is so enormous that he has to book an entire train cart to rest it in), and he’s an appalling and smarmy singer. Hence, one of the worst Christmas songs of all time: Mistletoe and Wine… Watching this cunt sing the song is like ripping out each pube one by one with solidified semen, but it rubs off onto your hands with the pubes and you find out it wasn’t semen all along, but super glue (I don’t know where I’m going with this, I hate this song so much). It’s also repetitive to the point of brain trauma, and excruciating to the point where I have castrated myself through cringing. Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine/ makes me want to commit some crimes/ put Cliff on the fire/ And watch him scream/ A time to rejoice when your PC blue-screens.

8 Days of Christmas - Destiny's Child

Joose: Now for the biggest ear exploding travesty since I shoved a Tnt fed marmoset into them. The song has the musical styling's of a dead parrot in a wind machine. How can anybody listen to this song without very slowly going insane and systematically commit genocide on anybody who even dares pick up a microphone to sing. But that's just me thinking about what I would do if I ruled the world. I wish I did. The video itself is a load of consumer obssessed, scantily clad women, walking around a shop, buying shit and seemingly giving blowjobs to cashiers on the side. It's basically the worlds shittest description of Capitalism ever, like if Karl Marx happened to have a prostitute habit while writing the Communist Manifesto. But that's an alternate History scenario for you.

RO: Destiny’s Child… what have you done? Imagine crossing the Human Centipede with Pretty Woman, and you get the feeling I get when I listen to this… This truly is the worst butchering of a classic I’ve ever seen, it’d be like making Bugs Bunny in!... Schindler’s List or have an appalling girl band make a traditional song all about being a superficial whore. The singing/rapping/squalling doesn’t match the music at all, it just makes me imagine the guys recording the music were hired from the top of the nearest building and mixed the track with suicidal thoughts going through their head. Truly, the only thing that slightly redeems this song is Destiny’s Child singing and dancing in incredibly tight fitting Santa outfits anytime they sing it. An awful Christmas song, but ironically is truly reflective of what human beings are like, so kudos Destiny’s Child, you’re geniuses. On the 8th Day of Christmas my Baby Gave to Me/ a chloroform soaked rag so I can’t fucking sing/On the 7th Day of Christmas My baby Gave to Me/a knife to my brain and a hrblegrblesrbling… (collapses dead).

Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney

Joose: Ah, Wonderful Christmastime, a song which has so many synthesisers popping out of it like your intestines after you catch the Ebola virus, but also a song by one of the greatest musical geniuses of all time, Paul McCartney, yet it still ended up shitter than a cats litter tray after you force fed it laxatives you horrible fuck. The song has the lyrical capabilities of a lobotomised dog, as Paul McCartney sings while sounding half constipated. The video itself is almost not even worse discussing, as it switches between him singing in a smoke filled room, which after the song you wish was Carbon Monoxide, and to some depressed looking families. This is what the musical genius behind songs like Let it Be and Hey Jude did. I think I'll cry.

RO: Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas time is one of those songs I feel so bad for. It’s like if you googled an ex-girlfriend to try and hook up with again now Satan is in danger of tripping over your standards to find out they’d been committed after attempting to eat a live rodent: it could have been something special, but it just tastes of the plague. Paul McCartney is a living British icon, and one of the greatest musicians of our time, but this song is shit. It barely even SOUNDS like Paul McCartney; just sounds like a speech synthesiser set to cliché mode which some guy making beats off of that. Granted, it’s good for dancing to at Christmas parties, but every other aspect of the song makes it sound quite reprehensively appalling. I’m afraid to actually attack this song or the artist as I have so much respect for him, so let’s just leave it at this song is disappointing drab and plain bad… I can’t do the song lyrics thing for this one, it’s too depressing…

Last Christmas - Wham

Joose: Last Christmas, now coming to any shopping centre music player near you, with nonsensical lyrics, apparently about a butcher giving away any leftovers to people for Christmas before having his heart broken by you. YOU BASTARD. The song is played so much at Christmas, you feel like the song would induce an aneurysm in a deaf person. The song represents what Christmas means, if, for Christmas, you happened to want to kill any last vestiges of humanity in the world. I sure do, so why don't you? Also we may be doing something special with this song.

RO: Wham are one of those really old boy bands that just seem creepy now that all the members have grown into grizzled middle aged men, same with people like David Bowie and the Lockerbie bomber (holy shit). Then again even at the time their music was shit, and I was born in 1996 for fuck’s sake. This is a prime example of using Christmas just to choke out another love song that will rake in the pennies. To quote the great philosopher Adam Levine, “if I hear one more fuckin’ love song I’ll be sick” Now I’m at a payphone… writing this down for you all to read you lucky bastards, and it just occurred to me that I don’t hate this song as much as I think I do, because this Friday I’ll be singing it for you ,you lucky shits! Check the channel for that. Anyway: the song is drearily boring and predictable, and it’s nothing you haven’t heard a billion times before in other better and worse songs. It’s a popcorn song; nothing brand new and exciting, just something you stick on at tedious get togethers to delay the inevitable realisation that we’re all going to die (possibly on the 21st of December [note to morons, this won’t happen]). Good for white noise, but little else. Last Christmas, I ripped out my heart/Then the very next day/I gave it to you/This year, to save me from jail/I’ll keep to my restraining order, order…

Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

Joose: Finally a good Christmas song, and one of the few which can keep me sane around Christmas time. I don't know why, it just seems to sum up mine, and the rest of Britain's (yes it's a British song, not an Irish song, I can rant with you about it if you want, but that's not funny, you humourless arsehole. Please go jump into a pit of burning Komodo Dragons) spirit around Christmas time. It just warms my heart... as much as you can warm the darkness of space, to hear me represented in a song. Because it is about me, and anybody who disagrees is a dirty, stinking liar. Also Shane MacGowan looks like a rat who has had his face imploded into itself, while under attack by a shovel, but t'songs still good.

RO:  At the beginning of the end, here is my favourite Christmas song: A Fairytale of New York, a bitterly cynical and refreshing story in the guise of a Christmas song. Listen to the chorus and you might be forgiven for mistaking it to be a happy feelgood song, but in reality it’s about a break up, Taylor Swift style (not really). The tune is great, and Kirsty McColl is a good singer. Shame about the Pogues singer sounding like they pulled in a random drunken homeless man in mid shitting stance to record his lines, but overall it’s a fantastic song and is the recipe for a wonderful Christmas time. There really isn’t much I can say to entertain myself, never mind you, so check that song out, it's really really good! Enjoy.

Joose: And now time for song of the year. Which song will it be, oooh ahhhh, you already fucking know as you'll have read below, so here it is.

Call me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen

Joose: If there was one song which deserves to be archived by congress and stored in the Smithsonian for later generations, it is this song. It is really the greatest use of human creativeness since the paining of the Sistine Chapel. Is it bad that I'm only being slightly ironic here, I liked this song so ironically that it has come round to being fucking amazing, and I actually love it now. I'm confused. It's much better than most Modern Pop.
I don't know what the best song would be if you want a non Modern Pop song, . I still stand by Call me Maybe being song of the year, if not the fucking decade though. And if anybody disagrees, please go lubricate your head and shove it up a dogs shitter.

RO: Here's our favourite song of the year. And it is… Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen! When Jooseman suggested this, I thought he was speaking ironically, as it seems like the kind of song he despises, full of feelings of love and warmth and a woman getting soap all over her (no complaints from him about the topless man however), but no, he was serious. And so am I, this song is ludicrously catchy, like a baseball glove crossed with a catch on a door (Most Trippy Analogy 2012?), and it has one of the best endings to a song I’ve ever seen (I’m talking about where the guy turns out to be gay and she has the best facial expression I’ve ever seen). Relentlessly addictive, hilarious, and actually a pretty excellent spoof, probably the year’s best (unless I remember another song from this year that was really good, I can’t think of too many at the moment) Listen to this on the strike on Midnight on the 31st of December, and magically, a new year will begin. Merry Christmas! Hey, I just met you/And this is crazy/But we used no condom/So here’s your baby.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Crusader Kings 2 - Advent Rant Day 8

Jooseman: Hello and welcome to the first of the Beyond Stupid Christmas Rants, which we will be doing every Saturday up to Christmas Eve, as well as the big rant itself in Christmas Eve. The Christmas Eve rant isn't necessarily our Game of the Year, and if you believe it is, you have the brains of a dead Chimpanzee whose head has been replaced by a Jam Sandwich. We will, however, have our top 15 games of the year rant on New Year's Eve, so cling onto your pants until then (Please do, I don't want any lawsuits about you losing them on the bus.) So, for the first rant CRUSADER KINGS 2!

Crusader Kings 2 was one of my favourite games of this year. It was made by Paradox and is a Grand Strategy game, in the vein of Europa Universalise and Hearts of Iron, made by the same company. It is also one of the first Grand Strategy games I have ever actually played enough of to learn and enjoy. Compared to some of the other games like this, which have you thrown off the cliff by Popeye on steroids, this one has a gentle (and this is a relative term, like how having you head kicked in by a chav is probably more gentle than a Great White Shark) learning curve. Hell I didn't use the tutorial at all, but managed to pick up the game within a few hours, but I'm just an egotistical bastard.

The premise of the game is that you take control of a dynasty across medieval Europe (starting in 1066 before the Battle of Stamford Bridge and the possibility to exist until 1453, with the end of the medieval period as the Byzantine Empire falls) this is in comparison to Europa Universalise, in which you take control of a country instead of a character. You must then plot, backstab, marry, war and probably play monopoly in order to take territories in Europe and become the most powerful Dynasty, as others fall around you, like if the world was controlled by dominoes.  The problem is, it is exceptionally hard work to keep your dynasty running when people plot to do the same to you, the bastards (bastards also included),  and one weak heir could spell doom to you, which brings me to my first hint, don't have your heir as a Celibate Snowman, because then you're screwed.

Rofling Officer: Ah, Crusader Kings 2! You marvellous bastard... the biggest time leech I've played since we genetically crossed a vampire and a tick that feast on the space time continuum. Hands down the best strategy game of the year, and one of the best I've played for a while. It's tough to pin down why I like it so much, as when I first played it I was a little baffled as of what to do. But now, six months on my empire stretches across Europe and the Middle East, through marrying off ugly daughters and sending ugly sons off to die. And god forbid I have an ugly wife who refuses to put out, or makes more ugly children. Did I mention I hate ugly people in this game?

Joose: Characters have different traits which determine how they cope in the world, for example a character who is a kinslayer may be hated by almost everyone the entire world over, or a dwarf may lack stats in pretty much everything, or a fat person may have the possibility to crush anyone in his way (this is not in game.) This makes the game interesting as it mixes up how you play, for example your first leader may have extremely good intrigue, essentially making him a less bad ass James Bond and in the process be able to stop plots against him by learning about them beforehand, however his son may lack in almost everything, and you have to throw money at almost everyone in order to make them like him, like he's at a strip club. This keeps you always at attention, thinking of new schemes in order to succeed.

RO: Moving on from people with severe aesthetic deficiencies, why else do I like the game? Well it's probably the deepest feudalism game ever made, and that's what first attracted me to it: it's a Game of Thrones game essentially (which is convenient as a GoT mod has been made for it, watch out for that later). There are a few niggling annoyances here and there, like how you can only declare war with a valid cassus beli, instead of just attacking by right of conquest. Though I suppose for realism, no wars have ever been fought purely for megalomania with some cock and bull story about WMDs in a middle eastern country as a cover story have they? So anyway, it's a gorgeous deep and detailed feudalism simulator, which sucks away hours and hours of your life.

Character Creator
Joose: This is one of my main bits of disappointment with the game. (You can ignore this bit if you want to because it's not essential at all.) The character creator could have been one of the best additions to the game, making it so you can mould a character how you want, even if you wanted to lead the Smurf Kingdom of Jerusalem, and then take that characters dynasty to world domination, or fail at it. Instead you get about as much customisation as if you visited a shit Plastic Surgeon, or if you stole a Mr Potato Head from a bin, you're given about 5 faces to choose from, and they all look like hamsters who have had their faces stuffed with a guys balls . It is absolutely pointless, as you can't create much character traits either, like all your characters have the education of lobotomised Stick Insect.  What it essentially is, is The Sims if the game had been created on paper by a dog... which had lost its legs.
RO: This one isn't the worst of the bunch thought, but it's still a rip off. Whereas most games have a 3D editor with detailed options (particularly as you pay extra) CK2 just has a 2D system with about 3 different faces and 12 personalities. But that isn't the worst of it, not by a long shot...

Sword of Islam
Joose: I don't understand why The Rofling Officer hates this piece of DLC. This is probably one of the best uses of DLC I have seen in a game. It doesn't just add features which had been ripped out of the game at launch, like I assume the event which allowed aliens to anally probe you was, this adds a completely new play style,  overhauling the UI, creating new gameplay events (with the introduction of decadence.) The whole point of the DLC is that it introduces the ability to play Islamic characters, which when you hear this you might say "Hey, this should be in at launch because you could change the game files already and be able to play them. Now I'm going to try have sex with a dishwasher." Well you know how I respond to you, I call you an idiot and believe that you should go sunbathe in a nuclear reactor, you tit. This does much more than just make Islamic factions playable, it also expands the map more south, to include the empire of Mali, because what you've always wanted to do in games was control an empire from Mali, being right up there with a game about being able to be a Forklift Truck Driver or being able to wash the arsehole of Mario. It a new interface to the game, as well as new gameplay techniques such as decadence, which if it gets to high, it can lead to your empire splitting up, and the fact you can declare war on any territories next you. Which kind of makes the game slightly, much easier as you can just constantly wage wars. Nevertheless, this added a lot of content into the game, as well as quite a bit of content in the free patch with it, this is how all DLC for this game should be, and I hope they add even more content in for the Republics DLC... Wait did someone say Republics? 'MERICA!!!

RO: While he has a point with it adding the new gameplay elements, it's still not enough to warrant the insane amount of money that you have to pay for this garbage. All it essentially does is green up the UI like you're monitor has been submerged in slime and let you play factions that should have been in the bloody game in the first bloody place. I feel the same about the Legacy of Rome, if Jooseman hadn't bought it me I would have boycotted it on sight. The only DLC that has interested me so far is the one where the Aztecs invade from the East. I've no idea why they took in this direction, seeing as how the game is supposed to be very realistic, but it sounds hilarious nonetheless. Then I heard about the republics DLC and now I hate the developers again. Make the DLC better please, don't just remove features from the main game and add them later on for extortionate prices...

Joose: I don't get the argument that they should be in the game when it started. They added completely new gameplay features and added to the map. By those standards, Shivering Isles shouldn't have been a DLC, or that Warcraft 3: The Frozen Throne shouldn't be an expansion, it should be in the actual game. It's bullshit reasoning, and can be used against every piece of DLC or Expansion in history.

Rofling Officer: It is not "bullshit reasoning", and I will explain more in an episode of the Waffling Officer. In the meantime, shut up Jooseman you stupid moron.

Legacy of Rome
Joose: This is the DLC I didn't like. It's not necessarily bad, as it does add some new content, but this does feel like it should have been in the game to begin with. It added editions to Orthodox nations, such as the Byzantine Empire, nations which have been playable in the game for the start, except with as much depth as a hole created by a one legged Tapir. This annoys me, if you were going to put these nations in from the start, why didn't they improve them, and give them the features then when the game was released, instead of making them a lacklustre edition of the game, and then making you pay to fix it later on. They're like Con Artist Builders... They're like Builders.
Don't let this DLC put you off an amazing game though, as you don't need it to play anyway, and even if you so wanted it, then you can pick it up in a sale. The DLC doesn't make the game any worse.

Game of Thrones Mod
RO: Now then: the game of thrones mod. A great idea, and very well pulled off mostly. I'll first run through what I hate: the updated combat system. I hate it so much, you send Ned Stark's army into battle and you get a window up that tells you that Ned has charged into the middle of a load of Lannister troops. You click an option, and 9 times out of ten Ned dies. It's horribly inorganic and rapes the immersion factor with a cactus full of ebola. Also, the Nights Watch are there for you to essentially have a nice relaxing snooze while you watch the months and years tick by while Winter Approaches Like An Angry Beast (the Wildlings haven't been added yet). The rest of the game is everything I could hope for, it's really, really good, and killing off your least favourite game of thrones characters is always a joy. Take that Cersei, you slutty bitch, hope you like eating knives!

Conclusion
Joose: In conclusion, this is one of my favourite games of the year, and has sucked the life out of me like a Prostituting Dalek. It really is amazing, and while there has been some bad DLC, and some arguable DLC, it doesn't stop the game from being any worse, and even the bad DLC does improve the game, even if slightly to make it not worthwhile to buy. You should buy this game, because even if you don't enjoy the original setting of the game (but that shouldn't matter for the game to be time confusing) there is a wide range of mods, such as the Game of Thrones one, floating around the internet like a thing that floats around the DLC and is almost nothing like what I just described. How do I finish this. Oh yeah, blah blah, buy this game now as it is amazing.